So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

Surely a college will be able to offer him a course with those grades. My son has similar grades and he's just enrolled onto a level 3 college course. He got mostly 4s and 5s and two 3s aswell as a distinction in music. They're passing grades to be fair. What does he want to do?

Who said he didn't try? The OP. Who's in a position to know.

Excellent post.

OP, I think getting poor exam results tells you something important and valuable about your son - that he's not cut out for the sort of work where you need to sit and read stuff and do lots of exams. That's not a bad thing. Plumbers, for example, make a 6 figure salary and always have work, and I don't think that's going to change any time soon.

I pushed myself all through school, I was a procrastinater but always just scraping getting things in on time. My parents put a fair bit of pressure on me - they wanted me to be something impressive like a lawyer or a doctor or an antiques dealer or a journalist. I got straight As and A*s for my GCSEs and A-levels, went to Uni, got a 2:1.. then just had no idea what to do. I did a bunch of different office jobs, data entry, PR, local government, tried my hand at events... I found that I got bored and started procrastinating at every single one. Some people are just not cut out for very cerebral work and need something more hands-on. In the end I ended up studying paedagogy in my late 30s and I now work with children - it's not super well-paid, but I'm happy, and I don't get bored.

Electricians, builders, massage therapists, plumbers, tilers, roofers, mechanics - they all make decent enough money and there is always work available.

Your son has so many options that don't have to involve getting amazing exam results and going to uni. Find out what he wants from a workplace and job, what kind of work he thinks he realistically could do without getting stressed out, and focus on a path towards that.

TL;DR - getting great exam results doesn't guarantee an easy path to a suitable career, and getting bad ones doesn't guarantee a difficult one

Sometimes it's an undiagnosed issue like executive functioning difficulties, where they can't plan and organise.

My daughter's achievement levels were way off her potential (as measured by IQ tests) and school were at a loss with her. I got her assessed privately - it turned out she had huge memory problems, visual processing difficulties, receptive speech issues...

Did any teachers ever raise any concerns with you?

I couldn’t focus at that age at all, then tried in my early 20s to do courses but after doing so well with course work I kept failing exams. After getting a bit older and understanding my strengths I now have a first class honours degree and about to do my masters. I wouldn’t be too hard on him he could excel in college. One of my children is a plumber and he is making a mint and absolutely loves his job, everyone has a different journey in life

He will get where he's meant to be eventually , gcses are absolutely not the be all and end all.
Plenty of time for further education ,these results do not map the rest of his life.
Yes maybe a blip for now but most kids with a loving supportive family behind them end up just fine.
Praise the passes he did get but don't make him out to be a failure, his path may take on a different form but i bet you in time you'll look back on this time and know it didn't matter that much in the grand scheme of life.

If it makes you feel any better, I got a shit ton of A*s and As and nobody has ever cared and I still don't know how I'm going to afford a food shop this week.

Good advice - completely understand how you feel though as an ex-teacher - I bet you've done every approach going to those revision sessions is his likely downfall as schools give a lot of support.

The GCSE is general certificate of school education . They are not a total walk in the park and there's a lot of exams but so much support on offer in schools for the average bright child my view is the difference between a 5 and a 7 grade is usually effort .

I put in a lot of effort in ensuring my similarly minded DS got across the line for a clutch of 5's and some requisite 6 & 7s to get to sixth form as college options were just not right for a number of reasons . Year 12 has been a steep learning curve . I have made a rod for my own back and I'm trying to withdraw for the sake of our relationship - he's finally got a goal post sixth form - I'm seeing some green shoots of self discipline and motivation - seeing others drop out yr 12 A levels I think has made him realise . Maybe this is the right route - if he ended up doing a levels by the skin of his teeth - he would have been in for a shock much quicker . A lot drop out in the first term. Maybe its a case " of what's for you , wont go by you " Good luck .

I'm sure you're aware he won't be able to do level 3 courses with those results, op, and I suspect that realisation is now sinking in for him as he sees his friends make plans to go off to 6th form/6th form college.
It's a shame, and I totally understand why you are so upset.
But if he won't revise/work for level 2 courses, even with all the support made available to him, then attempting level 3 courses would be pointless.
It may simply be a maturity thing - A levels and university aren't going anywhere and sometimes kids need to see the consequences of their actions (or inaction in this case..) to mature.
I gave my dd very short shrift last year when she collected her gcse results and complained about a 4 ("well, you should have revised for it!")
I work in schools and so many pupils (boys mostly) think they can just do the bare minimum (I'll watch a youtube video, miss!) and sail through 😕
Perhaps a BTEC or T level would be more appropriate for him?
(Although it is continuous assessment which can be difficult)
The other option - as you ate so supportive - is online retakes BUT very little point of he won't work/revise.
Stay off SM, take today to regroup and have a heart to heart with your ds.
Best of luck

Why are you looking at colleges? At sixteen, he should be looking at this stuff himself so that’s probably half the problem if you just mollycoddle him all the time

My DS was disappointed this morning because he got all 8s and only two 9s… I had to talk him down because in old money, nobody would look at it this way at all, it would be straight A*s! The numbers make it seem shitter than it is imo and damage self esteem far more.

Also had to remind my DS that nobody gives a shiny fuck about GCSEs provided you pass maths and English. Literally never been asked for my GCSE results past level 3 and I have a PhD! Your GCSE results do not define you, the next steps you take do. He has options. He may struggle with exams, many do. Vocational study may be more beneficial as a result. Is he interested in anything more practical/technical/creative at all?

That’s nice to hear. My son was accepted into sixth form today based on his results, but he has said no. He has actively chosen a level 3 business diploma at college instead. His reasoning

• the college course is still equivalent to A-Levels
• it’s three days a week not five like 6th form, so he can work inbetween
• he wants a new environment and new friends
• hes just “feeling” the course more

OP - he sounds a perfect candidate for a level 3 as he’s passed maths and English. You may find it will all work out very well. It’s not just practical courses at college, our local one does level 3s in allsorts. Business, forensic science, business admin etc. Uni is still an option too with the level 3.

I thought this too OP.

And the worst aspect of this is that it is in fact a rather niche skill to be good at sitting exams! He really won't need it IRL, so it is a shame there isn't another way for such dc to be assessed.

I'm sorry you feel this way, I understand why you would and you are absolutely doing the right thing to vent in a place that keeps your relationship with him in good shape.

I just hope people don't come and get nasty.

But there will be ways forward, and I wish you every bit of good luck. Parenting isn't easy!

😂❤

As I was told as a student, "Some people are bright, but no good at exams". I am one of them... mainly because I have a terrible memory, and I get anxious around exams, being in a giant hall, and the ticking clocks are a huge distraction for me, as I have ridiculously sensitive hearing.

He can go to college, find a course level that is suitable for him and his current qualifications, re-take some GCSEs (usually English and Maths) and work his way up the levels. He might do better academically, and grade-wise, at a vocational college than in a school or sixth form.

I'm an ex teacher (11-19). Try to encourage him to see it as an opportunity. What does he actually want to do? He needs to do something, that part isn't optional, but is there a college course or a vocation or apprenticeship he's interested in, or does he want to go to college to re do some GCSEs? GCSEs can be overwhelming because there are so many exams in so many different subjects. My son did much better in A-levels than in GCSEs, and then got a 1st in Law at uni - no-one would have expected that from his GCSE results. It's worth an honest (but not emotional) conversation. He needs to figure out what he wants to do over the next few years. It doesn't have to be about what he wants from the rest of his life - that's a hell of a long time - but what does he want to do next?

I have noticed this with my daughters today. She got example got an 8 on practical but then it turned into a 5 with the exam. Anything with coursework she did well in that and then the exam let her down. But I am still a very proud mom, off for a level 2 but hopefully a she will enjoy the course, unlike school. An extra year to get there, but would we really wish for them to go into the world of work asap, nope!

Op if your son doesn't do well / get on well with exams A levels would be a difficult option even if he did meet the criteria to start.
Other courses / avenues may be so much better for him.
One of my children managed very few GCSEs , hard on him as he compared himself to his siblings who just found it all a bit easier. He went on to college to train as a barber and has had a string of ( those random awful in your twenties type ) jobs since. He is Ok, happy and healthy , just not academic.

A levels are a gateway to university. University as the next gateway much less certain and attractive these days. One of my children is at uni now, that is a worry too in a different way as the graduate job market is a joke .
He will find his way and learn from this. It will be ok .

Can you not get him a job or apprenticeship?

Funny that. My sister is a teacher and yet she asks me to revise with her kids because it just gets too intense with her and lot of falling out. She's a great teacher- just not to her own children because of her being their mum.

DS didn't pass any of his I feel like a total failure as a parent.

OP, I really sympathise with you. Been there, done that with my DS. Also taught at college and so have seen the fall out. We all want the best for our kids and so try to advise them and guide them into jobs where they will be happy and making loads of money. What do the little sods do? They ignore us. Mine was only kept on for sixth form because he had an accident just before his GCSEs and the school were sympathetic. Reality was, had he been revising he would have gotten better grades. He did abysmally in his A levels and so didn’t go to uni. 16 years later and he’s enjoying his job and his life. He will never be the CEO of a multi-national but he is loved by everyone he works with.

The college students I taught had been forced onto courses by their parents. They had little interest and put in little effort. Every now and again I see some of them and I ask what they are doing. Some of them, the ones that had a real interest, are in jobs where their college course helped. Others are working, doing things that they didn’t even know existed when they were in college.

What I’m trying to say is, they find their way. Formal education isn’t for everyone. Look at apprenticeships for manual jobs. My nephew left school barely scraping any GCSEs. He now runs a plumbing business with a turnover of £2m+.