How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Just reply back “we can’t sort it out when we get there! We have three couples and two rooms so need to change it now x”

Absolutely - sorting it out when you get there is not a satisfactory response! An extra bedroom won't magically appear. Well done for your initial challenge OP, you just need to ask a few more questions now

I booked a villa recently. It was refundable within the first 48 hours, then not. If someone had piped up 2 months later that it was unsuitable that would have been a bit late!

Personally I wouldn't mind sleeping on a sofa bed for a week when it's a gifted holiday but I'd probably suggest doing 50/50 with the other couple or tossing a coin for it. Hopefully the other couple are flexible! 🤞

You should have the small villa, and his family , who are happy to all muck in together, get the other villa. Anything else is crap and I wouldn't be going.

In future you and your DP need to be more assertive in the booking process- if the person finding the place gets dibs on the room that person needs to be you! Particularly where they have form for finding unsuitable accommodation.

For now I would respond to BIL directly: "sorry BIL this needs agreeing now. I can't sleep on a sofa bed for a week so can only come if we agree that myself and DP have a bedroom - are you guys happy to take the sofa bed?" Either their answer is "yes of course" in which case everything is fine, or "no we don't want the sofa bed" in which case you are obviously not unreasonable to raise it as an issue

Would your partner and his brother be happy to sleep on the sofa bed and you share the small villa with your SiL? Then all the early risers are in the big villa. Make the point that if you are on the sofa bed then the living room will be out of bounds until you get up every day and you will be chasing everyone out when you want to sleep.

This, OP. What's going to magically change between now and then that means it can be sorted on the spot? He's just fobbing you off.

"We can't sort it out when we're there, it'll be too late to change anything. If there isn't room for me and DH, then we'd rather join another time when there is."

No way would I stay on the sofa. Find somewhere else to stay?

My mum did this once when we went on holiday – she booked an airbnb where my husband and I would sleep on a sofa-bed in the living room, and my parents in the only bedroom. We only found out when we arrived. (My parents are wealthy and could have easily afforded a 2-bed.) My husband and I spent one night on the sofa and then found a hotel the next day. Sorted!

this absolutely.

It's pretty obvious the "we'll sort it out when we get there" actually means "you'll suck it up when you get here".

So now your simple response is "well I'm not sleeping on the sofa, just so that's clear now, the rest of you can fight it out when we get there".

Absolutely this_I might also point out that in the past you have been left with the last choice and you want be able to go if this is the plan again. If I were you, I'd also be preparing myself to wave DH off and have a lovely staycation by myself.

Where are you meant to keep your clothes and bits? You can say you have issues with your back and need a proper bed

It’s crazy that BIL gets dibs on the best room because he uses his parents credit card to book a villa.

Agree you need to make it clear that arrangements need to be sorted now or you won't be able to attend. That means either you get assigned a bedroom or the booking is changed. DH can go alone and sleep in the living room if he likes.

Unfortunately it's a bit awkward now as you didn't look at the link when it was initially sent, just said looks great thanks. The time to be raising this was back when the booking was first made!

OP knows she's being set up. Sometimes you can just tell.

A relative of my bf's that we never see or hear from unless they want something were most insistent and then most put out when we didn't go to their last minute wedding invitation. Because of course the plan was to lumber us with their useless brother than no one likes and who's hard work for two days. No. We are done being useful.

Just like OP is done being the one that gets the non room or the not as nice things. It's not generous if there's not enough bedrooms.

I'd text and say obviously there's been a mistake as there are not enough bedrooms and what the plan is because you are not sleeping on the sofa bed in the lounge. And then when it's obvious that that's the plan don't go.

I wouldn’t agree to that and I’d stand my ground about it too.
Either the villa gets changed (probably difficult)
You and BIL share half a week each on the sofa bed
or you tell your partner that he can bugger off by himself.

Just reply to the text: "So are you and Wife ok to take the sofa bed? Was that the plan?"

How can 8 people fit into those two villas, there’s only two bedrooms between both of them.

If they like cramming, let THEM cram!

I wouldn't be accepting the 'we'll sort it when we get there' stance because what that means is you're getting the sofa!

My answer to that would be 'That sounds like code for we're getting the short straw but we've done our stint on the sofa so it's someone else's turn this time'.

Cheeky feckers.

I am interested

This!

OP, how can you say they're "paying for everything", when
you've paid your own flights and are expected to pay your own meals out and your own activities?

Considering they've not even booked you a bedroom and you'll have to use someone else's bathroom (which is probably en-suite and you won't even have access to it when they're in their bedrooms), it seems to me they're paying for absolutely nothing for you and DH.

What they've done is pay for themselves, BIL and SIL to have a bedroom/bathroom each and shared living area.

You and DH haven't been accommodated at all, you're just afterthoughts who can sleep on the sofa bed for a few hours when nobody wants to sit on it!

It's totally unreasonable and I'd cancel even if it means losing the money for the flights. You have to stand up to this family otherwise your life will be shit forever more.

OP, without a prior agreement, you know you're going to be manipulated into taking the sofa bed. I wouldn't go.

its not actually a DH. I'd be seriously wondering if I want to spend the rest of my life with a wimp

You and your DP must have spent your lives being trampled all over!

I mean… seriously!! Your DP is “quiet , awkward” and seems to have been born without any kind of backbone. However the worst of it is that he doesn’t give a toss that his girlfriend has been upset repeatedly in the past about room arrangements and this time as well. His approach is to simper “chill out @cawqa “

mind you OP, given the chequered history you have had with rooms and holidays with this family, one would have thought you might just have made an enquiry regarding the room situation before leaping to accepting a freebie and definitely before days before departure!!

id bet that you’ll be sucking up this latest room fiasco, and will do precisely the same next year too!