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Original poster

Will people hate our wedding, and do I really care?

166 replies

QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 18:04

Getting married in a year, so many stupid family politics that have actually stopped us eloping and doing it in secret (not worth the fallout from mil) that we've now decided to do the below, I just don't know people will really hate it ....I also can't work out if I'm passed caring or if I still want more myself too.

1:30pm register office - myself, dp, ds and 2 independent witnesses (not family, 1 friend each)
2pm - we take the witnesses and their partners for a nice meal and wine somewhere
5:30pm - party for 150 guests with bbq and arrival drink, 2 bottles of wine on each table. Party to 11:30pm.

Will it still feel special enough to us but relaxed enough to not have the stresses do you think?
Opinions welcome, also ideas on my dress as I cant think of anything casual enough for a small restaurant meal but bridal enough to welcome guests at the party.

There will be a photographer at the evening to capture some memories.

OP posts:
Slievenamon · 15/04/2018 15:48

MIL isn't missing it! They changed their plans to include her in the celerbration. Even paying for said celerbration

She is missing it. She's not invited to the wedding, she's invited to a party.

GreenTulips · 15/04/2018 16:26

for us the evening IS the whole thing

There is no ceremony. There are 2 people turning up to a register office with 2 witnesses to sign a register and say they're married - 10 min procedure

OP and her DH are viewing the signing of the legal documents very differently to how you're viewing it does not make it wrong.

Helpmeplan · 15/04/2018 17:03

Q sounds bloody good to me. Enjoy it. Its your and your DPs day.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 15/04/2018 17:17

OP and her DH are viewing the signing of the legal documents very differently to how you're viewing it does not make it wrong

There isn’t any ‘viewing it differently’ THAT is the ‘getting married’ bit.

It’s fact, not preference.

HRTpatch · 15/04/2018 17:23

Go for it. I'm getting married next month..just the 2 of us and a random witness. No (adult) children, siblings or friends.
Perfect.

lapetitesiren · 15/04/2018 17:35

I think mil will feel very hurt if she gets excluded from the legal part. She wants to see you married and has made this clear. If you engineer it so she either can't or feels she is intruding it could do a lot of damage to your relationship with her. You will make her feel unimportant. If she looks after your child could you perhaps include her as their chaperone and then anyone else not invited will not be able to think it was an unfair preference. I would buy her a buttonhole and make her welcome. A wedding doesn't seem like a time to make her pay for unkind remarks, two wrongs don't make a right, and it would be much nicer to deal with that issue in an appropriate way. I must admit a bias though as i do struggle with the current focus on the bride and groom having a dream day at the expense of other people's dreams, and it seems to be becoming more common for people who care about a couple and have an interest in their lives to be excluded. Your evening celebration sounds lovely and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Plumsofwrath · 15/04/2018 17:37

As to the question of whether your guests might hate your plan: tbh when I was in my 20s and 30s, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it. To each their own blah blah, and any excuse for getting dressed up and having a nice time.

As I gently coast towards being an old(er) fart, honestly I think I’d only come out of obligation. I’d be delighted for you that you’re married, wouldn’t have an opinion on how you chose to do it, but would feel that my sincere wishes, communicated through words and gestures and maybe a gift or taking you out for dinner at a time and place that’s mutually convenient, would be far preferable. Organising childcare, a precious (presumably) weekend evening out after a whole day with young kids, but not actually seeing you married....what’s the point? If you’re wearing a wedding dress I’d feel like a B list guest. If your rigged out normally and it’s basically a big dinner party with some music . It’d feel a bit like a work Christmas party.

But none of this would in any way detract from my happiness at your happiness. So congratulations!!

Plumsofwrath · 15/04/2018 17:38

*you’re rigged

Original poster
QforCucumber · 15/04/2018 17:58

lapetitesiren there's no buttonholes or bouquets for dp and I so issues why we should buy one for mil.

Thanks all for the input, it is good to hear all opinions and have given us cause for more discussion (though we still want small - and can't work out where we're supposed to draw the line)

OP posts:
Slievenamon · 15/04/2018 18:19

OP and her DH are viewing the signing of the legal documents very differently to how you're viewing it does not make it wrong

It does though. That is the wedding. That not a matter of opinion, its just the simple fact. The legal bit is the wedding and the party afterwards is not.

Sprinklesinmyelbow · 15/04/2018 18:24

Do you have any close friends? An ex close friend got married like this and upset a lot of people by only asking them to an after party. They were too tight to pay out for any more despite having lots of close friends, hen and stag parties, requesting cash for presents etc and it was upsetting. There was a bit of a fall out and they don’t have any close friends now

Dozer · 15/04/2018 18:31

Can understand why MIL is sad not to be invited to the ceremony, on the same day as the “evening do”, but it’s your and DP’s wedding and your choice.

Doesn’t make sense at all for her to come and see you the morning of the wedding when she’s not invited to the ceremony. Especially when one of your concerns was that she could spoil your wedding morning.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/04/2018 18:40

OP, please don’t get yourself in tangle with this. Sit back and think what you want. Forget about other people. It’s not their wedding.

My parents were not devastated that we had a secret unannounced wedding. Possibly a little shocked, but they knew and loved my DH. They paid for us to have a honeymoon and our relationship didn’t suffer a jot. Perhaps they were just a bit more sensible than most, I don’t know. They were more concerned to see we had a long and happy marriage, which we have.

I shall want the same for my DC if they make a similar choice.

You are not being selfish, quite the opposite, you are trying to manage the relationships of others with tact. Perhaps you need to sit down with MIL and say this is what you want, and why you want it.

I think you are being very kind allowing her to come and see STBDH off on the day of the wedding but I think this may add to the drama. I hope it doesn’t spoil your day by making hers.

Hope you have a lovely day! Flowers

lapetitesiren · 15/04/2018 19:19

Well, maybe not a buttonhole then. I just meant it in the spirit of a gesture that would make her feel sure it was ok for her to be there.

Yvest · 16/04/2018 00:05

Surely you can see that your MIL is putting brace face on it. She wants to see her son on the morning of his wedding, she wants to get him ready for his wedding but she’s not allowed to watch him get married. You might just see it as the legal bit but she’s being quite dignified but for goodness sake, give the woman the pleasure of seeing her son get married. She can’t really be giving you much more of a hit. Be the bigger person.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/04/2018 00:41

The OP is already being the bigger person by not eloping. Why should the STBMIL's wishes override those of her DS and STBDIL? The STBMIL is being selfish, I'm afraid. If she were really putting a brave face on she would just go with what the couple themselves wanted.

StUmbrageinSkelt · 16/04/2018 01:29

We pretty much did this.

DH's aunt hasn't forgiven us lo these 27 years later. Meh.

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 16/04/2018 06:15

I don't get all this "eloping" nonsense. Isn't that what lovesick kids used to do in the olden days? I also don't agree it's "your day" and bugger everyone else.

However, I'm starting to doubt this thread as I don't believe a sane mother of an adult son would want to help him get ready on the morning of his wedding Hmm

GreenTulips · 16/04/2018 07:49

Woolworths elope because of batshit families who make unreasonable demands about who where when what and spoilt the day with undue pressure to put on some type of performance for familly members they haven't seen for decades and then there the divorced parents and their new wives/families when they've never been in the same room since the divorce.lets not forget the rowdy uncles who've spoilt every familly occasion.

Then there's the astronomical costs involved to keep the above fed and watered all day because you know they have to travel get a taxi.

And inevitably the parents who have different expectations of how things should be done.

Some families are t that straight forward

Given some of the threads on here I'm suprised more people don't do it

timshortfforthalia · 16/04/2018 08:04

You should just elope.

If you are doing the whole thing just for mil, you will end up resenting her. This is especially true if she still isn't happy with it.

We went to Vegas the two of us. Both sets of parents were a bit Hmm and my mum in particular was quite upset. But we'd already booked it once we told them. I would have found the cost and stress of organizing a wedding too much, it would have ruined it for me. I probably would have had lots of arguments with my mum if I'd have had a proper wedding. Instead i just had one.

Do it your way. I totally understand why you don't want four parents from his side and none from yours.

timshortfforthalia · 16/04/2018 08:11

And for the record, it totally blew over with my mum, she loves dp and enjoys telling people about our Vegas wedding.

Mrspotter12 · 16/04/2018 08:58

Can you stop people going into the registry office to watch though? I know you can't with churches.

yorkshireyummymummy · 16/04/2018 09:26

QforCucumber.
Sweetheart, I’m sat here having a little weep for you.
I read all of your comments but I had to stop reading the ones having a go at you. There’s some nasty people on here who are obviously dissatisfied with their owns lives and so become faceless bitches. Ignore them.

Your wedding day is about you and your soon to be hubby. I love your wedding day plans but feel aggrieved in your behalf that you are not having the day you want.
So, how about this compromise......
Keep your registry office wedding service and invite MIL. Keep it as small as you can.
Go somewhere glorious for lunch , splash out a bit with the people who attended the registry with you. Get MIL to look after her grandchild and you two sneak away for a night in a bridal suite in a nice hotel.

Then, using the money you would have spent on the party that you don’t want, have a blow out honeymoon, taking dc with you.BUT .......here’s the twist.......have a ceremony abroad too which is all about the two of you. Offer, marriages abroad are not legal here < waves at Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall> so need a civil ceremony here but still fulfill the desire for an exotic service/blessing.

Your hubby to be sounds lovely and very supportive. However you and he decide to do it he sounds strong enough to say to his mother that it’s this way or nothing. Don’t let your MIL control and bully you into emotionally blackmailing you into doing something that costs a fortune and you don’t want to do anyway! If she wants a party, tell her to arrange and pay for one for when you return from your trip . That’s what I would do. I too know the pain of parental rejection.

I wish you a glorious day, done in a way to make you two happy and a long , happy and healthy marriage.

Slievenamon · 16/04/2018 09:28

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clumsyduck · 16/04/2018 09:31

This honestly sounds perfect my cousin did very Similair hands down the best wedding Iv ever been to but then I hate the long drawn out formal ones with a passion .

As many pp have also said its yours and dhs day .