So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

It isn’t the end of the world, can you look at local colleges, get him to see what courses he might be interested in and start applying. Unfortunately it’s a good learning lesson for him, they’re often used to a safety net being there for him but this time it was up to him so he’s found out what happens when you put little effort in. Hopefully he will find a course he wants to do and put some effort in but he may not, some people are just not good at this exams/formal learning but they don’t necessarily fail in life.

How many did he get overall? If he has passed maths and and English and has at least 5 passes overall there are loads of options for him at college. If he hasn’t been that motivated at school, maybe the change in environment would be good for him?

Not everyone is academic and your children are not an extension of you. GCSEs are a hard slog - please tell him you are proud of him and support him in his next steps.

Hi op, sorry your son didn’t do as well as expected. I know what you mean about blaming yourself. My DS got similar results to yours. He went in to college to do a level 2 btec, followed b6 a level 3. He’s 25 now and has a good job and is earning 35k. Just thought it might helped to hear that poor GCSE’s aren’t the end of the world.

First things first - with these results can he stay on for sixth form / can he still get into sixth form college and do the A level / Btec courses he’d chosen? eg my son needed a minimum 7 for each a level subject

Have you ever considered exams may be his issue ? My son loses it doing the actual exams, beforehand no issues but stress of actual exams makes him lose it. School have actully said if he could do oral exams he’d be amazing but sit him in a room with an exam script and he just goes blank.

Sorry I see you said things are up in the air re next steps. But that’s all that matters at the moment, please don’t blame yourself. My son kicked himself a year into a levels when he was doing ucas that he hadn’t worked harder doe gcse but it spurred him on to work harder at the next level.

his own realisation was far more effective than anything I could have said to him.

Not the end of the world OP. Has he got maths and English at 4 or above? My DD didn't do very well in GCSEs only got 4 grade 4 and above but luckily 2 of those were in maths and english. She is now absolutely nailing a BTEC which is assessment rather than exam based.

Some people are just not great at exams.

Is there an option for resits at a college ?
His disappointing results may give him the kick up the arse that he needs to some put effort into his studies .

My DS was very lucky in that he was COVID GCSEs, otherwise he would have got similar.
Pretty sure he has ADHD - at least, he cannot organise his work. He thrived in a modern uni doing his passion, got a first - we chose a course with no exams!

The thing is, you can't make them care. They have to find their own motivation. Learning to fail and pick yourself up is one of the most important lessons of all.

His school sixth form won't even consider him with those grades. There is another sixth form locally but he needs two grade 5s to get in. We have an appointment with them tomorrow to discuss but he doesn't even have the grades to do the subjects he wanted so not sure if there is even a point there.

He is a living example of "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink". I feel like I want to say "well I told you so" but obviously I know that won't help.

I'm looking at colleges and more vocational options. It's just such a horrible stressful day.

Op, do you think that your ds suffers from exam anxiety or is it that he just didn’t put the effort in at all ?

Yes, he got 4s in maths and English - thankfully! His head of maths is reviewing his maths papers as he was very close to a 5 so we will see what happens there.

I'm sorry OP, it's so frustrating when they refuse to try. My DS did very well in his GCSEs but not as well as he could have done if he'd put in the effort. It came as a bit of a shock to him I think and was a lesson he needed. Better now than at the next stage when the stakes are higher.

For today, what did he want to do if everything had gone to plan? If sixth form, presumably he didn't get the marks to stay at his current school. Is there a sixth form college locally? If so, get him down there ASAP this afternoon to talk through options available to him with the admissions team. If that's a no-go, next stop is the admissions team at a local technical college. Technical options will still get him to uni if he wants to go and it sounds like he might well excel in an environment without exams.

The most important thing is for him to get down to the colleges today or tomorrow at the latest and spend time with the admissions teams. Routes will open up to him that he may not have considered previously. Don't let him drift.

I think he always thought he would just be fine. So there was never any effort. If he struggled with a maths concept for example, he would not practice it. If we said "here are some practice questions to do" he would complain and refuse to do them. Dh is really good at maths and would try to help but ds would switch off and it would end in an argument.

I have pointed out to ds previously that his handwriting at year 6 was miles better than his current handwriting through sheer lack of care and effort. If he used to be able to do it, why not now?

The biggest kicker for me is that I used to be a teacher myself. I cant even get my own kid to do well.

Don’t be tempted to swoop in and rescue him by handing him his next steps on a plate, This could be a great learning exercise for him if he has to overcome the problem. Get him on the college website looking at courses.

Your own kid is the hardest to tutor, they won’t be told!

You couldn’t do it for him, these results are all his own and he’ll learn from this. It’s not a total disaster if there are some 4s and a 5. Contact local colleges and see what they can offer, there will be something.

Also, I’ve just been looking at my subject grades (secondary head of department) and the grade boundaries towards the middle/lower end are significantly higher this year. Last year 108 would have got you a grade 4, this year you needed 123 (out of 256). Much smaller and creases at the top end. Nationally it’s being reported that the pass rate has dropped and I’m not surprised with this kind of increase in the grade 4 boundary.

Have you considered he may have exam nerves?

Pushing him harder won't help, it'll make it worse.

One of my DS' friends had real exam trouble due to nerves. They are a bright hard worker. Luckily for them they had supportive parents, got into a mostly coursework degree, and have a fantastic career.

With respect I wonder if he’s picked up on sub conscious pressure from you over the years. You clearly feel like you’ve given him lots of opportunities and you and your husband were clever so there’s no reason for him to fail.

I grew up with similar vibes from parents, I felt like a failure and switched off to all offers of “help” to “fulfill my potential”. Their well meaning “support” actually did the opposite.

You need to try and salvage this with your son she doesn’t completely disengage from further qualifications etc. Support him to find suitable next steps, that might mean something lower level and more practical than your vision of what he should do next. If he’s not cut out for a levels that doesn’t matter. Spend time boosting him up and find out what he finds interesting and go with that even if it’s a level 2.

He passed! Honestly, he passed. He's done well. I have two who are academically able but their SEN means they can't do as well as they may do otherwise. One has just passed 2 GCSEs and will take others next year. One has no GCSEs but is starting her animal care course at level 1.

He will be able to do level 2 Vocational courses, or even level 3.

Support him to find out what he really wants - not what you want. He doesn't have to have all the answers now.

As he’s passed English and Maths and has a few other 4s and a 5 he should be able to do a L3 BTEC Extended Diploma. This is a 2 year course and is completely equivalent to 3 A levels with corresponding UCAS points. If he can’t do L3 this year he can do L2 (one year) and then L3 (two year). There is full funding g for up to L3 for 3 years. Exams aren’t for everyone and BTECs are a long standing, trusted and accepted route to university or work.

This is what I am worried about though. I never had any support - my own parents never even finished school and never sat any exams. They never even went to parents evenings for me.

I didn't want that for my son so I have done what I think is right and been supportive and interested and provided the opportunities. I have tried to cater for him as an individual and not pressure him into being like me but I've still messed it all up.

I agree with this. My DC2 passed 5 GCSES which frankly we were amazed at but it was obvious that A’Levels and Uni wasn’t for them. They have though sorted everything out themselves and ended up doing a vocational course and they now have the job they want, working hard and enjoying having their own money.

This is not the end but it is a different path to the one you probably want for him. I’d try and leave it for today and then talk to him about what his plans are whilst making it plain that staying at home isn’t one of the options.

Agree. Ds2 Didn't do well in GCSEs. He stayed on to do Btecs. Got a 2:1 in Business Management at uni and is now a product manager in the City.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. You did your job now it’s time for him to have the sharp shock and hopefully grow from it into a more successful adult for the result.