How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

I agree with others though, the text needs to come from DH not you.

Can I ask why?
Because it seems like a terrible idea.
If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.

book a hotel room nearby

I think you’re in a strong position really because anything they say about you not wanting the sofa bed you can turn back on to them and tell them to have it. They can’t argue!

Do they have a group chat. Maybe your DP just needs to go all in and say something like "we all know cawqa is a bear with a sore head if she's woken up early, so we'll need to take one of the bedrooms. As you lot are all early risers, maybe you're best in the bed+sofa bed villa and we'll take the other"

If you don't ask for what you want you'll never get it.

Based on your update and limited financial options I think speak out and just ask who is getting the sofa bed. They will say it’s you, because the other couples paid/booked and so get first dibs, but at least you will have opened up the discussion.

If it was me, and if I didn’t think changing the booking to a three bed property was a realistic option, then I would probably then say something like this:

”Totally understand the room allocations, although we’re a bit worried about being on the sofa for 7 nights 🙈 Can we agree in advance that the living room will be treated as a private bedroom from XXpm to XXam, so DH and I have some privacy and can get a decent night’s sleep?

Appreciate it will be a little inconvenient for everyone to not be able to use the living room at all times, but I am sure everyone understands the difficulties of sleeping in a communal space. Does that plan work for everyone?”

I think DH should deal with matters relating to his family of origin in the first instance and OP with matters relating to hers. It’s important that they are singing from the same hymn sheet and this ensures that they are. As BIL is the golden child it’s likely that DH has always taken a back seat to him. Just my opinion tho.

I think DH should deal with matters relating to his family of origin in the first instance and OP with matters relating to hers. It’s important that they are singing from the same hymn sheet and this ensures that they are. As BIL is the golden child it’s likely that DH has always taken a back seat to him. Just my opinion tho.

I’ve just had another thought- where’s the bathroom? Is the sofa bed sleeper expected to traipse through the bedroom to go for a wee in the night? Urgh!

Follow up: my thinking with the suggested message was that you would sound like you are cooperating, but it puts them in a situation where they have to be unreasonable by saying they will force you to stay up late / get up early every day, or they have to offer you the bedroom if they want more access to the communal space.

Maybe a direct approach is better 🤷‍♀️ but if you ask up front to have a bedroom and they say no, trying to then set time boundaries might just look loke sulking…

I do agree this should come from the husband, but he can send the text crafted by the OP given she’s asked how to word it. Plus it’s a bit late in the day and it needs sorting pronto. In future, though, yes, he really needs to learn how to step up.

I agree.

In theory paying for the accommodation sounds generous, but not when the organisers have only booked 2 bedrooms for 3 couples.

Well yes. They’ve basically shafted OP. Book bedrooms for yourself and relegate the other couple to a shitty sofa bed! Such a dick move.

My cardinal rule that I hve had since a disastrous camping trip to the lakes in 1995 is that if my accommodation isn’t as good as my own home I’m not going.
I would see if they can get a bigger villa by using one of the excellent messages posted earlier.
If not, I would develop some horrible virus that prevented me from flying two days before departure. Oh dear. How sad.
But there is no way I would sleep on a sofa bed for a week without it being a life or death need. And even then I would be highly pissed off.

You seem to be assuming you have been allocated the sofa by default and have to argue your way out of it.

Why not just ask BIL if he's taking the sofa 'this time' and see what he says?

What bollocks. Did you come here just be horrid? The fact the op wants to go on this holiday suggests she likes them. 🥱

I can’t understand your PIL not organising 3 separate bedrooms for the couples. They have caused the issue here. I’d be pissed off if I was given the sofa bed especially if they are all early risers.

3 options:

1. insist you get a bedroom
2. refuse to go
3. book separate accommodation

I think this is a new thing on Mumsnet.

OP: Asks for some advice on a trivial issue they have with a friend or family member.

Mumsnet: <Offers no practical advice> You don't seem to like your friend/DH/MIL/SIL very much!!??

I simply wouldn’t go if there was no bedroom. Your DP needs to grow a pair and get this sorted out

I'd be rethinking marrying into this family. If your DP has no backbone when it comes to his family, you'll end up with numerous issues throughout your marriage and parenthood with them. Can you cope with spending the rest of your life with your DP who will never speak up to his family? With his family always relegating you to the shitty sleeping arrangements?

Sorry to go off piste but from my own experience, these are important underlying issues that need addressing before marriage.

How about something like:

I notice the booking for the resort only has two bedrooms and want to make it clear we cannot sleep in the living room. If someone else is happy to, this may not be a problem, but if the expectation is that DH and I will be able to do that for the duration of the trip I need to be clear before we go that it's not possible.

You mention a different culture so I'm not sure if there is a way of phrasing things that will be more acceptable, but I generally find it's more the actual thing that's wanted that is unacceptable and the only way to broach it is to be very clear and up front and let them put issues down to you being a different culture.

Unless some other arrangement can be made, TBH I wouldn’t go. This year I have turned down an invitation to join an extended family holiday, because full details of the accomm. - except for ‘sleeps X number’ - are just not available.

And at my age I can’t and won’t do without my creature comforts, one of which is a king size bed, if I’m sharing with dh.

(plus it’s in S Spain in August which will be stinking hot…)

This is good. You need to be very clear and not shilly-shally about the point or leave room for debate.

What's your point?

DP just doesn't quite agree with me. He believes since we're getting it for free and BIL books it, we should just suck it up. He also doesn't want the sofa bed, but feels that it's unreasonable to expect anything else. I think he thinks I'm being dramatic when I tell him just how much I don't want the sofa bed.

Even if you remove from the equation how it will be difficult for you to sleep on the sofa bed in the main communal room (!) you have essentially been downgraded to a different category to the others who have bedrooms. On that basis alone I would be telling them I’m simply not doing it.