So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

@Monty36 I have had the thought of "why didn't the school warn us about this?". But then I didn't see it myself either. It has just come as such a shock.

He was in higher set maths and did triple science which the school don't let you do if you are struggling. I have always known he is not a straight A student and that's fine, but I had no idea he would be at risk of not getting into any sixth form.

Honestly, had I known, I would have had it all planned and he would know exactly which vocational course and BTEC he was heading for!

The college offers T levels - I have no experience of these but I'm looking into them now, trying to figure out the difference between them and a BTEC.

I would expect the school to know. Even if you did not. They are the teachers. They exaggerated his expected grades. Which may not have helped him whatsoever.
I would want to understand how they arrived at them. I would ask in your shoes.
Unlike my ‘ you will fail’ unless you pull your socks up, he seems to have been told he would pass. So didn’t feel the need to do anything much.

"Consider a UTC if you have one near you."

This thread has prompted me to have a look at what is on offer locally to where I live.

My DC went the traditional route of doing A Levels at the school sixth form so I've no experience of anything else.

The city I live in has both an FE College and a UTC (it even has an 'Air & Defence College' doing engineering and computing courses in conjunction with the RAF!!). It's been really interesting to see the range of courses available.

"...and have T levels too,"

Looking at my local UTC they require at least a 6 in maths in order to do any A Level. Although, having said that, the UTC requires at least a 5 in maths, English and science to do T Levels. Otherwise they offer a transition course doing a City & Guilds Level 2 Technical Certificate in Engineering.

It's been all very interesting coming across all these different sorts of courses.

I acknowledge all the posts saying he needs to do the next part himself - dh is saying the same.

I am so afraid of not supporting him though and helping him figure out the next step. If I leave him to it, I worry he won't be doing anything.

He has been told he is loved and that he hasn't failed, he just needs to switch tracks now. He knows we are disappointed and that we expect this to be a wake up call, but I have been very careful not to say anything I have posted here to him.

They’re perfectly good results and he can do a plethora of college courses with them.

He isn’t you, and he isn’t a way to live vicariously through him. These are his results, they’re good, he has loads of options and if you turn this into a pity party of you being all “it makes us feel like bad parents” rather than “these are your results, you’ve passed lots of things, let look at which course you can do in September”, you’re on a hiding to nowhere.

Bless you
I’d try to relax for the rest of the day and go with “tomorrow is a new day”
He will have options

• re-sit the GCSE’s to then to A levels of his choice
• A vocational course at college but they may insist he resits some core GCSE’s
• or how about an apprenticeship as another option

Please don’t beat yourself up - you sound like you’ve done your absolute best for your son.

My son was very similar to yours OP. He didn’t get anything higher than a 4, but he went to college instead, got a good BTec and is on target for a first at uni.

I was disappointed too at the time, but now it really doesn’t matter to me

My DD never got the grades she could have done due to lack of revision although she did well enough to get to university. It is frustrating and I've had many of the same thoughts as you, OP.

But the most important thing is he got those 4s in Maths and English. A colleague's son has now resat English about four times and just got a 3 again. So many courses and apprenticeships they enquire about - it's just a straight No when they discover he hasn't passed English.

I think you do need to support him in finding his next path rather than leave it all to him. You can’t risk him doing nothing or choosing a course that doesn’t suit him. Also the different pathways and options are quite complicated as I found when my dc went to college at 16.

I feel your frustration op. I'm feeling similarly annoyed as DD has massively underperformed. She has enough to carry on to A-levels so I should just chill out about it, but I feel so annoyed. I am annoyed at myself for being too softly softly with her. She did f all revision over the Easter holiday and half term, nothing in the evenings. I kept saying let me know if you need help with making a revision schedule, here's a cute notebook for your Spanish vocab, shall we upgrade your Cognito account etc etc. All very encouraging but I wish I'd been more forceful. I put her dance and music on hold at her request so she could revise but she completely squandered the time. DH is delighted she's passed. Doesn't have a clue what the numbers mean.

Anyway op, sorry for ranting on your thread, just needed to get it out!

This is not the end of the world, your DS isn’t suited to academic learning and that’s fine.
He has enough GCSEs to do something good, it won’t be A levels but everyone doesn’t have to go down that route.
What would he like to do next? Has he been to some local colleges to see what’s available?
Please don’t make your DS feel bad or treat this as a huge disappointment, all you can do is move on and help him find the best next step for him.

That is odd that you say he was in higher sets for maths and science. I would definitely query the school about why they think he underachieved given their predictions for his grades. Schools should be pretty cautious in their predictions and I know with my DCs school they always advise us that predictions are cautious.

I fully agree with this, but as a parent I think it’s the hardest thing.

My DC are only mid primary but one shows similar traits to yours OP, and I’m already a bit worried about her. I do think that he probably needs to feel the consequences to help him behave differently next time.

What was his plan for A Level?

Echoing others comments about the difference between predicted and actual. My DC’s schools have always been brutal with their “on track to achieve” /
predicted gcse grades - eg give out 4s and 5s and 6s and then the students actually achieve 8s.

I think it’s important to remember that this stage is just a stepping stone - he just needs to find the next stone now. If he has 5 at grade 4 including maths and English he will be able to find a new stone.

I agree with this. If you were genuinely getting reports home that suggested he was on track for 6s and 7s (not targets of 6, but actual current attainment) then something is not right. The department I lead, in our results today, were exactly right or under-predicted (this is common because many students pull it out of the bag when it gets to it, having taken the wake-up call from mocks) in every single case out of 100 students. If we had a student who was several grades under their expected grade (not their target) then we would be looking at requesting the papers back to see what happened. It’s not the schools fault if he was doing no work and knew he was under-performing but if he really thought everything was going well because he was getting good grades on the reports, I think they should be sharing a lot of the blame (although I can’t see how he wouldn’t know any tests hadn’t been going well…)

I think it can be quite hard for schools to spot the kid who behaves well in class but doesn't revise.

I had a call from DD's chemistry teacher when she got a 4 in the exam at the end of the year10 saying he was going to talk to her but would be very gentle as he knew she worked hard etc etc. And I basically said "No, I know she behaves well in lessons and looks like an angel but SHE DOES NOT REVISE". He said "Ah, that's interesting" and the gentle talk turned into a lot more of a b*llocking".

After that she got a 7 in her mocks and because of COVID that was her GCSE grade.

OP my eldest was like your son, and I'm also a former teacher so feel your pain. He did get into 6th Form but had limited options on what to study so learnt a bit of a lesson there.

By contrast, my middle son has just out performed expectations at GCSE and actually worked and can study what and where he wants. I treated them both exactly the same, gave them the same opportunities and time and one took it and one didn't and all that has taught me is you can open the door but it's up to them if they walk through it. Support him now, but please don't think this is a reflection on you.

Bless you, it's not your fault!

In terms of his whole life, he's just starting out. So these exams haven't gone to plan - it really doesn't matter. There is time for him to grow up and have another go, whether resits or a college course.

You really can't force your teens. It has to come from them (trying to tell myself this as I support a reluctant ND teen through A levels).

The more you push, the more they switch off.

I suppose whether or not he has "failed" is whether or not he can still do the type of thing he wanted to do. My DS for example wants to do something extremely specific. He will need to get certain grades in certain subjects or he just won't be able to do it so anything else is a "fail" whether or not it's technically a fail or not.

My point is, if he still can I would be more sympathetic that he wishes he had better grades but it doesn't really matter as what he has is enough. However, your implication is he can't. With that in mind, all this fannying about saying he's loved and he needs a hug is a bit of a waste of time (as hopefully he knows that's a given) and in an issue specific manner you'll need to tell him to work out next steps depending on if he wants to try and get back on the old path or find a new one where he can cut his cloth with the results he's got.

Hello @Gigabell ....I was you, 13 years ago. Please don't blame yourself.

My DS was very bright, but lazy. He thought he'd ace his GCSE's with natural intelligence and charm. His results day came as a huge shock to him. I was scared to open my mouth as I feared I'd utter the awful 'I told you so'.

Like your son, my DS's school wouldn't allow him to stay on for 6th form. I asked my DS what he wanted to do next, as I thought he absolutely needed to feel responsible for his next steps....supported by rather than lead by me.

We found another local-ish secondary school with a 6th form. They wouldn't consider him for A levels, but there was a level 3 BTEC that he liked the look of, and they agreed to let him on the course.

The level 3 BTEC was a revelation (I had no idea they carried A-level equivalence) and it's certainly something neither of us thought would be a route he'd take. He got the highest grades and a place at a very highly ranked RG Uni on the exact course he wanted to do via the traditional A-level route. Then a Masters at UCL. All from a very rough GCSE results day.

Of course you're going to be upset, shed tears and shout into your pillow if you need to. Please try to think of this time as the start of an exciting new journey rather than a closed door. Allow your DS to decide where this journey will take him next. He'll screw things up many more times and it's fine, he's so very young.

It's very clear that you're a very supportive Mum. It seems so counterintuitive that we sometimes need to let our child fall then pick them up and dust them off, rather than trying to prevent the fall in the first place. Be kind to yourself.

All the best to you and your son..you'll both be fine.💐

I agree with this.
The different pathways are quite complex when you are begin looking and are unfamiliar with them - but they offer some really interesting courses and opportunities.

If you can work with him to review what the options are that would be helpful (for you both).

And then he needs to make the final decision.

I have one at an FE college. She is disabled so she's doing life skills, but they have some amazing courses and lovely staff.

OP my DS got lower than predicted last year. It’s harsh, but if he is sad he may learn. You’ll find a way through this. I have come to realize the real motivation needs to come from the child. Pushing can only ever get you so far. Once I realized the responsibility is with him, not me, I felt much more pragmatic.

I was very driven because I needed a route out of home. For some reasonably bright boys I think they struggle to get motivated if they have a v comfortable (as in stable/ needs met/ happy) home life. I see this with DC & friends. We just did our best. These are his results, NOT yours.

There will be options out there.

Some people have problems with exams, perhaps putting him on a practical technical course, plumbing, carpentry, bricklaying, etc. with the regeneration of housing stock he'll never be out of work and it's well paid.

As an ex teacher you know some children cope better with exams, some need to fail to take action and you cannot make that horse drink!

Please do t blame yourself.

You also know some need to fail to succeed.

Je has passed his maths and English. He has a 5. In the grand scheme of things he’s done ok. Just not as well as he wanted or felt he could get.

This could be the turning point for him.

Id tell him he has to be in education so to look at colleges and courses and when he’s got some ideas come back to you - give him a deadline - and you’ll support him to get going with applying.

its GCSEs - he’s 16. Don’t let this define him to allow him to let it define himself.

He’s got 50 years until he retires - plenty of time to figure out what he wants to do with his life 😂