So disappointed with ds GCSEs

[Gigabell]

He got mostly 4s, a couple of 3s and one 5. He was predicted 6s and 7s.

This isn't the first time he has not performed as well as expected- we had the same issue with the 11+. He seems to be perfectly capable until the exam.

It makes me feel like a failure for not pushing him more, but I feel like I do push him. We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in. It frustrates me so much. He refused to attend revision sessions before the exams, and if we suggested things to help revise he wouldn't listen. Dh and I did very well in our own GCSEs many years ago without any of the support or help we have provided ds so it feels like a kick in the teeth. We failed and got it wrong somehow and somewhere.

He has always been like this though - he just won't be told and now he is sad. And I feel terrible. All his plans are up in the air while we wait to see where he can go next.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

And then, all the school's words about "if it doesn't work out there are options..." turn out to mean nothing because when I asked what next they basically just shrugged and said he doesn't meet the requirements, there is nothing we can do.

I am of course venting here to avoid damaging him by saying something hurtful and harming our relationship.

It’s a nightmare. So much is made of getting high grades, my 2 youngest went to an ultra pushy school. It used to be the sink school so they make a big deal out of their academic results now.
I appreciate the high expectations but it made everything so stressful.
my DC4 got mediocre results but has just finished college with a BTec in business and is about to train as a plasterer.
DC5 just got his results. Nothing higher than a 5 but everything he needs for his course in animal management. He can go into a veterinary degree via his college (tho I don’t think he will want to do the enormous amount of work that will require)
point is, it’ll be ok. He has options and you cannot force kids to put the work in.
DD4 thought he knew better but found out he didn’t. So he did the work at college and got distinctions.
ironically my DC3 (massive boast incoming) is the only one to go to uni and got a first! He went to special school from age 6 with a diagnosis of autism and learning disability.

you did your best. Please stop beating yourself up.

OP your post looks just like how I anticipate I will be next year. My DS sounds very similar, however he is predicted to get lower than 4s. I am really struggling with him to take accountability and push himself, he really doesn’t like school and just wants to hurry up and leave and work. I felt like a failure for a long time but now am looking at college options with him, even if he has to start at level 1. You haven’t failed him at all, you have done what you can and he will need to take some responsibility for his future and put the effort in.
i think it’s such a shame that they have to make such important decisions so young. I wish that they could spend more time learning life skills and how to be good, well rounded individuals, rather than doing so many subjects that they’ll never need to know about

Some children learn through being told, some have to learn through making their own mistakes. Now your son has learnt that there's a relationship between the effort he makes and the results he gets. He's a great age to learn that lesson. Far better for him to rethink and try another way that to just trundle into A levels which are a huge step up in commitment.

Give him a hug, take him down to your local college and figure out what he wants to do next.

I think its so sad we put kids under this pressure at what is realistically a very young age

Other European countries dont even test at 16.

Life has its ups and downs and it may be he needs to learn his own weaknesses and find internal.motivation

I did poorly at gcse and much better at A level- the breadth of several gcse subjects just didnt suit me.

I think some kids are not generaliats and taking so many subjects just means they dint do well in any of them

Ask him if he wants to retake any?

Mine did Maths and Computer Science A-Levels, and Btech Engineering. Off to uni to do Computer Science and AI.

People in his engineering class have got degree level apprenticeships and regular apprenticeships all lined up, and they had support from the college to get these.

They can be quite good for those who know what they’re looking for, or who know they want to get an apprenticeship but don’t really know what is out there.

So he got mostly Cs? That's great. He has lots of options open to him.

Don't force him to do A Levels he wont do well. He needs to go to college , do a course that interests him and find his niche. Has life been too easy come easy go for him? He should get a part time job and start to learn some life skills and work ethic.

I say this in kindness not judgement OP because similar has happened with my son.

i gave him all the support I didn't get. I did well with my parents having known nothing about what was happening at school and I was determined for that not to be my sons experience.

so I did the reminding, the researching, the extra stuff, the helping and support - but I think what he learned was 'I'm only capable of doing this with someone else figuring it out with me' when it came to anything hard or doing it by himself he would do the bare minimum despite being smart and capable.

Let home figure the next part out, if he gets it wrong, let him learn capability by fixing it

My DD stopped attending school in yr9 due to a massive mental health crisis but has just passed her Maths and English GCSEs at college which she took alongside a level 1 BTEC course.
She is now going back to college to do the level 2 in Sept and has mapped out how she will get to uni to do a degree in Ecology from there.
All is not lost OP, your DS has his Maths and English so there will be other options for him.

I feel for you, you're disappointed for him.

Having said that, this is on him and he's probably regretting it right now, he didn't put more into it. Hard to do, but I would take a step back - he's growing up and should be more than capable of doing his research online for options/asking for advice from his school - so tell him you'll let him check out his options, support him whatever he's interested at looking into and offer to go with him IF he wishes (my DD didn't want us anywhere near the school when she collected her results, she had two options for Sixth Form and had already declined one herself before she came home).

I have had the thought of "why didn't the school warn us about this?".

Some kids look at predicted grades as though they are forecasting the future what were the predicted grades based on?

Did he do better in the mocks?
I find it hard to believe there was no indication of his likely results, schools put on endless revision sessions and he may have been told by his teachers in no uncertain terms, just didn't believe it and didn't tell you.

I hear all the comments about leaving him to it but ime some 16 year olds, boys in particular are immature and still need some parental input. Rather that than they fail and you wish you had helped more.

If he genuinely wants to follow an academic route and has the ability could he repeat the year? If he hasn't the will or ability then it's time to look at a vocational course.

We have given him so many opportunities - all the extra curricular I wished I had had a chance to do but never did (tailored to him and his likes of course), music lessons, sports, trips and visits, a house full of books and every other resource we can provide. But it all means nothing, he barely puts any effort in and it feels like he just doesn't care.

Please accept him as he is. He will find his way. Well done for giving him opportunities, but he is his own person. My eldest, bright lad, did poorly in exams at school, never really did any work. Spent a couple of years smoking dope, eating takeaways. Then - something changed and, without any input from me, did a foundation course, put himself through university, qualified accountant. Discovered weights/bodybuilding, now mega fit, starting his own business as an online personal trainer. I was proud of him even when he was a bit of a slacker, and I'm proud of him now.

Edit: I was a maths teacher. Loads of great lads didn't do that well in exams.

All children are different. My best friend 'babysat' her ds through final years at school by literally sitting down with him and doing all that needs to be done, including revision, together, after work. She did not do anything for him, but she was like a tutor, doing things with him. The strangest thing is that she was doing maths, chemistry, physics with him, even though she is a humanities person. They used a lot of YouTube together, and strangely, her son was thrilled to do it with her - waited for her to come home from work and they worked together into the night. He got in to study medicine and she similarly did the first 2 years with him, and they only stopped doing it when clinical practice started. Needless to say, this level of involvement resulted in her dh finding a mistress - there was no time even for a chat with her husband, never mind anything else. When we were talking about it, she said 'I knew he won't do it without me'. The annoying thing, the son thinks this is normal.
So maybe you should become super involved, like this mum? Like micro-manage things for a bit - just a year maybe, until he gets into the swing of things?

I really think you should look into BTEC’s at a local college. It’s coursework as opposed to exams which suited my DS far better . There are so many choices and still plenty of options for Uni courses as it’s done on UCAS points if he wants to do that.

I often found starting work could be the making of bright people who struggled to get motivated to do academic work
There are lots more chances and ways to succeed but I understand why you feel lost right now

DSD did a T level and it meant her confidence blossomed and she's now applying for degree apprenticeships with lots of relevant practical experience under her belt

I think he’s learned a tough lesson, and so have you in a way.
I think you need to ask him - does he actually want to do a-levels? With those grades I wonder if he’d be better with vocational/btec etc. but he needs to do some of the research and take some ownership.

Could there be another problem? Ds used to disassociate in exams - he would literally go into a trance and snap out of it not knowing where the time went. He was diagnosed ADHD and got extra time for exams - it meant he had time to disassociate.

I really feel for you but it will work out. I was in a similar position with one of mine. Knew they weren’t a real high flyer but they wanted to do A levels but didn’t get the grades. Did an engineering BTEC and other vocational qualifications and got an engineering degree apprenticeship and a guaranteed job. They will get a degree without any debt and whilst earning a salary and now says not getting the grades was the best thing that happened to them.
So it can work out, I’m also a teacher and felt I had failed my own child but all you can do is provide love and support, it will work out.

Actually why can’t we be pissed off with lazy underachieving offspring?

my DS worked his socks off and he was so disappointed with his results and we
were disappointed FOR him but not with him. Having realised that he does not perform well in exams he had chosen a fully coursework based course at Uni and is doing well.

my DD on the other had put no effort in and we literally had to sit there and make her revise. If she didn’t get good grades then we would have been annoyed. She had already been assessed for learning difficulties so we knew it was lack of application rather than not being able to engage with the work.

Maybe he's not as clever as you think he is? I really dont meant to be rude or unkind but my son was very similar. He really did no revision despite me trying and the school. His results were excellent . Almost annoyingly so. Apologies if this sounds smug. Maybe try to find something better suited to him. My son chose practical courses as despite the truly amazing results he knew he would never study and he had used all his luck up in the GCSEs

It isn’t the end of the world. My daughter is bright and capable but cannot perform in what are essentially memory tests. She passed GCSE’s with three fours. She took btecs and resat English and is about to head into year 3 at university. She’s doing really well.
Find his next steps and make them fit for him, his abilities, passion etc and go from there. You haven’t failed and neither has he

I had a couple of friends like this, when we finished school. Both had expensive grinds, private school, extra lessons etc… But they didn’t get the grades. Both intelligent, I’m sure their parents felt the same as you do now.

They both found their own way, and started successful businesses. Neither stayed at home, they live abroad. I know life is different now, but… He may not have a straight route to where he’s eventually going.

Given how you describe the lead up to the exams, imagine surprised you’re remotely surprised. It was always doing to be disappointing sadly. What a waste of his and your time.

But what do you mean you didn’t see it yourself? He refused to attend any revision sessions!! And We had so many arguments over the last couple of years about refusing to revise or barely putting any effort in.

.