How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Is there a family group chat about the trip?

I'd try to head it off at the pass, especially if they are discussing accommodation, with a message something like.....

'Hey guys, we've been thinking about accommodation at the villa - is there any chance we can get a room this time? We stayed on the sofa bed last time and it didn't go so well as I'm a terrible sleeper and others are up very early. Anyone else fancy it this time? Nobody wants to be around me after a few days of a couple of hours sleep 😂'

At an absolute push, suggest a room rotation so all of the kids get a couple of days on the sofa.

If it kicks off or they sweep it aside and then still grab the rooms they will know they are the assholes and that you are more than in your rights to not be happy and have something to say about it

I would send this. If he does come back and say he thought you’d be ok with the sofa bed you can then reiterate that you absolutely are not

I would not like that either and would message to say the villa does not look like there are enough bedrooms. Also using 3 weeks of your annual leave? Why did you agree to that? 3 weeks is a lot of time to spend with in laws especially if you are not close.

Can the sofa bed be moved into a bedroom?

I agree - this is way better than my suggestion.

It's flippant enough that you can't be accused of being confrontational but points out that the accommodation is going to require someone getting the short straw.

I would mention that you've taken that short straw before, though!

Also, if they demand you are taking the sofa bed, I'd be changing my flights to come home before this leg of the trip.

They will take the piss for exactly as long as you allow them to, OP.

This is much better than faux innocence in my opinion.

@cawqacould you send a text along the lines of:
'Just wondering about the sleeping arrangements for the trip to x next month?
As others are early risers it won't really work for us to sleep in the living room when people will want to use it before we're awake.
So could we have a bedroom this time please as we had the open mezzanine last time? We would really appreciate it.'

If the answer is no you either have to adjust your sleeping to be awake at 5am, or let your DP go by himself. This sort of 'holiday' would be my idea of hell even as a freebie.

Definitely @Hollycocoword for word. To the family chat if you can.

Info: is BIL paying some or all? If he is, then you’ll be stuck as is and try and buy some alpine earplugs or loops, and a good eye mask.

In a lot of cultures this would be accepted:

BIL, OP can’t sleep well enough on a sofa bed and needs somewhere quiet. Are there 2 beds in the bedroom and we can all share, or should we do ladies in the bedroom and we share the sofa

DH can also ask for the bedroom or ask if you can go in to rest, but I’m not sure I’d give up the bedroom if I got it!

No matter what, try suggesting that you don’t do a sofa bed place in the future (and hopefully will be able to accomodate)

You or your partner have to tell them that this is not acceptable, or they'll just keep doing it.
Can you go home after the party and take some annual leave back, if they can't change to a suitable villa.

You're definitely getting the sofa bed given they are paying (fair enough).

Therefore three options spring to mind.

1. Move the sofa bed to the smaller villa next door and set up camp in that living room, quiet and not the social space in the larger next door

1. Ask that they respect sleeping times of evenings say 11pm, mornings no noise before 8am (tell them to go to cafés for coffees etc) [probably most realistic option] - do this in text before you travel

1. Stay at the PILs house and don't travel to the resort

You're definitely getting the sofa bed given they are paying (fair enough).

Therefore three options spring to mind.

1. Move the sofa bed to the smaller villa next door and set up camp in that living room, quiet and not the social space in the larger next door

1. Ask that they respect sleeping times of evenings say 11pm, mornings no noise before 8am (tell them to go to cafés for coffees etc) [probably most realistic option] - do this in text before you travel

1. Stay at the PILs house and don't travel to the resort

This would be my definition of hell. It would nullify any and every chance to enjoy that part of the trip. Definitely ask now, using one of the great suggestions shared here. If they don’t flex then I would cancel your flights and abandon the trip. You should get some money back?

Is your DH the youngest? And BIL the golden child?

So there’s history of you getting the crappy room when on these family holidays?

then I’m supposed you didn’t clarify at the time or even any time before last before you leave @cawqa

Miserable tight fisted bastards. Expecting you to be grateful as well. Fuck that

PIL are paying for the whole thing.

BIL is the favourite. And since SIL is new on the scene I expect PIL are eager to please.

I agree this one is better as it's the most direct. No need for faux innocence when you've been stitched up before and you're already worried about being pushovers, it'll just breed resentment. You should really get your partner to send it though as the push should come from him imo. He needs to learn at some point how to advocate for the two of you as a unit, otherwise it's gonna be a tiring old life.

I would just change this slightly -
Can you let us know where we are all supposed to sleep? Because there aren’t enough bedrooms. Cawqa goes to bed a lot earlier than the rest of us and it didn't work for us last time we slept open-plan. We'll need to change the booking to 3 bedrooms if you’re not willing to take it either. Thanks, etc

DP is quiet and awkward.

with his own family? I dread to think what he’s like with anyone else

op… you have got the crappy room always on past family holidays. Why did you think this would be different? Why have you left it to literally just before you leave to think about addressing this?

Surely the obvious set-up, since they are early risers and will want use of the living room, will be for them to sleep in it and you sleep in the other room?

Yep

You and DH get one of the bedrooms for this reason or you pay for separate accommodation or you refuse to go.

You don’t sound like you actually like any of this family. Not even the new SIL who you describe as SIL is a very big character, very assertive and likes the best.

I'd just be direct and tell BIL you're not going to stay in the communal room on a sofa bed, so can he please look at renting a villa with enough dedicated bedrooms. That's it, and wait for his response. If he refuses, remind him that you're not an early riser and will find it really difficult being in those arrangements, and because he and the others rise early, it'd be better for him to have the sofa bed. See how that goes down and take it from there.

You're not being unreasonable for wanting privacy and a good night's sleep. No point going somewhere that won't be a pleasant experience. It's difficult enough being wih other people for a period of time without your own space to escape to.

I think you just need to get your DH to send the text. There’s loads of great suggested texts from everyone.
the sooner you do it, the sooner you can either get it resolved to a scenario you are happy with.
I agree with others though, the text needs to come from DH not you.
it’s quite simple - if the lounge/sofa bed set up isn’t acceptable to all your in laws then why on earth would they think it’s acceptable to you?

Well because the DH is a wet lettuce.

@cawqa Your partner seems to lack any kind of backbone even with his own family and os very “awkward” and despite this being really
important to his long term partner (you!)… not even that galvanises him to say anything

You have bigger problems than 7 days of a crappy room (which you’ve had in past holidays because… well neither you nor more concerningly your partner, seem to be able to say anything. And yet… you continue to accept the holidays!)