Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Will people hate our wedding, and do I really care?

166 replies

QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 18:04

Getting married in a year, so many stupid family politics that have actually stopped us eloping and doing it in secret (not worth the fallout from mil) that we've now decided to do the below, I just don't know people will really hate it ....I also can't work out if I'm passed caring or if I still want more myself too.

1:30pm register office - myself, dp, ds and 2 independent witnesses (not family, 1 friend each)
2pm - we take the witnesses and their partners for a nice meal and wine somewhere
5:30pm - party for 150 guests with bbq and arrival drink, 2 bottles of wine on each table. Party to 11:30pm.

Will it still feel special enough to us but relaxed enough to not have the stresses do you think?
Opinions welcome, also ideas on my dress as I cant think of anything casual enough for a small restaurant meal but bridal enough to welcome guests at the party.

There will be a photographer at the evening to capture some memories.

OP posts:
Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:44

liquorice you misunderstood, it was 35 or none. We've gone with none.

OP posts:
MustBeThursday · 14/04/2018 19:44

Sounds like a nice relaxed wedding to me. The full formal day can actually be a bit dull for guests, I'd have thought (not that I've been to many) with all the waiting around, photos etc - that may just be me though as I'm not one for formal 3+ course meals anyway.

Lindy Bop (lindybop.co.uk) have some lovely not-wedding-dress wedding dresses.

IWouldLikeToKnow · 14/04/2018 19:46

I think your day sounds great. Lovely relaxed feeling to it I'd say. With regards to your outfit, would you consider a white jumpsuit? It could look really cool for your non traditional day. Good luck

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 19:49

You are choosing other people to be your witnesses and she’s not invited to the actual ceremony or lunch, just the evening ‘do’. I fail to see how this is going to be barely any better from her POV than you eloping. I simply can’t see the point in not eloping, but not including her in the whole day. She looks after DS, you get on ok with her, why not invite her to the wedding and lunch, not just the party?

As a general guest it’s fine, do whatever, people will either come or not. You’ll never please everyone so it’s not worth worrying about,

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 19:50

Wear jeans sandals and a nice top to the registry office

Change into a lovely dress for the party robset the two apart (as it appears that's what you are aiming for)

Prestonsflowers · 14/04/2018 19:50

I’m a MIL
My son got married abroad and they had a lovely service at a beautiful hotel with family and friends.
The legal service was the day before, was I there? no, was I told about it? no. I worked it out for myself, from quick side glances and a shush.
Did I tell my son and DDIL that I was upset NO fucking way. They still don’t know that I realised that I wasn’t invited to the legal stuff.
Were my DDILs Mum and Dad there for the legal stuff? I have no idea. And I will never ask, I don’t mean that in a sinister way either!
It was their day and celebration, I love them both dearly and I was so pleased to be a part of the their day. It was fabulous, lovely food, and lovely surroundings.
It’s your day, you should do what is right for you and your DP. Your planned day sounds lovely, I like the suggestion that you change before the evening.
If you can, try and to be kind to your MIL, this is a big change for her but tell her to fuck off with “ normal mother daughter relationship shit”
comments, they are extremely cruel

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 19:51

I hope you're going to be tactful about it and not say "look MIL if you really must come to the register office, then we'll let you..."

derxa · 14/04/2018 19:52

It sounds very cruel to be honest. All this chat about tea dresses is irrelevant.

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:58

I'm going to leave the thread here.
To be called cruel and tactless because we want to get married and don't care so much for a wedding is beyond a joke.

Thanks for the assistance.

OP posts:
snewname · 14/04/2018 19:59

I can understand her being hurt that a friend each is more important than her - especially as you think she is good enough for childcare but not the wedding.

Emma198 · 14/04/2018 20:00

Each to their own. I would definitely enjoy it as a guest, but my ceremony and having everyone there was my favourite and most special part of our day. That said, clearly our circumstances could be very different to mine so if you're sure that's what would make you happiest then that's the right thing to do.

AlecOrAlonzo · 14/04/2018 20:10

I think it sounds fab!

Have a lovely day and and happy future, op.

Congratulations!

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 20:24

I do have to wonder if I'd just come on here asking for random strangers to be witnesses at our ceremony would I have been questioned about why we weren't having family there.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 20:24

OP I don't think you are cruel or tackless.
The problem with weddings these days is so many people have this huge expectation of a full on day with all the trimmings without a thought for the couple or cost implications

MIL has a grandchild so the actually marriage but is irrelevant

We eloped. Nobody cared. We already had 3 children so the legal was just for us. We didn't have a party either.

Even my rich family haven't had bid weddings. There really is no need.

I wish more people had casual weddings rather than the excessive showy do's and all the stress involved.

Have a wonder marriage! You have your head screwed on.

OlennasWimple · 14/04/2018 20:31

I think your plan sounds great in the circumstances, and I hope it goes well

Ted Baker does some nice modern wedding dresses that might be nice for both the civil ceremony and the party afterwards: www.tedbaker.com/uk/Womens/Tie-The-Knot/Wedding-Dresses/c/wedding-dresses

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 20:58

Q - yes.

BackforGood · 14/04/2018 20:58

The point is, you asked the question - this is our plan, will people hate us ?

Now, quite a lot of folk have said the same thing (probably not use the word hate, but) they would be sad / upset / disappointed / hurt / etc. If you wanted everyone to come on and say "of course not, it sounds lovely", then you needed to put that in your title, or opening post "Please only post if you agree what I am doing is lovely". There is no point in asking a question if you are only prepared to hear the answers you want.
Lots, and lots of people have said it will be lovely. If you care what internet strangers think, then take those replies, and have a lovely day. If you want to know the answer to your question, however, then accept that the majority of posters have said it will be lovely, but a sizeable minority have say it is sad. Presumably wanting to find that out, is why you asked. If you were 100% confident that what you are doing will be loved by everyone, then you wouldn't have needed to ask.

bimbobaggins · 14/04/2018 21:01

Exactly backforgood

BeesAreKing · 14/04/2018 21:02

Ignore people saying you are cruel op, no one here is qualified to comment on your family dynamic except you. I expect a lot of posters are projecting massively.

derxa · 14/04/2018 21:09

If you were 100% confident that what you are doing will be loved by everyone, then you wouldn't have needed to ask. Sadly that's the case. I don't want to hurt anyone least of all OP but I would be devastated if I couldn't go to my DS's wedding.

BeesAreKing · 14/04/2018 21:11

Don't be a dick to him then derxa, and I'm sure it won't happen to you.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 21:13

You asked for people’s opinions.

If you didn’t want people to comment on your first paragraph you should have left it out. You could easily have just posted the rest. You brought the issue of your MIL into it.

No one is calling you cruel for not wanting a wedding, I even said go with your eloping plan! But many of us think the way you are doing it now is no better from your MIL’s point of view and in some ways worse, choosing others as witnesses and to be at your special meal, while she’s only invited to the evening party.

But do what you want, it’s your life, your wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just put your toys back in your cot. You asked for opinions.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 14/04/2018 21:14

BeesAreKing Sat 14-Apr-18 21:11:07
Don't be a dick to him then derxa, and I'm sure it won't happen to you.

...this would be the mother in law who looks after their DS for them? Yeah, what a dick she must be Hmm

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 21:17

GreenTulips That coast dress is lovely.

Bringmejavabringmejoy thread on this board few weeks ago. No questions asked.

BackforGood I asked if people would hate the structure of the day. Not us.

There is no ceremony. There are 2 people turning up to a register office with 2 witnesses to sign a register and say they're married - 10 min procedure. The important part to us is to celebrate this act and do so with family and friends since we are doing it at home. Hence everyone we care about being invited to a party to celebrate it. Had we eloped we would have celebrated doing so with champagne by a pool in Vegas. There'd have been no party and no family/friend inclusion - that's why mil was pissed.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 21:17

but I would be devastated if I couldn't go to my DS's wedding

MIL isn't missing it! They changed their plans to include her in the celerbration. Even paying for said celerbration.

OP and her DH can get married where and when they chose and invite who they like.

So many on here say 'well you shouldn't expect an invitation'

She has been invited. Just not in the way she likes.