So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

life is full of pivot points. My own daughter followed the crowd to uni and hated it. She lasted 6 weeks then we brought her home. We sat as a family to dis uss where we went from there and she ended up getting an apprenticeship which suited her very well. She was working and had one day at college . She is now 21 and has a full time job with a decent pension, a car and has just bought her house with her partner. All her friends are at the point where they are coming home with their student debt, no work experience and hoping to find a job. We didn’t anticipate that pivot but it has definitely worked out for the best for her. It is not the end of the world, just re centre and work out what the next step will be and work as a family towards that.

My son is the same. He's barely scraped through. He's more than capable but has managed to go through 5 years of school doing the absolute bare minimum.

It's very frustrating. By contrast to your son though , he doesn't seem upset with his results at all. He's passed everything ( by the skin if his teeth for a few subjects).

He's definitely not met the grades for the A Levels he's applied for and seems un interested in looking for a job or applying for anything else.
He's been told he's got until September to get it sorted or I'll be changing the locks !

not everyone learns or executes their intelligence in the same way, I hated exams, did just enough to get to the next stage (they are literally a stepping stone, no one gives a shit about your GCSEs once you’re in the real world)

nothing wrong with vocational, I went down the same route because I hated exams, got 3 distinctions and into any Uni I applied for, all my friends looked down their nose because they weren’t A levels but the reality is, it’s a stepping stone again….now very successful on 6 figures, so don’t be too hard on them, they will find their own way

Can he repeat? To be honest I think you are being too nice to him, I would be telling him he needs to step up and start putting in some proper effort. Whats his friends circle like? Is he being negatively influenced? He might flourish in something like the Tlevel course, might suit him better but he needs to be trying his best not coasting because you have his back.

If he isnt academic its not his fault .. just because you passed doesn't mean he will.
He obviously struggles under pressure in exams .
You're failing him by your reaction .. stop acting like its the end of his world when it really isnt omg he is 11 get a grip.

Some kids are just not good at exams. I did ok in GCSEs but at a level only managed CCD having been predicted As. My son put in a lot of work and got cdd having been pretty much top of 2 of his classes, my dad did similar. The refusal to work is a problem, but some kids just can't do exams, I think it's too do with long term memory recall. I'm at the top of my profession now in a very advanced technical job, I do a lot of scripting, but if you ask me what commands to run and I haven't run them for a couple of months I always have to look it up, once there in short term memory I can do things other people can't, but in my long term memory they just aren't there!

Of course OP should (and I’m sure will) support him, of course she should help him in his next steps. But say she’s proud of him? No. She isn’t, for good reason. If he’d got those results after working hard and trying his best, then yes - but he didn’t. I hate this thing of telling children you’re proud of them when they’ve put no effort into something. It debases the meaning of the word.

Save telling him you’re proud of him until he’s done something to be proud of.

If he has mediocre results because he did not put the work in, why would the OP congratulate him and say how proud she is of him?

It would be different if he received mediocre results but had worked hard to achieve them.

I'll probably get jumped on for this but could ADHD be present? My DC constantly failed to reach exam expectations. Turns out he literally could not concentrate on anything that he wasn't interested in. So while he'd been very successful in English while choosing his own texts he could absolutely not study GCSE texts. We believed him to just be lazy but following some significant mental health struggles it's become apparent there's a lot more to his failure to reach expectations. Remember, this is not the end of the world and there will be a path for your DS.

Does he maybe get really anxious about exams specifically? I really messed up my alevel and degree finals even though I understood the subject matter. Maybe there is a bit of that ?

Admissions at your local college should be able to find him a choice of courses.
I think he needs to study the prospectus and find a few he might be interested in.

It could be that he will thrive by going to a college and do far better. If he is not so academic it could be an apprenticeship is more worthwhile. Best wishes to him whatever he decides to do.

Sorry I need to catch up with the thread. I know this post is all about me and my feelings but that was kind of the point - I can't exactly say how I'm feeling to him, even if some of my feelings are valid and some of them are entirely selfish. I do recognise that some of my disappointment comes from the fact that I would have been devastated to receive these results and I know he is not me, but it still feels like I failed him.

We are taking a bit of a scattergun approach at the moment and will see where we end up. He applied for a btec course and a t level and needs to wait to hear from the college - both are similar courses but I want him to make the final decision himself.

He is currently drafting out an application for an apprenticeship he has picked from the gov site that he likes the look of. He likes the idea of earning money as quickly as possible but I'm trying to manage expectations as I understand apprenticeships can be very competitive. I am trying to be as hands off as I can but I can already tell we will be here all night as he keeps trying to get me to tell him what to say but I am being firm that I will only look at it once he has written it out and proof read it himself first.

Is this his first fail? You’ve managed things so far to avoid failure? If so therein lies the problem. He has failed, you need to offer suggestions but he needs to choose. You can only stop the dam breaking for so long. Sorry it is a tough lesson for you all but a valuable one which is retrievable but he needs to lead not you.

Not his first failure - he failed the 11+ but not by that much. Covid hit 6 months before that exam so it disrupted everything just before and then his year group didn't sit their SATs.

He has had years of social issues - bullying and really struggling to make friends, and teachers have mentioned he can be easily distracted in lessons but never considered "naughty" or disruptive. And never once have we had an issue with actual ability to do the work or learn something - just a real resistance to doing anything extra or off his own bat!

This sounds like a really good amount of progress for one day. I hope you have time to have a bit of a rest this evening. You’re doing your best to support him, rightly, but ultimately this is his life and his story.

Please don't be too harsh on him. It's not the end of the world. I failed my GCSE's but have gone on to be very successful. I was predicted excellent grades but when it came to it, I couldn't (and still can't) get my thoughts on to paper and school massively failed me. When it was questioned after my results they said they thought I couldn't be bothered!

My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and is on the referral path for autism. By the time he comes home from school he has masked so much during the day he's too exhausted for homework. I see so many of my traits and struggles in him. He is 9 but I am his biggest advocate and am doing everything to ensure he is not failed as I was.

I'm not saying this is the same with your son but please consider this before writing him off as someone who can't be bothered. The education system is not fit for all of us!

Sent with love xx

This might be the wakeup call he needs tbh