How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

I've no idea if this would work in practice, but could you speak to the holiday company and ask if there is any possibility of putting the sofa bed in the smaller villa? Appreciate the layout and/or occupancy rules may not allow this, but it might be a compromise?

OP, if you never rock the boat then nothing will ever change.

If this time you say 'sorry, a sofa bed in the living room doesn't work for me, I'll stay home. Hope you all have a lovely trip', then maybe next time they will actually book 3 full rooms.

If you say nothing then this scenario will repeat itself in various forms over the next several decades.

I’m going against the majority, but I would just get on with it. It’s a luxury villa and sofa beds are not what they were. I have recently stayed in a luxury hotel and my DD had the sofa bed, I got in with her one night and it was extremely comfy.

I appreciate this won’t help the communal element of the sleeping arrangements but you’re in your 20s, someone is paying for you to stay somewhere lovely which you openly couldn’t afford yourself. Can you not just get on with it? I’m staying in Cornwall currently and we were chatting to a lovely young couple who were staying in a camper van, touring Europe, loving life.

I just think you are turning your nose up a bit. Can you maybe suggest swapping half way through the holiday?

I would be a bit more sympathetic if you were in your 60s with aches and pains, but a young couple sleeping on a sofa bed in a luxury villa for 7 days with everything paid for? It’s not exactly slumming it is it? You sound utterly depressed about it OP, is it really THAT bad??

Never go holiday with relatives, particularly in laws. I speak from miserable experience. Do anything to get out of it

OP, judging by what you are saying, somebody is going to get upset no matter what. You just have to decide who that is. Do you want to be the ones that are upset for seven days or should it be somebody else who didn’t think of you? You surely must be old enough by now to learn that we spend too much time people pleasing in this life and worrying about how people will react. There is no shame in putting your foot down and saying I’m not comfortable going if I don’t have my own bedroom / personal space. If all the others are early risers they need to share the four birth Villa and the two birth Villa must be yours in your husband’s. If you don’t make a stand now you’ll be spending your entire lives (as you have already done) sucking it up and being unhappy. It will truly be liberating for you to put your foot down regardless of who is paying to simply say that you need your own bedroom. Obviously you have the ball rolling and I hope it sorts itself out but it’s quite simple, you and your husband have the two bed villa, or they upgrade the villa, or you do not go. Fuck being grateful to inconsiderate arseholes. Once you put your foot down you’re suddenly fine that no one will fuck with you again. Good luck!

Never change, mumsnet.

Nope! Just nope!

I wouldn’t be going.

You are paying your own flights and then get a sofa bed.

No one is treating you.

I’d change the flights and go at a later date when you’ve got time to save up for accommodation or change the flights to somewhere you can afford including accommodation.

If you can’t change the flights, then I’d go and insist that as the lounge is your bedroom, everything revolves around you - no one gets up until you’re up, as soon as you want to go to bed, they all have to.

You won’t be asked/summoned again!

I wouldn’t waste my time with this family holiday.

They all sound thoughtless at best.

@cawqa no way would I pay a lot of money I could ill afford for flights somewhere hot to sleep on a sofa bed in a lounge for a WHOLE WEEK!! If bil thinks that’s okay then he won’t mind doing it instead……Just say you’re sorry but you can’t do that. End of.

I wouldn't go. Let DP go alone. I couldn't stand it. If you really HAVE to go, can you pack a small tent?

Is there a family group chat: state your case calmly and say you’re a late sleeper so it would be easier if you weren’t on sofa bed.

It’s not a holiday if you’re miserable and uncomfortable and you can’t tell anybody why.

Either tell your PIL or book a studio - or don’t go.

I'm another voice saying you should just get on with it. Sleeping on a sofa bed isn't the end of the world, and nor is having to get up at a time that suits the group you're with. I would have assumed from the beginning, as you weren't paying or sorting the booking, that you'd get the sofa bed.

If you can't afford your own accommodation, it seems churlish to complain about what's being offered for free.

In future you can decline shared holidays to areas you can't afford your own accommodation?

We do lots of family holidays and the rule is everybody have a bedroom and at least a bathroom per family (we can often be 16-18 people).

I’ve only read the OPs posts but I can’t recall what her solution is? For her BIL and SIL to sleep on the sofa bed? Neither seems fair.

If upgrading isn’t an option, I would suggest splitting the week so 4/3 nights per couple in the bedroom.

It sounds like if you are ever to do these family holidays again then the choice of accommodation needs to be shared before booking flights. While it is generous of the in-laws to cover the cost of the accommodation, it's not fair if someone is left without a room. It sounds like this time you might need to suck it up, but I would make a point of being disappointed at the lack of bedroom.
Why does your DH not get involved in choosing? Why BIL every time?

I see this as partly down to your DH never speaking up and just going along with things.

She has messaged.

What are you on about? Everything isn't paid for. OP/DP is paying everything for themselves except accommodation. OP also stated in the first post that she didn't even want to go to this resort. And that they were originally going to be spending the time as houseguests, that was the holiday they agreed to. A flight (that they paid for themselves) to the resort was booked for them by one of the others without even asking them! And that flight alone cost more than they could really afford. Why on earth should she suck it up?! This isn't some mutually beneficial arrangement, it's something she's dreading and has been press-ganged into.

I don't understand? Surely one couple would be in the separate villa with the en suite and small living room and the other two couples in the bigger villa with 2 bedrooms? Am I missing something? 🤷‍♀️

Yeh. There's two bedrooms total. One couple would be on a sofabed in the living room/kitchen.

This is dhs issue, not yours, his loyalty is to you, you're not happy (I'd not be for a whole week either), so he needs to sort it - either he raises it and agrees something with them, or he books and pays for own space, or you guys don't go. Don't let him allow you to be the difficult DiL, it's an easy trope and it isn't fair....

I'm still baffled as to why this is being pitched as you being 'treated'.

They genuinely haven't paid for anything for you, they have just offered you the sofa bed in one of the villas.

If I was you I wouldn't go - just let your DH go if he doesn't mind sleeping on a sofa bed for a week and getting up at the crack of dawn.

If you get a bedroom it will cause a huge problem as someone who is 'paying' will have to do the sofa bed.

It's a shame you realised so late, as you could just have said that's a lovely thought,but I don't want to sleep on a sofa bed and not have a room of my own ( which is the key thing) .

Decline or book your own villa. I was in a similar situation last year. PIL booked a caravan for all of us to stay in. I was pregnant at the time and didn’t feel like i could say anything about the sleeping arrangements as they had paid. I was the most miserable week I’ve ever had. They had the master bedroom, which meant we were left with the crappy small room with the tiny uncomfortable beds. Not nice when you have to side sleep due to a heavy bump and a bad back, so I ended up sleeping on the sofa or floor. I didn’t want to seem ungrateful so didn’t complain but I really wish I had gone to reception to see if they another caravan we could have booked for ourselves.

I actually think it’s really rude of people to book accommodation knowing there are not enough adequate beds for everyone they have invited. Whether they are paying or not, if they think a sofa bed is a suitable bed for a week, why don’t your PILs sleep on it? If they won’t, why should anyone else?

@cawqa

Hi BIL, I was just looking at the holiday booking and just noticed there only seems to be 2 bedrooms and a sofa bed? We are going to need a private bedroom as I am having issues with my sleep at the minute and need to go to bed earlier and wake up later than the rest of you. Are you or you PIL planning on sleeping on the sofa bed? If not, we will need to amend to a 3 bedroom villa.

OP you should reply

Dear BIL whom I generally like,

But once we get there the problem will be the same: there are two couples and only one bedroom. I can’t sleep on a sofa bed in communal space these days due to insomnia / back pain / fits of sub-psychotic rage in the early morning. Sorry - I realise I should have checked the booking more carefully when you sent it, and flagged this. As it is, are you and SIL okay to take the sofa bed? If so, that’s fine. If not, I think we need to find a different solution.

love,
cawqa

Then either they say they will take it, fine. Or they have to come up with a reason why they can’t and admit that they (obviously) always intended you to have it.

I’ve been reading more of this thread and to be honest OP, it sounds like either way you have already wasted your money. You will either have paid to end up on an uncomfortable sofa bed and have a rubbish time or you can cut your losses and stay at home but lose the flight money. I think I would cut my losses personally. I don’t go on holiday to stay somewhere worse than my own home and you shouldn’t either.

I would be telling your DH, that either he speaks to his family asap to either upgrade the villa so there is a private bedroom for everyone, or arrange it so someone else sleeps on the sofa bed. Or you will be staying at home and he can go by himself. If you Ed up staying at home you will have a lovely time all to yourself and you can use half of your spending money that you would have taken to treat yourself here! Maybe go for a spa day or out for lunch someone fancy!