How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

we're not the youngest. BIL and SIL are the youngest but not by much.

They're all really good people I am very fond of. I am as close to them as you can get to people you can never talk about emotions with.

They have god senses of humour and are fun.

You are currently on the sofa! But preemptively “not trusting him” to get the results you’re invested in is beyond cheeky.

you need to speak up.

OP has already said that they can barely afford the flights, so can't possibly find the money for alternative accommodation. And it seems that the family has chosen an upmarket resort.

just ask them what bedroom is yours, if they say you're sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room then tell them that doesn't work for you and you need your own room then let them fix that.

I don't buy this for a second.

DH knows damn well it's a piss take, especially as you've been made to take the sofa before.

He just doesn't want to rock the boat and guess what? YOU get to pay for that!

YOU will have a miserable week because he's too pussy to speak up.

Sorry but you've proved now that you DO have a DH problem!

why don’t you split the # of nights then? Nil and SIL get 3-4 nights and then swap.

A one bedroom villa and a no bedroom villa? That's not what a villa is

Gosh im obviously odd, i wouldnt bat an eyelid at the sofa bed on a free holiday. In my family it would always be regarded as just an extra place to sleep & not an issue.

In fairness Op has explained why it has been an issue on previous trips.

This, @cawqa

You don’t need to be angry or rude - just factual. “I’ve just had a look at the villa and it looks great, but there are only two bedrooms and we need three.”

If they come back and say there’s a sofa bed, you say: “oh great, will BIL and SIL be sleeping there?”

And if they come back and say you’re expected to, you say: “No, that won’t work. We need a bedroom like everyone else.” Don’t explain why - you’ll get “oh, we’ll be quiet in the mornings, you’ll be able to sleep in”, which you know is rubbish (I have v v loud parents who like to get up early. I get it)

Make it their problem to solve.

And yes, while in an ideal world, your DH would be dealing with this, he’s shown you that he would rather upset you than upset his family. Use that information to decide how you’d like to move forward.

What are you wanting if you can't afford your own accommodation and it's not possible to magic up another bedroom?

OP wants her husband’s family to treat her and her husband fairly. To book a different villa with enough bedrooms for everyone.

She’s not asking for the moon on a stick - she just wants what everyone else has: a bedroom and some privacy.

@CalliopeFosterBeauchamp you must have a similar mind to me because assuming no conversations about the sleeping arrangements have taken place, I would also be saying something along the lines of "villas look lovely but looks like there are only 2 bedrooms?" and force them to bring up the sofa bed conversation.

Maybe it can't be cancelled/changed now? Or if it can OP just needs to bring up the fact that it looks like 2 bedrooms only then explain why a sofa bed would be unsuitable. If OP or partner won't speak up I can't see a solution.

I agree with you, but it sounds like they haven’t even had the conversation.

Were you consulted in any way before they booked it (they clearly booked this accommodation expecting you to kip on the sofa bed, it's obvious none of them were thinking of doing that themselves)? It does make you and dp sound like an after thought. You/he should really have stood up against this arrangement at the earliest possible opportunity (which may well be now, if you've only just found out about it).

I agree that it should be your dp sorting out this issue, it's with his family. He needs to grow a pair and stop being a total doormat (which is probably why this situation arose in the first place). It's not fair to just say that he'll probably not get the result - you need to make it clear to him that he has to get the result you want, otherwise he's letting you down. It may end up being ultimatum time: "if you want me to come with you, you need to sort this issue out".

The simplest approach is just to say that you can't possibly cope on the living room sofa for a week, you want some privacy, and see what they say - will either of them offer to swap, but once you've made it clear you aren't doing it, then it forces them to at least consider your viewpoint. It sounds unlikely that any of them will be prepared to, so then you come back with "In that case you need to be aware that the living room is our bedroom, and you need to respect that. I'm on holiday, so I'm going to want to get up when I want to, which is 9am, so the living room is out of bounds until that time. See what they say to that, it just might sharpen their minds to your perspective. If they accept it, you will need to stand your ground and hold them to it while you're away. So if they start coming in at 7am then you'll need to be prepared to tell them to fuck off, roll over and go back to sleep. Hopefully they'll get the message at that.

However, ideally I do think the pair of you really need to come up with proper solutions to put to his family - offer to pay the difference on an upgrade to get accommodation with enough rooms being the first one (if that's cheaper than the £800 cost of extra flights then suck it up).

Second option would be to offer to house sit for them at their home in City A while they do the middle part of the trip and rearrange the flights to then catch up with them in city C. Or dig your heels right in and say you're not going at all. It sounds like the whole trip revolves around his family - gatherings, family celebrations etc.

Back out. Spend the week at home deciding if you really want to be with a wet lettuce who doesn’t stand up for you.

To be fair, sounds like she'd also be okay with PiL or BiL and SiL taking the sofa bed. So there are solutions that she'd be okay with even if the booking can't be changed.

I just don’t get why anyone would book what sounds like 2 villas with 2 bedrooms and a sofa bed

surely for such a posh costly place they have a place that has 3 bedrooms and a living area

Apart from sleeping issues where are you going to store your luggage, get dressed, do make up etc? I assume it’s short on bathrooms too? Honestly I wouldn’t do it for more than one night. You’re not making a fuss about needing it sounds awful

I don’t get why someone who has always got a crap room in the past; and who doesn’t really seem to like her partner’s family very much - keeps repeatedly taking them up on their offer for a holiday.

What I mainly don’t get though is being with a partner who is more like a piece of limp lettuce than anything else

Given you have always got the crappy room when holidaying with this family….

1. why did you not clarify sleeping arrangements before going?
2. why do you repeatedly accept a holiday when you always get the crappy room and you describe the family as being inconsiderate with their noise in the mornings when you need to sleep or you’ll be grumpy?

@cawqa

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it

to talk about fact that you have always got the crappy room and that you sleep later than them and would at least like them to be considerate with their noise in the morning, which they are not?

Because it will cost more? Op said its expensive. The reason these places have sofa beds is lots of people will choose that cheaper way to accomodate more people.

Brits arent the only tourists. In many countries where people live in tiny apartments people sleep on various forms of foldaway bed all the time to save space.

So the op and her DP and the SIL and BIL couldn’t have thrown in the little extra to get 3 beds? Just the extra to get an extra bedroom. The four adults together couldn’t afford to contribute for one extra bedroom?

either way…. Was the fact it is a 2
bed villa hidden from the op until days before they leave? Unlikely