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Original poster

Will people hate our wedding, and do I really care?

166 replies

QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 18:04

Getting married in a year, so many stupid family politics that have actually stopped us eloping and doing it in secret (not worth the fallout from mil) that we've now decided to do the below, I just don't know people will really hate it ....I also can't work out if I'm passed caring or if I still want more myself too.

1:30pm register office - myself, dp, ds and 2 independent witnesses (not family, 1 friend each)
2pm - we take the witnesses and their partners for a nice meal and wine somewhere
5:30pm - party for 150 guests with bbq and arrival drink, 2 bottles of wine on each table. Party to 11:30pm.

Will it still feel special enough to us but relaxed enough to not have the stresses do you think?
Opinions welcome, also ideas on my dress as I cant think of anything casual enough for a small restaurant meal but bridal enough to welcome guests at the party.

There will be a photographer at the evening to capture some memories.

OP posts:
Newbieuser1880 · 14/04/2018 21:21

Just wanted to say I 100% agree with your approach. The day is about a commitment between you two and anyone that cares about that will have no problems. You’re also compromising for some people and they will see that. Enjoy your day x

Prestonsflowers · 14/04/2018 21:34

Op, you’ve had a flaming from some, good job you didn’t post in AIBU.
It’s your day, the structure sounds lovely,,go ahead and enjoy it 💐🍾

onemorecakeplease · 14/04/2018 21:36

I’d like to come to your wedding - sounds fab.
Enjoyable for guests and no stress for you
Win win!
Have a wonderful day

ItsNotUnusualToBe · 14/04/2018 21:37

My DH is incredibly close to my MIL. We got married just us and my children and no one else was invited. They all still love us and it hasn't changed DH /MIL relationship. We had the wedding day we wanted. We didn't cave in to pressures (not MIL) for a party afterwards either.

SleightOfMind · 14/04/2018 21:37

DH and I also had nonsense with families about our wedding (from both sides but mostly his).

I was kind but firm and now, over a decade later, have a lovely relationship with my ILs.

Try and see it as an expression of the fact that they care and not let it get to you too much.
I think you’ve been more than accommodating by changing your plans and creating an event for friends and family to celebrate with you.
Your evening sounds lovely and I bet everyone has a wonderful time.
Honestly, you really won’t care very much - you’ll be on such a high after the ceremony and that joy will be infectious.

So ridiculous though. I do feel your pain. It’s just one day. I hope I’ll be much more interested in developing a good relationship with my new family member than trying to dictate how they choose to formally join up!

Viviennemary · 14/04/2018 21:40

I don't think a barbeque would suit older people very much. I don't think it's usual to lump close family in with evening guests and not invite them to anything during the day. but it's difficult to please everyone.

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 23:28

I don't think a barbeque would suit older people very much

There's always one

allthegoodnameshadgone · 14/04/2018 23:30

It's your wedding. If you both agree then that's the main thing x

ineedaholidaynow · 14/04/2018 23:53

I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom got married at the registry office with no fuss. Don't know if parents were invited but no guests.

They then had a party afterwards quite similar to your plans OP.

They did say some words to each other at the party, bit like vows, which were obviously very personal to each other, so don't know if that is something you could consider. Everything was very relaxed and happy. One of the best weddings I have been to, and I am usually more about listening to the vows than a big party.

expatinscotland · 14/04/2018 23:57

'I don't think a barbeque would suit older people very much. I don't think it's usual to lump close family in with evening guests and not invite them to anything during the day. but it's difficult to please everyone.'

Then they can stay home. People shouldn't have to have an identikit wedding with the same ol' boring arse 'wedding breakfast' and then poxy evening do just because a few auld cudgers prefer it that way.

Jux · 15/04/2018 00:34

Some years ago, a poster came on here asking if anyone lived near X and was free to act as a witness to the wedding the next day. Someone was. (I can't remember who the other witness was or they recruited them. I'm sure they had two strangers anyway.) apparently it was a lovely wedding, the pictures were posted, and they looked so happy.

They did what you want to do. It was what I wanted for my wedding (dh didn't and got his own way, but that's another thread!).

It's not unusual. It's just that people who want to do it quietly aren't bridezillas and don't make a lot of noise about it.

Have a happy day, and do it the way you want to in the knowledge that you're not weird, it's far more common than you think.

ShackUp · 15/04/2018 08:08

MIL was a cow on my wedding day and nearly ruined it (we had an informal thing, too). Your idea sounds like best of both worlds, OP. Don't worry about pleasing everyone, least of all a complaining MIL.

calzone · 15/04/2018 08:16

Cucumber it’s because stupid people don’t read the thread before posting.

It sounds fabulous and you will look amazing.

Please keep posting.

Boooommm · 15/04/2018 08:29

Personally if it's only 10 mins I wouldnt care if MIL was there or not so therefore I would invite her. If ahe was such a cow that she would ruin that bit I wouldn't let her look after my child.
We had some nightmare famiky shit at our wedding because FIL amd MIL havent spoken in 15 years but we did our best to make it okay for them both as though theh are bith PITAs they raised DH and do love him. I think unless she is a total bitch you are being unkind.

ImListening · 15/04/2018 08:32

You need more alcohol on the tables. You should invite mil to the legal bit. Tea dress will be perfect. Bbq sounds great but I’d start it a bit later so you have time for a break.

Also you seem to only want people to agree with you!

thethoughtfox · 15/04/2018 08:38

That sounds like an amazing wedding. Congratulations.

thethoughtfox · 15/04/2018 08:41

ASOS has loads of very cheap but beautiful wedding/ bridesmaids style dresses.

ZenNudist · 15/04/2018 08:54

Plan sounds great but speaking as someone who had a lovely wedding abroad and a big UK evening do to celebrate then i think its a shame you can't do similar. What does it matter to MIL now that her involvement is limited to eve do anyway.

So get married in vegas them have your fab party at home plus an album or video everyone can watch.

5.30 start on a weekend is great. Especially if kids are coming.

Think it speaks volumes your dh is not inviting his mum. If their relationship was good he would. Its up to him.

Yvest · 15/04/2018 09:02

The party sounds lovely but I can’t get over the fact that your MIL who is good enough to look after your son every day, who you speak to and have a good relationship with can’t see her son get married. Sometimes op you have to do what’s right and letting a mother see her son get married is the right thing to do, the party is neither here nor there. I would start budgeting for your own childcare because wouldn’t be surprised if she can’t get past that, I wouldn’t

BIWI · 15/04/2018 09:07

@Viviennemary
I don't think a barbeque would suit older people very much
What a stupid thing to say.

@QforCucumber - I think your day sounds lovely. It's about you and your DP and what you want. The only thing I would say is that you keep repeating that the register office part is not a ceremony, or only 10 minutes - but your MIL may not feel the same way. Would it really hurt you both to let her attend that bit? Given that she's also providing you with childcare, surely you don't want to jeopardise that relationship?

If it doesn't matter to you, then why would it matter to let her attend?

ziggy1986 · 15/04/2018 13:17

I think you should invite his parents. You can still keep it small - just have two extra people so 7 instead of 5.

burnoutbabe · 15/04/2018 13:51

for most guests, the party sounds fine - people are local so not much travel and they are fed and watered. All good.

Not inviting his parents (just them 2, no one else) to the ceremony seems mean and designed to cause issues. I'd assume HUGE issues in the relationship if parents not invited (and not say abroad) to a local ceremony. People will ask his parents about it and assume the worse.

ilovekitkats · 15/04/2018 15:32

My parents are 70 and love barbecues Confused Grin

OP, if I ever do it again —very unlikely— I would do something very similar to what you are doing.

I would ask MIL though , if you get on with her.

Original poster
QforCucumber · 15/04/2018 15:43

We have spoken to mil. She was upset about not having anything to mark the day if we eloped. She would like to come and see us on the morning (And get dp ready) and be the first to arrive at the

OP posts:
Original poster
QforCucumber · 15/04/2018 15:45

Reception with us.

This isn't a problem.
My previous posts have said this isn't a problem.

Her being there isn't a problem.

Her and fil have not spoken for 12 years - dp didn't want to have to choose between them.

OP posts: