So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

That's ridiculous! You haven't messed anything up!
He has messed up by not studying for his exams!
You are crazy to blame yourself especially when you have afforded him every opportunity.
Short of doing the friggin' exams for him, there's nothing more you could have done. He needs to own this not you! Really!

and it feels like he just doesn't care.
yet you say he is sad, is he sad because you are disappointed or is he sas he didn't get the grades to do Levels?

As a college lecturer who used to pick up kids like him, dust them down and get them thinking about being engaged again, do his next teacher, boss etc a favour

Let him stew in it

Let him ponder whether ir notice was lazy, incapable or somehow scared to actually try in case he failed

Let him look at his options

Guide him with an extremely light touch but tell him firmly that his next step is a) not staying at home sulking and pretending something will magically happen b) must be something that is productive, earning a wage or furthering his academic progression

His childhood just stopped. Do him the favour of letting him see that as his reality

In my experience the kids who wake up and realise that yes, they did fuck up and the world doesn't care why, if it cares at all, are the ones that find themselves best positioned to get the next step right

Oh and no... it isn't something you did

And if it was it's done now, don't repeat it

This!

Sorry for himself because it’s all a bit of a hassle now

He needs to feel sad about this.

In your own words, he wouldn't be told. These results are a consequence of him not taking advantage of everything in front of him.

This is a learning moment for a young man. Personally, I would as a parent acknowledge his feelings, be there as support but do not blame yourself.

This is on him.

I was where you were a few years ago. His own school wouldn’t accept him for 6th form but we found one that did as he was adamant he didn’t want to go to college. The head was online when we emailed and accepted him that night.
Still not much effort put in and barely scraped passes on 2 A levels (dropped a 3rd which we had to pay to do).

BUT, we are now out the other side with a 2:1 degree. Transpires he excelled in the subject he was interested in. Uni was actually the making of him.

Cant find a graduate job but he works in a supermarket job that he’s had since 6th form (ported to uni city and then back again). But that’s another thread.

Hang in there, although it all seems desperate at the moment there’s always a way out to move on.

Could your son be neurodivergent at all? I am and I did well in my GCSEs years ago but a friend’s daughter falls to pieces with the stress and pressure and just can’t cope with it. Sounds like he’s perfectly capable of having done better but something stopped him from taking it seriously, revising etc. I must say the reason I did well is that I wasn’t predicted to do as well as I thought I would so it scared me into revising more tbh.

Google the two nearest colleges and look up the subjects he wants to do?
Colleges have loads of courses with maths and English there will be lots of choices.
At least he won’t have to resit.

Its just a piece of paper. I got one o level and had a professional career for 23 years.
There are many routes college appretice ship. Its not the end just the start of a different route

do you have kids?

This was me with my DD two years ago. Her sixth form wouldn't accept her and school were so unhelpful. Let me tell you, it was the best thing that ever happened for her. She decided to do a vocational course and she enjoyed it so much that she really didn't want to leave this year. It has been the making of her. Her confidence has rocketed, she's made some really lovely friends and is so much happier in herself.
So although it feels like the end of the world right now, it really isn't. GCSEs are just a small part of our lives.

I agree with this.

Ask him what his plan is next. Tell him you’ll support him in what his plan is and help him to get there. That’s all that’s needed. None of this is about what the parents want.

If he struggles with exams he's probably better suited to a vocational course anyway. Maybe these results were exactly what he needed to succeed rather than flop trying to do A-Levels.
Maybe use this experience as a learning one, the pushing hasn't worked. Lay off a bit for FE.

It has probably been suggested already, but see if the local FE college has places on any vocational courses he might be interested in. Probably best not to pursue A levels given the GCSE grades, even if accepted he might struggle.

Why does this matter? Are you suggesting all parents would be disappointed in this situation?

This. my DD was a COVID GCSE child and got good passes in all of them but would have fallen apart in the exams and probably done very badly. struggled through A levels and then spent a year doing nothing in her room. 6 years from those GCSE's she has found her passion and just finished 1st year a Uni on a Primary education degree to become a teacher. Managed to get 1st's in all but one of her first year results. There is hope, but they have to want to achieve it for themselves.

I'm a former secondary and FE teacher. You'll struggle to find a sixth form that would take him. A Levels are Level 3 qualifications, so students need to prove they are capable of that, which a few good Level 2 passes would prove - when I taught A Level, to do my essay subject, they required a 6 in English Language, plus 4 other GCSE Level 2 passes.

There might be options at an FE college, but he won't be able to go straight into a Level 3 course (same reason as A Level). Some colleges might allow a Level 2 course, some colleges/courses might insist on starting at Level 1 with the aim of moving up to Level 2 and Level 3. This is because some vocational courses are so different than anything he'll have ever studied before, so insist on a Level 1 start (unless their GCSEs suggest they're extremely capable). Hope that makes sense.

It is probably going to add a year to his education, as well as a need to resit maths/English until he's 18 or passes, it he doesn't have a Level 2 pass in those (which is a good idea because it's such a common ask in job applications).

If he still wants to go to university and now knuckles down, doing an Access to HE course at 19 might be an option. I used to teach on one. It was 50% students in your son's position and 50% older students who want a career change or development, but need to go to university.

@Crumbylentil do you know the OP’s son? You’ve posted a number of times and seem crosser than the Op.
The Op wanted a chance to vent. But I’m sure she’s interested in the useful advice & experience being shared too.

Check the college open days tonight OP as my local college has one tomorrow to discuss post GCSE options.

Performed? ? hes a person not a monkey. The general.idea is not to make them fo but to make them want to do.

Who says he didn't try?? Some people get testing anxiety, it didn't mean they aren't trying. And he could always retake them.