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Original poster

Will people hate our wedding, and do I really care?

166 replies

QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 18:04

Getting married in a year, so many stupid family politics that have actually stopped us eloping and doing it in secret (not worth the fallout from mil) that we've now decided to do the below, I just don't know people will really hate it ....I also can't work out if I'm passed caring or if I still want more myself too.

1:30pm register office - myself, dp, ds and 2 independent witnesses (not family, 1 friend each)
2pm - we take the witnesses and their partners for a nice meal and wine somewhere
5:30pm - party for 150 guests with bbq and arrival drink, 2 bottles of wine on each table. Party to 11:30pm.

Will it still feel special enough to us but relaxed enough to not have the stresses do you think?
Opinions welcome, also ideas on my dress as I cant think of anything casual enough for a small restaurant meal but bridal enough to welcome guests at the party.

There will be a photographer at the evening to capture some memories.

OP posts:
cjferg · 14/04/2018 19:06

Sounds amazing, it's your day and if you and partner are happy that is the main thing. Just do whatever you are comfortable and focus on enjoying your day, not whether everyone else will enjoy it.

When I got married we went to registry office with some family then went out for a nice meal with a few others, then the pub. Was special for us because we got married. Didn't want a massive fuss like you, kinda wished we just eloped but people wanted to be involved.

I wore a green dress with sort of lace detail on it that came to just above knees (I don't like long skirts) and almost wore my comfy old Doc Marten's but DH talked me out of it haha.

bimbobaggins · 14/04/2018 19:07

I’m another one who doesn’t think it’s fair that your dp family won’t be there because yours won’t. Why don’t you just have the parents.

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:08

If dp wanted his mum there and was a big deal then of course, we are each choosing a witness - it's not about the mil..i have chosen my closest friend because I have noone else I'd choose. Dp has chosen his friend because that's who he wants..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/04/2018 19:09

"It's not fair"

How is it "fair" to have one of the witnesses being unkind to you on your wedding?? If her MIL was kind and loving I'm sure it would be different Confused

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:11

Argh posted too soon, yes mil was cross when we said we were eloping. Hence us doing it here, but it is not about leaving her out, or isolating ourselves Hmm it's about wether not having a wedding breakfast and traditional set up would be weird or if a wedding guest wouldn't mind there only being an evening party (since you read so much on mn about evening invited being snubs and people turning them down if not invited to the whole thing - for us the evening IS the whole thing)

OP posts:
Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 19:13

Let his mum come. It's not her fault your mum is crap (sorry). Get your DP to have a good chat with her about her tactlessness and how she needs to change. It could be a turnaround in your relationship with her.

Perfectly1mperfect · 14/04/2018 19:13

It sounds lovely and I am sure everyone will have a great day. I would definitly get changed between the ceremony and party if your budget will stretch to 2 dresses, then you won't be picking 1 dress that's not quite right for either part of the day, if that makes sense.

I did come on to say it seems a shame that because your mum won't be there, that MIL can't be either, but then I have just read your post saying that she makes snide comments about your relationship with your mum, so it's completely understandable that you have chosen for her not to attend.. If she so wanted to be at the actual wedding then she should have been kinder to you.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 14/04/2018 19:14

I think the issue with evening invites is almost entirely with people who are being expected to travel significant distances but only being invited to an evening party. Your guests are all local so that's not a problem.

BirthdayKake · 14/04/2018 19:17

Thank you Q! I know. I cannot believe they're in their terrible twos!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 14/04/2018 19:19

I highly doubt that your MIL will never speak to you and her DS again if you just go off and do your own thing. I say call her bluff and have the wedding you actually want.

However, what you have planned as a compromise sounds lovely. (She won’t like not being at the ceremony though, can you trust her not to show up?)

I would go for a vintage look, 50’s style waisted dress with flared skirt.

FWIW, I got married with two witnesses and no family. Would do the same again 30 odd years on.

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:19

Just to be clear - I have not said to not invite mil. We have a good relationship, i speak to her daily, she looks after ds
We have decided to have a party local to home to include her, because I understand that though my relationship with my own mother is fraught it's important to her to celebrate her son's wedding on the day he weds (her words)

But

WE want the structure as set out in my op if we are doing things at home, and I asked if, as guests, this seems ok as it's not like any wedding day/celebration I've attended before.

OP posts:
Fundays12 · 14/04/2018 19:20

Sounds fabulous to me

ChickenVindaloo2 · 14/04/2018 19:25

I literally can't imagine not inviting my parents to my wedding. Unless I was NC with them because they had done something absolutely unspeakable. Something a bit worse than making snidey comments or being a general PITA.

Imagine telling someone your DD or DS got married but they didn't invite you!

noeffingidea · 14/04/2018 19:25

Sounds great.
I'd wear a maxi dress with sandals. If you get one in cream or white you can still feel as if you're wearing a wedding dress but be more relaxed and comfortable at the same time.

ReversingSnail · 14/04/2018 19:31

I agree with Myimaginarycat. Have the wedding you chose in the first place.

Personally I find the wedding ceremony to be the most special and meaningful part of the day, and feel a party by itself isn't quite the same. However, that's my view only. This is your wedding and your decision.

What you decide is all totally up to you and your DP. Your MIL had her wedding, now it's your turn to have yours - and not a carbon copy of hers!

Another thought - what if your MIL still finds fault with the proceedings despite you changing it all to suit her?

I have friends who had the smallest and quietest wedding possible, as it was just their personal preference. I certainly wouldn't have wanted them to have to throw a party they didn't want, because someone else expected them to.

Good luck whatever you decide.

SomewhatDisgruntled · 14/04/2018 19:32

I'd love to be invited to something like this, OP. I am a worrier and spend far too much time thinking about what to wear to weddings: how formally should I dress (don't want to look OTT nor offend the bride); how warm will it be; how far will I have to walk; what will I do if it rains; where will I put my phone + purse + everything I carry just-in-case... I think I could happily go to this and just enjoy myself! Sounds like it will be a much less stressful event all round, especially given that no-one is having to travel too far (i.e. fork out loads on taxis or hotels) and so it's likely all your friends will be able to attend.

You've made your decisions about why you're having those 2 witnesses at the ceremony, so it seems the thing you're worried about is whether people will think it odd not to have all the 'usual' trappings of a wedding i.e. wedding breakfast, formal meal etc. As I said, I think it sounds fab! There's a lot more variety now in how people organise wedding days. And the fact that this is the only event to which people are being invited means that you don't need to worry at all about the ceremony/evening invitation dilemma. You're right that some people get very offended about this and some MN posts are very judgey about having 2 groups of guests, but I don't see how it could apply here. Have a great day Smile.

Bringmejavabringmejoy · 14/04/2018 19:33

I would imagine MIL wants to be at the ceremony to watch her son wed. I can imagine she would feel embarrassed telling family and friends that she wasn't allowed to do that.

Your celebration in the evening sounds lovely for extended family and friends, but if I were MIL it would be a BBQ after the real event.

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:33

chicken and that's great that you have that relationship, know how much I wish i had that with my mum? How much I wish she had wanted to meet ds when he was born? But we don't.

And dp isn't doing anything to spite her, we've changed what WE are doing for her.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 14/04/2018 19:33

Do you think she will carry on looking after your son of you do not invite her to the ceremony?

GreenTulips · 14/04/2018 19:34

www.coast-stores.com/p/wendy-lace-shift-dress/1969806

I love this dress!! Bit lots of othersnon Coast website.

Sounds like a great day - I love a party but find the 'wedding' but a bit long drawn out and dull.

I'd go and be happy for you both

buddy79 · 14/04/2018 19:35

I second the maxi dress and sandals. Phase eight has some really pretty cream / nude detailed maxi dresses in their collection 8 section?

Littlechocola · 14/04/2018 19:36

Perfect.

LiquoriceTea · 14/04/2018 19:40

I think if she looks after your child regularly you really should invite her. Just do your plan plus her for the ceremony . To have 35 person and not his mother is harsh :*

LiquoriceTea · 14/04/2018 19:41

I would be devastated if I was your husband's mum. Fair enough not being to my taste but for 35 people other than me being invited to own sons wedding :(

It seems quite spiteful that because yours aren't there you dont want his. (My mum wasn't at mine, still invited his even though usual mil issues!(

Original poster
QforCucumber · 14/04/2018 19:43

We are going to speak to mil tomorrow, as stated earlier if it is that important to her to see dp marry of course she can come to the register office its NOT about that (though to us thats just the legal bit and can't see the big deal, its 10 mins, we'd just go tomorrow and do it if we could)

Thanks for all the suggestions too, the only reason for the early start was because that's when the venue said we could have it from and that's when it's paid for from Grin
And dress ideas are great, thankyou. We've not done this before so a bit clueless on where to even begin.

OP posts: