How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

3 options now then

A go to the next message ie 'we'll need a bedroom to sleep properly'

B make other arrangements for you. Tricky given the complex nature of the trip but look at options. You could not go at all

C suck it up

Or... possible D - contact the resort yourself and ask if they can offer you any last minute cancellations. People WILL cancel so this may come up. You'd have to pay though

PILs are paying for the villa. They aren’t paying for people to go. There’s no bed and board paid per person. What is on the table is the offer that you can sleep/have use of the villa for free if you don’t mind the sofa. It’s for you to accept or decline. You DO mind the sofa (who wouldn’t?! maybe a teenager who can sleep anywhere and would be grateful for the ‘free’ trip) but your DH doesn’t mind. So you stay at home (or find workaround funded by you), and your DH goes.

Unfortunately since the unhelpful response from BIL. Which basically means I’m going to shoehorn you in to the sofa bed when we arrive and the fact that your husband thinks you should just suck it up and take what you’re given you’re going to have to either write back on the group chat that you need a bedroom or you’re not coming. Or just pull out and save the hassle. Your partner can go alone and stay on the sofa bed

I assume MIL and FIL will have the villa for two, and the young folk have the other villa together, they may assume the other married couple has the other bedroom and son has the sofa with partner. Is there a separate living area with the sofa and a separate kitchen or is it open plan? If it's a separate living area you can still have your lie in although I think it's a bit anti social to lie in when everyone else is up and if there are things planned for the day you will be holding everyone up. I agree with DP it doesn't sound too bad it's only 4 sharing a villa not 6 all in together.

Get your own accommodation if you don't like the arrangements. Or don't go.

How long ago was the villa booked? Have you only recently discovered two beds? Risky given you’ve always been assigned the crap room in the past.

Are you not a little perturbed that your “quiet and awkward DP” isn’t even motivated to say something despite this making you genuinely and repeatedly unhappy? @cawqa

Ask your bil if he would have booked a 1 bed villa if it was just him, his partner and his parents going. I imagine not.

This is the sent message "I’ve just looked at the villa booking and we only have 2 bedrooms and 3 couples! I can’t imagine any of us would be ok with sleeping on a sofa bed in the shared living room for 7 days? Is there anything we can do to change the booking to somewhere with 3 bedrooms?"

This one thank you so much to the poster that suggested it.

We have been a couple for years but aren't yet married. We're older. But the other couple are married.

Sofa bed is ridiculous. You’re not at all selfish for bringing this up.

Say these arrangements won’t work for you and that you are an incredibly light sleeper. Don’t need to go into detail about everything else you are concerned about.

If his respond is "we'll sort it when we get there" that's rubbish.

I think you have an opening here to say that you weren't aware this was going to be the set up when the booking was made and you don't want to sleep on a sofa bed for a week. Unless BIL is happy to take the sofa bed, I would suggest backing out (I haven't re-RTFT but I seem to recall you saying there are no more suitable villas available?).

If nothing can be done at this stage the I would suggest the following - obviously it depends on the layout - the room with the sofa bed is completely off limits to everyone apart from the couple sleeping in it.

All socialising, eating and food prep takes place in the other, one bedroom, villa.

Why do you keep ignoring how long ago the villa was booked and how long ago did you find out about the 2 bedrooms? @cawqa

oh and are you concerned about your partner not caring?

I’d respond to say you’re an incredibly light sleeper & so can you agree in advance that you’ll have one of the bedrooms. If they don’t agree then say that you’ll unfortunately not be able to attend.

Or agree in advance that the living room is out of bounds for everyone other than those using the sofa bed between 10pm & 9am (or whatever time you feel is appropriate ).

I'd reply to BiL:
"Waiting until we get there to sort this isn't really a solution. You made the booking knowing that, so obviously feel that one of us will be okay to sleep in the living room. We'd like to request now that you and your wife do that, as it really isn't going to work for us otherwise. Or have you another solution you can suggest? Thanks."

You need to be more direct and ask who is sleeping on the sofa bed.

Just found the thread but this seems like a sensible message to send. If you booked flights on the basis they would pay for accommodation for you all, it's not fair of them to expect you to sleep on a sofa bed with extended family around.

I'd be losing it at this point as replying something like oh are they building an additional bedroom by the time we arrive in July??

ok to answer questions:

I have no idea how long ago the villa was booked, but at some point this year. We told everyone we were free for the two weeks and happy to go with their plans.

I knew the villa was booked at least 2 months ago. But only just found out it was 2 bedrooms. The cofirmation was posted in the chat but I didn't look at it. Just thought it sounded fun and thanked them.

Just taken a closer look now and found out it's 2 rooms.

No I am not concerned my DP has a different opinion to me. it doesn't really bother me. He said he would bring it up if I wanted him too, but I don't trust him to get the job done.

His family are slightly more used to cramming in. When family visits they all pile in bedrooms. But of course, everyone wants the bedrooms given the choice.

Villa 1: A large villa. A bedroom. A bathroom (not clear if ensuite) and an open plan living room /kitchen. This is the room with the sofa bed.

Villa 2: Small Villa. open plan, kitchen, bedroom, not really a living room. An ensuite. No sofa bed.

If nobody will speak up properly and you're assigned the sofa bed can there be an agreement that the living room and kitchen isn't to be used between the hours of whatever you all agree? And if needed, say someone wants breakfast 7am they can use the one in the other villa.

I would respond saying no, can’t leave it until then as we won’t all fit.

Half the issue is that they thought all was ok as you said thanks

always check out the link if one is given for accommodation

i would reply to bil and say you want this sorted now

if he thinks 2 bedrooms and a sofa bed is fine then not an issue if he is happy to sleep on the sofa bed , and you and dp have the bedroom

and see what his reply is

Just reply back “we can’t sort it out when we get there! We have three couples and two rooms so need to change it now x”

I think that message sounds horribly rude given they have paid for this OP! Im not sure this is going to end well

Well done on sending the first vague / innocent message.

But you now need to follow up swiftly with facts, deadlines, consequences etc.

Sorry no - that won’t work for us. Will need sleeping arrangements agreed asap - as I am unable to sleep in on a sofa bed in a public space for a week. If someone else is then that’s solved it - if not I won’t be able to come on this part of the trip.

It's ridiculous to expect adults to sleep in the shared sitting room for two weeks with no privacy. I'd feel guilty putting my teenagers in there for a couple of nights.

Is it an all-inclusive or something where the PILs are trying to cram as many as possible into the one apartment to save money?