How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

I am thinking American. My US cousin got all huffy with me ( well actually her Dsis did) because I wouldn’t share a bed with her when she needed to stay in my hotel room. I mean I got in an extra trundle bed so I didn’t turn her down. She said when they went on a ladies trip to Vegas there were three of them in one bed - with her in the middle. They aren’t so short of funds that this is a necessity, so my guess is some people and cultures think its normal not to have your own space.
However here seems like everyone but you will have their own room which is not cool.

Also I can kind of forgive the OP for not checking. They went to the bother of booking 2 separate accommodations, surely to goodness there would have been 3 bedrooms ( except there wasn’t).

My now no contact in laws do bat shit stuff like this. It’s nothing cultural. Money perhaps used as a control issue - we’re paying, everyone feels beholden etc.
but ultimately it’s disrespectful as they pulled they same kind of nonsense re bedrooms and mistreating family members.
run for hills OP.

They’ll complain you are awkward whilst toddling off to their bedrooms. I’ve had this with DHs family. I stopped visiting because we had to sleep in the living room and his parents would stay up very late and then wander in and out whilst you were sleeping for no good reason.
They’d complain to DH I was just being difficult. I only went back when I got their bedroom.

I know you’re trying to help and offer a solution but why would OP and sis in law want to, or should have to, share a bed?

I know, it's mental, whenever I see posts like this I don't understand the people's relationship. If I'm on holiday with my partner, I'm sleeping in a bed/bedroom with my partner and that's that. How on earth is it a holiday otherwise? There's nothing relaxing or romantic or peaceful about sharing a bed/bedroom with someone else!

@PopcornKitten the OP said it was cultural, which is why they fly to the in-laws, then book a beach setting, so it's a holiday for everyone.

I think a quick explanation adds weight to your argument...

well there was a screenshot that was sent before the booking that was just pretty photo and said 2 villas.

After the booking was a link. It said Sunshine Villa sleeps 4 and the Palm Tree villa sleeps 2. So it sounds like plenty of space.

But then I had to go into the website separately and look up the sunshine and palm tree villas and that's how I realised.

And I know the BIL very well, we are friends and I like him. I don't understand this aspect of the culture of pile everyone in the same room, but I know it's nothing personal. It's just normal.

We once all shared a room, but that was agreed before hand. (it was either we crash in their air bnb for free or we pay £250 for our own.) when we were younger and had little money but were all going to a wedding. So it maybe my fault that I have never been clear that I really don't want that.

I did make it clear on the trip I was breaved but it did go over their head and they forgot. They just directed BIL to our room.

There is the vibe of 'we are paying for you to stay in a luxury place, so we're going to make it as cheap as possible. And if you want your own private room, thats fine but you can cover it.' But we're never in a position to cover it due to their choice of resort. I think they think we should be grateful they're paying and asking for our own room is cheeky. And I do understand that.

But it’s clear there is a history here and you are well aware of what they are like!

I think you should have checked at the time and not agreed to go unless you had your own room.

Hope it gets sorted op x

But presumably your BiL read the small print about how that second villa "sleeps 4" before making the booking. If so, he knew from the start that one of you would have to sleep in the lounge. As he's not paying for it either, I'd put the onus on him to suggest how it can be decided fairly, not just unilaterly or by default. Perhaps you should suggest that the two brothers share the lounge bed and you and your SiL share the bedroom!

It's impossible to believe the inlaws don't know what they're doing to you. They must think you are a wimp. Perhaps you are? Either pay for your own accommodation (if you can) as a fait accompli or, if you can't, or can't face confrontation of any sort, then just get ill at the last moment. Bedridden ill. Work it out, eat something that makes you vomit so you can't get on a plane. Very passive aggressive I know but I bet it works a treat!!

They probably don't want to and shouldn't have to but OP's DH (and her BiL) might be more invested in finding a better solution if they're sharing a sofa bed not sleeping with their partners.

There is the vibe of 'we are paying for you to stay in a luxury place, so we're going to make it as cheap as possible. And if you want your own private room, thats fine but you can cover it.' But we're never in a position to cover it due to their choice of resort. I think they think we should be grateful they're paying and asking for our own room is cheeky. And I do understand that.

I understand your desire for a room of your own, but the more you post, the more I think you need to accept that you either have to direct your holidays with them more so that it is within the budget you are able and prepared to pay for, or accept the way they do things and go along with it.

The key to what you do is whether you're really not prepared to go if you're on the sofa bed. Because if you're going to end up going along and taking it if you have to, you're probably coming across as a bit of a princess, looking ungrateful and likely still not getting what you want. Better to suck it up like your DP wants to, I think. But if you really aren't prepared to do that, tell your DP you won't be going with him because you just aren't prepared to spend a week in that situation any more, and he should know it.

Can you argue your corner, you did the open plan once before? Thus not your turn.

I've mostly only read the OP's posts so apologies if it's already been suggested but could you ask them to respect the living room as your bedroom and use the other villa's living room as the communal socialising area?

Sorry - I've just re-read OPs post where she says the other villa doesn't seem to have a living room.

Exactly, they're not paying for you. You're paying for everything except accommodation and their idea of "paying accommodation for you" is offering you a sofabed to sleep on. It's gaslighting. They're throwing you crumbs and expecting you to be grateful like it's gold nuggets. I expect they probably consider it a nuisance that they'll have to share a bathroom with you and you'll be in their way in the living space because you like to sleep in a little. So in their eyes they're doing you a favour and the compromise for them is having to share. They'd have booked the sleeps-4 villa anyway because they'd be wanting a living room to hang out in, regardless of whether you came or not and the sleeps-2 doesn't have a living room.

So what happens if you say "sorry fam we can't afford to holiday in your preferred locations because we're not in the same footing financially and we're not willing to crash in your living room because that's not a holiday for us, so how about we go to these cheaper locations instead or perhaps we should holiday separately in future?"

If they'd accept something like the above, then fine. But I suspect they wouldn't and this invitation to holiday together is less of an invitation and more of a summons you're expected to comply with, in which case they're control freaks who are massively taking the piss.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds like hell. You don’t have to accept it and don’t feel guilty. It’s a lot of leave and certainly too much to waste on misery.

I also wouldn’t go. I’m an adult and I want my own space and room on a holiday. Thanks for the ‘kind’ offer, but no thanks. Life is too short for this shit, book and pay for your own holiday.

The big thing for me wouldn't be the sofa bed as such (although it's impractical for adults for a week, it's ok for students or kids) but the fact that I suspect there's only one bathroom?

Nope. not for me. I want my own room and bathroom. It's bad enough sharing one bathroom when we are on holiday as it is, given we have more than one in our house. 4 adults sharing one loo isn't on (and yes I know lots of families do, but that doesn't mean it's pleasant).

Also, why would people organise something like this? I hope to be able to do this for my children when they are older and I would want everyone to be comfortable and enjoy their holiday, not have adults relegated to a living room. So rude.

I understand you being very reluctant to go and sleep in a living room for 7 days. I understand the family politics & habits. I think you have done the right thing to mention there only being 2 bedrooms for 3 couples. I hope you get another room added, or DP & you get the separate bedroom.

If it’s not sorted before you go then do the best to make it comfortable for you & to show his family why it was a bad ideas. To start pack noise cancelling headphones, sleep headphone with eye cover & PJs you are happy to be seen wearing.

If it’s late and you want sleep, you can say “if you all want to stay up I’ll sleep tonight in the other room, good night”. And go sleep in BIL/SIL room. If you want a nap or privacy during the day then do the same “I need a nap but can’t in the living space…”. If you sleep in the living room wear headphones that block light and just stay in bed until 8am. Have DP prepared to say before 8am… this is our bedroom & we need sleep please leave. If they ignore this go sleep in BIL room.

good luck! My partner also comes from a family who is happy to live communally & are surprised I need some alone time. But I take what I need & they got used to me.

OP has now messaged asking if an alternative with another bedroom can be arranged.

My thoughts:
You know what the family is like, so you should have made it clear up front that you all need bedrooms. Your dh should've had that convo with his brother who booked it and checked it himself.
It's too late to argue over it now, just suck it up.
You know the family are early risers and won't tiptoe around you if you are still asleep, even if you are on the sofabed. My family were like this. I hated it. You have to adjust yourself to them. Put in earplugs or get up when you hear them. Drink coffee and get on with it.
Obv don't go in future if it isn't going to change or book your own accommodation.
If you can't afford to pay for your own separate space and the rule is you pay to upgrade the villa then you shouldn't go.
This reminds me of summers at my grandparents' place: two bedroom and the only bathroom upstairs which was the main floor, open plan in the basement with three beds and a separate laundry room. There would be a minimum of 7 people. Everyone got up early and no one was quiet. You got teased and woken up if you tried to stay in bed. Despite that, really, some of my best memories.

OP if you can’t avoid going now, can you plan to stand your ground once you’re there? Set the bed up at 9pm, spend hours in the bathroom, put your luggage out all over the living space and then ignore it. If anyone says anything, your response is “yes, next time we’ll have make sure we book somewhere big enough” and a mumsnet tinkly laugh.

Or take yourself off to bed at 9pm and say you’re exhausted and need to go to bed now. You lot seem to be going strong, so I’ll bed down in the private villa - wake me up when you’re all going to bed and I’ll shift across to the sofa then. Ditto when they wake you up. Oh gosh it’s a bit early for me but if you’re up I’ll go and use your room… make it as awkward as possible and maybe BIL will check the rooms properly next time.