How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

The longer you (or rather your DP) waits to say something, the harder it will be. I don't just mean for this trip - I mean for the future.
He needs to grow a pair, and be a supportive partner to you, even if he isn't willing to do it for his sake.
Otherwise, as others have said, I would suck up the loss and not go. You will enjoy a relaxing few weeks at home for your annual leave a lot more.

And it’s the PILs who have paid; not the BIL who merely looked up places to stay that would benefit him and the PILs. Fuck that!

I think I'd leave DP to it. The whole thing sounds like a bit of a nightmare. And I do think you should reflect long and hard over whether this family is what you want to be part of for the rest of your life, esp if your DP doesn't stand up for you both. It can become a very big problem.

I wouldn’t go. If it’s a big family thing your partner can go, but there is no way I would be spending a week on a sofa bed. You say they are paying for everything apart from flights, meals out, activities- that still leaves you spending a lot of money on a holiday that involves you camping in a living room
for a week. If you can’t get out of it then Your DH needs to make
a fuss and point out that you got the worst deal last time, so It’s your turn to have an actual bedroom. BIL doesn’t
get any points for booking a villa that his parents are paying
for.

Booking it is hardly difficult ffs! especially when paying with someone else’s money. It’s not a huge thing! Tell them you will do the bookings in future and I bet they’ll still want the best rooms! Your DH sounds like he’s scared of his own family.

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and imagine this was my DH.

I get why he doesn't want to be seen to be complaining about his parents "generosity" (🤨) but I think he needs to be pragmatic. This is going to put a downer on your holiday, regardless of who gets the sofa bed, as I don't imagine BIL/SIL want it either.

I obviously don't know what relationship your DP has with his DB but in my situation, DH would speak to his siblings about it first to understand if anyone is actually happy to have the sofa bed. Assuming no one is, the next step would be to tell their parents that they're really grateful for them organising the trip, but they've had a chat and decided they're going to book an Airbnb nearby and split the costs so everyone gets a bedroom.

This is obviously in a utopian world where there is an affordable Airbnb available nearby.

If that isn't the case, your only other options are to suck it up or cancel. I know in the world of Mumsnet everyone is tough as nails and would say cancel/LTB, but in the real world, you may just have to suck it up or risk creating a world of awkwardness with your in laws. It's OK if some people are happy to do that, I'm not (based on this scenario).

As someone said upthread, if you do go ahead, it makes sense for the villa without the sofa bed to be the "communal" villa and the villa with the sofa bed to be for sleeping/getting ready.

So he doesn’t want the sofa bed but is afraid to rock the boat. That’s a shame as you’re going to have to just make the decision 1- to suck it up (and spend money not having a good time with resentment building) or 2- step down and not go. Losing what you have already paid out but not losing any more.
i spent too many years being the kind of person who did 1. It’s now liberating to not have to dance to that tune any more.
I think the question has to be asked as to why BIL hasn’t booked suitable accommodation?
personally, I wouldn’t go, but that’s me. I can’t imagine anything more horrific than a ‘luxury’ break being booked where I had to slum it with little to no privacy.

sorry OP but again, people will treat you like this if you allow them to.

I hate to trot out the old MN trope but you have a DH problem here.

Why didnt he book?
Why didnt he say he wanted approval before booking?
Why wont he tell his db the acocomodation isn't suitable and ask him to change it?

If he ends up fumbling it (which he will...)
I'd flag in writing you need early nights so a room would be better.
they'll ignore you.

as i see your.option are:

1. send him on his own and swallow the lost cost of flight.
2. Go and shut up and accept if you dont pay this os what happens.
3. Having forewarned them... once on the holiday follow through with early bedtimes.

As in... Literally change into my pjs at 9pm yawn and stretch and say everyone needs to wrap up you are going to sleep now and start scooting them off the sofa so you can sleep.

It's hideous but your dp shit the bed but not heading this off at the pass. You also arent really paying and its a fancy holiday. They have form - he must have predicted this yet sat back passively.

Dear Fam, does the villa have two living rooms for each couple to have private sleeping space for the week? If there arent two, who has agreed to sleeping in the living room?

It should not be presumed that you will be in the lving room. It does sound like that you and your husband might struggle with boundaries. For the sale of enjoying your annual leave, ask the questions. Its not rude to ask. If anyone says its rude to ask, its worse to assume you will sleep in a living room without asking you first.

And actually, it’s not just about sleeping either, is it? Where do you put your stuff!? Do you have to trot off to the bathroom (probably en suite) to get dressed and undressed?

Let DP go on his own and enjoy some time at home undisturbed!

Don't go, honestly. That might get the message to your spineless DP that it is actually a big deal.

This

personally, I wouldn’t go, but that’s me. I can’t imagine anything more horrific than a ‘luxury’ break being booked where I had to slum it with little to no privacy.

This!

Exactly.

I don't get this 'it's your DH's job to sort this' attitude from so many posters.
No. It's OP that feels strongly and it's the result that's important, not who addresses the issue with the others .

It's often genuinely harder for the family member to be taken seriously and to get their own way. And it sounds very much that way in this family.

In this case I think OP needs to take control. She can't be certain that her DH will be successful, and he's actually not that bothered himself. Someone that the decision matters to is going to argue the point much more effectively. And while the family might roll their eyes a bit, they're not going to be as confident in going against her, as they would be in ignoring their son's/brother's request.

In light of your latest update I wouldn’t even bother asking if they will get another bedroom.
I would just get some nasty ear infection that prohibits me from flying -but husband can go.
I would also question if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with such a weak man who won’t stick up for me.

I wouldn't sleep on a sofa bed for a weekend, let alone 3 weeks! YANBU

What is the problem with going but renting a hotel room yourselves nearby? It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy if you’re paying for it.

But your not getting anything for free if you end up with sofa bed!

They've not paid for you, they've booked a villa for themselves & BIL/SIL, if you weren't going they would still have booked the same place.

The sofa bed just isn't going to work. Either you or BIL/SIL are going to be resentful .

I'd either use some of your wedding fund/savings to pay for other accommodation, or just don't go - your DP can go on his own.

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

I'd be booking a hotel room somewhere around.

Fuck that, inlaws dictating my precious holiday time off.

Where's your husband in all this? I guess he thinks you have to tow the line. I hope not.

I'd be considering divorce. No-one tells me how to live my life as an adult.

Even more important if you have children, to help them forge their own choice in life.

I don't get this 'it's your DH's job to sort this' attitude from so many posters.

@saraclara I think it depends on family dynamics. If I were playing the DH role in this scenario and it were my parents who had booked 2 bedrooms for 3 couples, I wouldn't expect my husband to lead a conversation with them on it, even it he felt more strongly about it than me.

We tend to deal with our own family politics, but appreciate not every family operates the same way.

Use e-mail, so that you can compose it carefully and not chicken out. Say that it looks lie there aren't enough bedrooms and that the sofabed is in the kitchen, so it is not suitable for a whole week. You certainly wouldn't be comfortable sleeping in the kitchen.

Well tell him you’re not sleeping on a sofa bed with zero privacy. No where to put your things and your family coming in each morning when you’re half dressed. Is he going to kick them out the living room each night?

Just say you realised the villa doesn’t have enough bedrooms and do they want help looking for links for a different one. What are you waiting for?

I don’t think you can say anything, you’re not paying for and you’re the youngest and fittest in your 20’s.

You either don’t go (my preferred option, I would never sleep on a sofa bed) or as the youngest you suck it up

Tell him that while the holiday is booked this time that you'll just have to go along with it.

But tell him no more family holidays after this. Regardless of who pays. That you're fed up with your feelings and needs being put last. So no more family holidays.

Unless he works this out.