So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

@Gigabell I’m another one anticipating being in a similar position soon having been myself a very motivated high achiever from a household where I was the first to even be in school post 15. I now have a son on a ‘flight path’ lower than your sons grades.

I am also an older mum so have watched relatives, friends, colleagues navigate this situation. My take main take out is to look for alternatives to A levels and consider swerving the degree (any place, any subject) pathway unless it is a subject they are passionate about or connected to apprenticeship. where I live this breaks my heart a bit as there isn’t even a college in our area so it’s a pain in the bum all round to not follow the gcse, a level, uni route. I think it’s also hard if they don’t have a clear idea of what route they want to follow as btec being more applied seems to need them to be clearer on what they want to do where as A levels enable career options to be kept more open.

I think a real challenge is not knowing whether he has genuinely achieved his potential. The predicted grades suggest not and I can see that must be frustrating. I always think it is easier to ‘fail’ (and remember this isn’t a failure as such) A levels and resit then to fail gcse and resit that year. Again, where I live, you could resit A level but you can’t repeat year 11 and, moving to college, the options are only to resit maths and English.

I hope things work out for you - if it’s any comfort, I went all the way to Oxbridge and, though I don’t regret a thing, there are people I went to school with who lap me in earnings and career trajectory!

@Gigabell

Go easy on yourself, sometimes nothing is the ‘right’ thing and these young people just need to find their own way.

My experience is different to yours and I also feel guilty. DS achieved fantastic grades at GCSE, 11 8/9’s, continued at his grammar school sixth form - and left mid second year of A levels. What a waste, but he wanted a different path, took the first low level apprenticeship he could fin and left school.

I feel guilty that as a headteacher, I was so wrapped up in school, other peoples children, OFSTED, standards, that I didn’t notice his decision making, until it was too late.
(8 years later he earns nearly the same as I do…perhaps it is me that needs to think again…😉)

We can only try our best, as can they.

Sorry to hear this is stressful. The GCSEs are a stepping stone to the next stage. There are still different options available for the future as he matures, develops different skills etc. His current school should be helping you with options for what to do next. Colleges are well used to taking on students who didn't get the grades they hoped for. I would look at the courses and entrance requirements for all institutions that are logistically workable as their offers can be quite variable. Some schools as well as colleges may offer different pathways.

The school should be guiding him to FE college or training providers that do take people with his grades. They're not diabolical. I know plenty of people who got worse and are successful adults.

He needs to do something he's actually interested in. And nobody can be blamed for his failure but himself unless he has learning or MH issues that impeded his academic progress.

But some people just don't perform well in exams. You can get qualified without doing exams in the traditional sense.

Oh gosh I really feel for you. I do get what you mean about trying to do better than your own parents did and then being baffled that the results you think should follow, do not!

My brother was a bit like this - he comes across as very intelligent, he's a great conversationalist, well read, cultured, but he never got good grades and I remember my parents being disappointed on the results days. It was a bit confusing why, it's like he can talk a good game but not write it down. It took him a while to find his way but he ended working in trades and now is successful and well-paid.

There truly are many paths in life. Doesn't Jeremy Clarkson always enjoy reminding us that he got Us or similar.

I haven't read the full thread, but don't let him do ALevels with those grades. He will be much better off with a vocational qualification, so I would be looking at places (probably colleges) that offer those.

Fond more assessment based courses. He'll be fine.

I really feel for you OP, your post really resonated with me as I am sure it will for many of us.

It's a pattern I've experienced myself as have many of my friends - 70s/80s children who were self-starters and did well academically, despite lackluster schools and hands-off parenting, are struggling to know how best to parent teens who are capable enough but seems to lack the motivation that we did, despite having much more support.

Like you I have done plenty of agonising over what I have or haven't done right, but I think there are a lot of wider societal factors at play too. Both parenting and childhood are very, very different to even a generation ago. Try not to beat yourself up, it sounds like you have done your best with the knowledge you had, which is all any of us can do.

You can’t blame your parents for everything

Perhaps a more fitting adage is "you can't hammer a square peg into a round hole"?

So sorry to hear this. I was fully prepared for 4's and 5's The options I found are T levels at college (which look really interesting and hands on work experience) or if he wants to go to university, retakes (local college or private 6th form college).

It sounds like a fresh start might be good for him. He needs to decides what he wants to do next. Give him the options

Let him decide. Don't be too judgemental. He probably gets it now. You may find that he lacks self esteem and fears failure, so never tries. Or he is a chronic procrastinator. (Tim Urban's talk on procrastination is very funny take on it). Both of these very fixable and can be made into the kind of lessons learned you can use in job interviews.

@malware You can go to university with T levels or BTECs. You may be more limited in choice of courses (eg History or Maths would be ruled out), but you can definitely go.

It could be a blessing in disguise OP - if GCSEs were tough then A levels would have been 2 years of hell for you all!

There are so many vocational courses he could go for. Today is for letting it sink in, tomorrow he can start thinking about what he enjoys

Apprenticeship is another option - earn while you learn
One of dd’s friends did this and 4 years on has a great job in building

My ds failed more spectacularly than yours, only getting 2 passes and losing the engineering apprenticeship he had got
He joined the army foundation collage, passed his English level 2, got an ICT qualification, bronze DofE and is about to start phase 2 training. Loving it, and gets paid very well too!

There will be a path for your Ds I am sure - hope he finds something that suits him perfectly

If he doesn’t like exams I would be wary of pushing him through an exam heavy course, even if it is vocational as presumably he will be encouraged to do resits in English and Maths to secure a 5. He needs to speak to colleges and find out what is available. Level 2 courses may be recommended rather than straight onto a Level 3. It’s not what you want but you will be surprised how many young people go to college at this level. He will not be on his own. Good luck with everything.

You sound like you are blaming both yourself and DS - why? I have a ds myself who will sit GCSEs this coming yr, have a dd who is starting uni. Some children (not going to be sexist and say boys but well...) are just easygoing, or eternal optimists, when it comes to school exams. They just feel it will be alright on the day. If you apply any pressure, they'll dig their hooves in. My ds gets high predicted grades but if he gets the odd low predicted grade and we question it, he shrugs his shoulders whereas it would send our dd into a panic and she would double down on revision. I would let your ds take the reigns on the next step if he can - give him some autonomy and accountability.

I agree that further education colleges with more vocational offerings are the best next step. Level 2 will be one option, but even some Level 3s only need 5 gcse at grade 4 or above (college and subject dependent).

I disagree with others that just leaving him to it is the answer. I am sure he feels pretty low, possibly the lowest he has ever felt depending in what his life has been like, and if at that low point he doesnt get support im not sure thats a great lesson to learn. Its ok to help people who fuck up. The punishment is worse grades. He will have learned the lesson that effort is needed regardless of if you help or not and he'll know you are disappointed even if you help.

My parents were like yours Op, therefore I am unapologetic in saying I put pressure on my DC 's. I would accept a lack of brains, but not a lack of effort or application. Refusing to revise weak areas was also not an option. If anything I think you didn't push enough.

I was always bright and alert in class, but absolutely crap at exams. I spent hours over my work and revision and got stale. I just couldn’t handle exams, didn’t understand them. I got a disastrous result at A levels, got 1:1 coaching and an A on the retake. Didn’t do well at all in exams after that - no 1:1- but throughout my life people always told me I was “bright” and didn’t believe me about my results.

I very much hesitate to say this in the current climate, but at a very late age, I was diagnosed with ADHD.

Maybe you and your husband have been too supportive!
Lots of practical and emotional support and lots of extra curricular activities to the point where perhaps he feels that he doesn't need to try too hard because if he fails you and your DH will be there to pick up the pieces and look after him.
Perhaps he needs to feel the pain of having failed by not putting the work in and not accepting the help offered by you and your DH and perhaps he needs to understand that there are consequences to not studying hard.
What ambitions, if any, does he have?
Perhaps some shadowing in an employment that he is interested in might light a fire under him and get him working?
He needs to understand that no one can do the exams for him and if he fails, he's on his own in the sense that many doors will be closed to him.
I think you may be too concerned about hurting his feelings when perhaps you need to forget about that and some straight talking is needed here.
When I was in junior school, I didn't study. I used to do my homework in the bus on the way home from school or when the ads were on TV. I then remember my mother coming home from a parent teacher evening in tears saying that the teacher said that I would never amount to much. This hit hard because my late sister was severely mentally and physically disabled.
This was the kick in the backside I needed and I remember thinking "I'll show that teacher!". From then on I took school seriously (not too seriously after I discovered boys but seriously enough) and later qualified as a barrister.
Sometimes some of us need a bit of straight talking and a reality check to really motivate us!

What does he want to do. These are his results to own. I am sorry to sound harsh but you say he didnt do revision etc. What did he expect to have happen?

What about BTEC's? What was his plan? To stay on and do A Levels?

God, GCSE grades seem to have become so much harder to achieve over the last 15-10 years. I really feel for the teens of today.

Back in 2010’s I got 5 Cs and 4 Ds and still was able to take A-levels (I even went to uni!). Sounds like I got similar results to your son. I really struggled with exams, coursework was fine, but I really struggle to retain information and get it all out under a time limit.

I hope your son is alright OP. You haven’t failed him. And he hasn’t failed himself. I hope he is able to achieve whatever he wants in life, there’s so much more to life than results.

He didn't put the work in!

With those grades, completely forget about A-levels, even if he could scrape a couple of them up to a 5 with a re-mark, it's not really good enough to get good A-levels - he'll just waste 2 years of his life.
However, those are brilliant grades for a whole host of vocational college courses eg. The trades, car mechanic, business, hairdressing, childcare, art, whatever he wants. He just needs to contact his local college and decide what to do. Or look for an apprenticeship.

He didn’t revise!!! So they’d probably have also been hard for him 10-15 years ago with that lack of revision

One word stands out - arguing. Why? Arguing with your y11 is your first mistake.
Tell him your proud and you love him. He can do a amazing college course.
My son achieved mucb better than I thought, ivd never pushed or argued.
Back off and show him love and support.