So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

He’s passed maths and English which are the inportant ones.

as a teacher I have learnt it is impossible to tutor your own kids.

he will learn a lesson. It’s a hard lesson but it could have been worse. He almost certainly won’t be accepted into a levels but FE colleges offer a whole load of stuff he could do, most will have open days/enrollment days where he can go and talk to teachers at the college.

give him a few days to take it in and then get him to an enrolment day at the local FE college.

I understand the disappointment, OP, but it could turn out to be the making of him. He can learn from this experience.

I agree with the suggestion that you should let him put the effort into figuring out his options from here.

I don't think this should be seen as a sharp shock. Not everyone can excel in exams. Grade 4 is a pass. He passed. He's only disappointed because he's being given the impression that he's failed because he didn't get stellar grades.

He needs to be celebrated for passing and encouraged to choose his next steps. That's all.

Yes except they and he expected higher and now he’s sad. So clearly it is a shock.

OP - you haven't failed, he has. He knows that now, so there's no point in saying anything.

His lack of effort, his refusal to revise, his fuck-up. Lesson rather sharply learned.

There isn't anything you could have done differently, and it really is now down to him to decide what to do next. If he asks for your help in finding courses, fine. Don't do it for him.

Sending a hug OP as it’s tough to see your DC disappointed and worried about their future.

exams are not for everyone and he may do better on a BtEC than a-levels as they are assessed throughout the course so less pressure. Personally I wouldn’t be pushing for a-levels with those grades but other pathways (which are equally as valid!).

Consider a UTC if you have one near you. They cover the STEM subjects and have T levels too, and have lots of links with local industry so they can get apprenticeships more easily. Often the local places will ask the school to put the students forward to apply for available roles with them and they work hard to make sure the skills they learn turns them into mature adults who can thrive in work not just in classroom.

Mine really enjoyed it there.

Not everyone is great at exams. i passed enough for what i wanted but some weren’t great. Much better on course that didn’t have exams where i always got distinctions and merits.

There are other paths that he will be able to access if he got maths and english it’s really not the end of the world. He does however need to be chasing stuff himself with help from you if needed not @Gigabell doing everything for him.

Some people also need to mature a little before they find their path. Some of the most successful people in my year at school were not good in school behaviour wise or academically at the time.

I wonder whether he resisted/kicked back against all your pressure to work hard and revise? I worry about that for my own DC who is about to start year 10 as we constantly argue about their lack of effort with homework and revision and my other DC tells me to back off and let them fail if they don't put the work in.

I think the important thing to remember is that doing A levels and then onto university are not the be all and end all. Look at local colleges that offer so much more than the academic route. Several friends with very academic children are finding that their kids are leaving university unable to find any jobs and wishing they had gone straight into the workplace rather than waste years and money in education.

Yes it's disappointing for you and your son but in the grand scheme of things GCSEs do not have a huge bearing on your adult life.

We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

Did you? Or did he make unwise choices in spite of your encouragement.

He needs to find a tech college where he can do some retakes next year.

Honestly - I would have a come to jesus talk

Either he is capable... in which case i'd offer to pay for him to take a year and resit but be VERY clear its last chance saloon

Or this is his best effort... he isnt academic and id get him into a trade.

What i would not do is let him drift / work it out himself... he clearly cant. If you just continue drifting you'll have a smelly 36 yo baby knocking around your home at all hours in 20 yrs

Lots of vocational courses around at level 3 with those results, or if not then level 2.
Hopefully between you you did some research on non A level options.
Computing, business, plumbing, sports, etc etc etc.

He will be able to do a level 2 vocational subject. There's loads to choose from.
This is the wake up call he needed.

Sixth form isn't the be all and end all. I used to teach in fe. Once he gets there and settles in he will have a great time.

I'd look into btec options at college assignment based rather than exams

He can take level 2 btec which may suit him better due to continuous assessment. From that it’s level 3, equivalent to a level. Basically one extra year but tents to be tertiary college that offers them

If he’s not academic then there’s no point pushing him. Let him look at college courses and see if anything interests him. There are options out there, it’s not the end of the world.

There will be other options open to your son at college but I think it’s important you let him
lean into his disappointment here. This is going to be a very important lesson to him going forward so don’t rush to make it alright. In order for him to do well he is going to have to make the effort, he didn’t and this is the result and he’s got to realise it. Take him to your local sixth form college and see what his options are and go from there.

What has his reaction been?
DS did not acquit himself well in A Levels last year. He was very shaken, having not had to work particularly hard to do well until that point. Mocks, pep talks, good cop bad cop from me and DH did not work-but the awful moment of the results and the real consequences to his aspirations did. He resat this year (his choice entirely) and did very well. Watching them endure disappointment is so hard but sometimes it’s the only thing that gets through.
Good luck to you both.

Yes, this is what you need to hold on to. Stay calm, and help him work out what he can actually do this coming year - probably BTec level 2, with Level 3 a year or so later.

He needs to feel some sadness or embarrassment if he has genuinely done little work and ignored advice, but all the ‘we told you sos’ in the world will not achieve what his own self- realisation will - in time, if not now.

If he put more work in than you realise and something went wrong, it went wrong across the board by the sound of it, so there are problems with his exam technique, rather than him struggling with a couple of subjects. If so, trying to get him admitted to A level courses will not help him at all.

Hopefully he will find something he can do this coming year. You might need to make him realise that he has to do something though. I know parents who found out that their 16 year olds did not seem to realise this and intended to doss around until someone else organised something for them that they really wanted to do.

This is my day today - child didn’t revise for mocks, failed everything, poor results but some passes. Grades not high enough to do what they wanted at 6th form, now scrabbling to find somewhere.

You haven’t messed up. As a mum of two: one who barely scrapped any GCSEs (despite 5/6 predictions in most) and one who got 8/9s and three A*s at A level - I gave one all the study tools, helped set out a revision timetable (we did it together but was largely ignored), printed reams of past papers, tutors…all for nought. The other one I didn’t have to do a thing as self disciplined and motivated.
My son never planned on doing A levels - he recognised himself it wasn’t for him and had by start of Y11 planned to go to a vocational college (unfortunately during Covid years, but that’s another story).

I have been through this.
Honestly, take the emotion out of it.
He did what he did. It might even have been his best given the circumstances.
On to College. Get him to go and see his options. Then it's over to him

I would ask the school why they predicted his grades as they did ? Given he would have shown little sign of effort.

I was like your son. Then the best teacher I have ever had simply said to me after a mock exam ‘you will fail’ whilst handing my papers back to me. I replied back it would be alright. He just looked at me and said ‘ not on the basis of that result, no, you will fail’.

I don’t know what it was but the lack of hand wringing, no lecture, no trying to understand etc. He just said what was true. Without frills. And showed that it wasn’t something he was going to angst over either. It was what I needed.

I remember walking home thinking I need to do some work. And work I did. I somehow passed my old fashioned ‘O levels and got a B in his particular subject. I doubt I would have were it not for that one remark.

Sometimes less is more.

I would though ask the school for an explanation about his expected grades.
Something I am thankful we never had in my day.

Maybe you’re helping him too much OP? Have you tried just saying something like, “it’s your life and if you want to have money to buy nice things and go places you have to work hard now and pass these exams with good grades. We’ve done everything we can to help you and if you ask us we will help, but right now we’re going to leave you to your own devices - you can do it your way.”

maybe taking responsibility for his own life will help him? My parents didn’t help a jot with my GCSEs or Alevels unless I specifically asked them (and then they said they’d forgotten it all and were a bit useless tbh!) and I had to put the effort in myself.

he has to do it someday!

Hopefully amongst all of the disappointment you’ve given him a huge hug and pointed out how much he is loved and that GCSEs don’t define character or how wonderful a boy he is