So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

This is not your failure. This is the consequences of your son’s choices. Maybe he was doing it a bit deliberately like a Pp said so he could prove to himself whether you do love him unconditionally or whether you just wanted to shape him into a mini you/DH/whatever you wanted him to be. Now, it’s time to face the consequences. Could he resit? If not, then something vocational by the sounds of it.

But, I would treat this by being matter of fact: you are a bright boy. You were capable of getting higher grades, but you didn’t put the work in that would have been required, so here you are. Try and take any disappointment or judgement or feeling of failure or responsibility on your own part out of it. It’s not your life to be disappointed about. Of course you want the best for him, but you have to let go a bit I think. It’s not his job to live up to you or what you want for him. And it isn’t really your failure (or success) either way.

I think it’s right for you to support him with his next choices. Does he want to re take some GCSEs to give himself a 2nd chance and open up more opportunities? I know someone else mentioned doing better in A’levels than GCSEs. I know someone who did amazingly well in their A’levels after shockingly bad GSCEs as in scraping through with some big negotiations with the school to allow him to do A’levels. but the narrower focus with greater depth just suited him better.

It’s not the end of his chosen path but he will have needed to learn from this.

Shouldn’t he should be looking into options? The grades are natural consequences to the effort put in. If he’s being rescued all the time, he never gets the chance to develop drive, determination, and resilience.
It’s a tough lesson, but one that can serve him well for life if he learns from it.

As I'm sure you know you can give a child every opportunity in the world, but you can't make them work, or be in the exam room with them. Maybe his best option would be to do resits over the next year,hopefully this will have given him a fright

It’s hard to decouple your emotions from this…but honestly GCSE’s are a paper sift to whatever comes next. Many people aren’t good at exams and it isn’t a reflection on intelligence or competency/ability in progressing in an actual job.

Tackle it one step at a time and try not to consider the worst. Life goes on. If you had pushed him and he scraped by to alevels you would have just been prolonging the inevitable. Academics may simply not be for him. Better to ‘fail’ and course correct now than in a few years time.

Kindly, your posts are all about you and how you feel you’re failed - what about your son’s outlook? Let him take the lead here otherwise you aren’t learning from your current scenario. You can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink, as you’ve said. Maybe not do that twice?

Some kids just find the exam environment hard, my daughter was like this, predicted 6’s, 7’s and a few 8’s during year 11, but her grades went down with each set of mocks and got mostly 4’s and 5’s in the real thing, BUT she got onto a course to do an extended diploma where they do coursework type assessments every term and she’s acing it. The way of working and the way they are assessed is much better suited to her, and she loves it, so don’t despair, it sounds like you have created a good environment for him and he has actually passed many subjects so he will have options, even if they are not what he expected.
Good luck OP.

Awful language here: 'pushing', 'failure', 'feeling terrible', 'kick in the teeth' - quite toxic, really.

How does he feel about his results? Is he open to resists? You can encourage and be supportive, but you can't make someone motivated; the lesson was his to learn.

Also, if exam nerves have anything to do with it, he'll go into resits better prepared and will have time to try and address performance anxiety (can't imagine why he might have that!).

I have seen a lot worse, yes it sounds he could have done better but he has passed and has options. Best bet is see if you can get that extra 5 for the other 6th form or look at BTEC courses, you can still use BTECs for Uni. It will be a lesson learned for him, however he needs now to action his lesson and not sit and mope.

it sounds like you have done a lot for him and he hasn’t used those opportunities, Insee it with mine, we try and give them what we didn’t have, but I wonder in all this if our drive came from not having these opportunities. Crazy but possibly true. I wonder if he needs to learn to be independent to find his own way a little more. Good luck, all I can say is try to be positive with him and be clear with some options.

My parents had no involvement in my O Levels at all and I’m pretty sure that was the norm. When did this all change and does it actually help the children in the long run to take responsibility for their own lives?

Well he didn’t do the work and this is what happens. It’s a valuable life lesson. You pushed as hard as you could and encouraged as much as possible.

Well let him sort it out himself. He sounds lazy and you’ve given him all the chances in the world.

If he misses the boat he’ll end up having to get a job for a year until he sorts it out. A reality check of what life might be like could be good for him.

OP, I am not saying this is the case with your ds and other posters have already alluded to it. With my son, it was ADHD. He is miles better on medication and it saved his A levels and enabled him to go to university.

It was the same story exam-after-exam. His teachers said he would do well, he was doing well in tests. But would bomb in year end exams, including his mocks and GCSE. He never had a credible explanation. Truth it, he wasn't revising for his exams because he could not focus. He would pretend he was revising and would make notes to show me (because I asked to see them) but the minute his door was closed, he would lie on his bed and do nothing for days, weeks that I thought he was studying. He could do well in tests from sheer memory but when it came to revising a lot of content taught over the course of a year or two years, he could not remember enough to do well. He wasn't going blank or nervous or anxious, he just did not revise because his condition prevented him from revising and so he could not answer the questions.

He finally came clean about not revising about 8 weeks before his A levels. And that is when we got him tested for ADHD and it was a revelation and relief to all of us. He got extra time and the use of a keyboard too.

If you can afford it, go private. It cost us 800 pounds for the diagnosis.

OP, what A levels was he hoping to take? What grades did he get in those particular gcses?

I find it odd that the school was predicting 7s, then shrugged their shoulders when he didn't get 7s. That's simply not good enough. Schools have to submit predicted grades to the exam boards. These are submitted around about February, usually based on mock results. Either the predicted grades were wrong or the exams need a re- mark. I would be interviewing the staff concerned.

For those who blithely say he can do retakes, it's not that easy.
When i was in the 6th form, we had some students who were repeating a whole o level year. We had others who did some November retakes.
I did one November retake, which I passed, easily. I did a one year o level in a completely new subject. I also did A levels.

He is unable to stay on in 6th form. I don't know if schools still do a repeat year. I don't hear of it now.

He has ticked the box for English and maths. College will not be interested in someone who just wants to improve their grade. You may have to pay to retake a qualification which he already has. He will be bored. Most colleges do gcse science. I have not met one that does history, geography, languages or computer studies retakes.

I think your best bet is to sit down and discuss btec and other options. What A levels was he planning on taking? He may possibly be able to take a btec in those subjects. Id also like to say that uni isn't the be all and end all either.

What a scam

Mine neither! In fact neither of them showed any interest in my O levels and when they arrived in the post I called dm to tell her my results she just told me I wasn't that clever as I got a D in German. She didn't say anything about my other 11 O level passes most at A or B! I retook the German in the November without any more lessons and got a C.

OP…I totally understand why you feel disappointed. My son also got his GCSE results today and they were ok (4 6s, 3 5s, 2 4s) however unlikely to be a true reflection of his capability. I have offered him tutoring support (paid, and free (grandad was a maths teacher and one of his aunties is a science teacher - both willing)) however he refused point blank.
He performs well in lessons however hates school due to severe bullying in y9 where he ended up missing at least a quarter of the school year.
Last year, he made the decision to to join the army and go to AFC Harrogate to start training as a paratrooper in September. I couldn’t be prouder that he did his research and made the decision himself to do something different. He has been motivated and navigated the recruitment process on his own. The difference to his approach to school is massive so while it’s disappointing he didn’t try harder, he has made the choices himself.

if I were you, I’d discount a levels altogether. To have a chance of doing well in any a level subject, students really need a 7 (or very high B) plus a 5 in English language/literature. He could do resits, but with the vast amount of other options available it’s probably not worth it. 4s in maths and English language mean that higher education is open to him.

You mentioned T level courses and not knowing much about them. T levels are a great alternative to A levels. They are more vocational and include industry placements. The one I know most about is Design, Planning and Surveying which is essentially a construction careers programme leading to lots of different roles such as civil engineer, construction manager, quantity surveyor and loads more.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself and support your son to research and decide what he wants to do. A levels are not the only option these days. A vocational qualification is probably more suited to your son.

Good luck to you both!

I did show interest on my 4dc's gcses and bought any additional things they thought would help them but made it clear it was their life and their results. They all did well.

I got 8 As and a B in German. Maybe they were too tough on the grades for German! Is it too late to get it remarked?

That sounds like a sensible approach and better for them than you taking responsibility for pushing them along

My niece didn't get the grades for a levels/sixth form 2 years ago and has since thrived at college. She's independent and made lots of friends.

I did well in gcses aside from having to retake maths. I got es at a level (basically failed) and now I work in marketing, having worked in clothing sales and marketing, travelled to London, Paris and LA and then moved into working in marketing for arts and events. I get paid well and Im happy. My parents are/were proud. Gcses really mean nothing. Its what happens next that counts.

He might need to do retakes if he finds something he wants to do vocational visa college or an apprenticeship.
He needs to find something hes interested in and show some passion.

Focus on the future and the what next and not the fact he didn't do well. Some people (like my niece) don't do well in exams. Your son is not you or your husband.

Maybe it's the wake up call he needs OP. Until they experience the true reality fo life, all his parents have ever said to him, he could just pretend it wasn't true and he knew better...

But now he understands - life isn't what you hope it will be because you 'will' it into being. It keeps unfolding and you have to work for whatever you want.

He knows now what you said is true.

He must decide the next step. That's crucial. Let him take ownership and let him lead. He needs to grow up and perhaps that's what this sad day is teaching him.

4’s are a standard pass, C in old money. I would be proud of him regardless. I don’t think GCSEs or any examination defines who we actually are and the pressure from Year 10 through to sitting exams is heavy and relentless. These are kids, they all grow and mature at different rates. It’s an outdated system. There are plenty of options available, speak to 6th forms or other further education establishments. You can make appointments with careers advisors. This isn’t a brick wall, it’s a hump in the road.
As parents we can only do so much. They’ve seen and heard it all before of course and their mates know more than we parents do. They have to figure it out for themselves whilst we hover and guide. Sometimes they need to fail in order to succeed. I know now as an adult with kids of my own just how bang on the money my parents were when I was a kid and I never listened either. Give as much support as you can. My sister didn’t get the grades she needed and had to do resits at 6th form. She also didn’t get in the uni she desperately wanted to go to because her grades didn’t quite hit the mark. She went elsewhere, got her teaching degree and has never looked back. It was the best thing that could have happened to her.

I did the same. I have said it's your life, your choice. If you're flipping burgers when you're 20-something don't blame me. That was because you didn't work.

I've explained to them that if they want a nice life, they have to develop skills. Anyone can learn to sweep a brush and become a cleaner or ride a motorbike and be a deliveroo rider. These are low barrier entry jobs, you don't need any academic skills and everyone can do them, that's why they are low-paid.

For the best paid jobs, you need some kind of valuable skill or knowledge or expereince no one else has... and you get that by... studying!

Unpopular opinion?
i would be supporting him researching options and guiding him through this.