How to raise villa sleeping arrangements with in-laws during family trip

[cawqa]

Going to in-laws for three weeks abroad for a family celebration.

We paid the flights and staying with them is free. They wanted to go away within the country to the beach while we are there.

This is very expensive so I am very grateful they are paying. But I also feel weird that they are paying that I cant speak up about this issue.

However they haven't booked enough rooms. There are two villas, one with a sofa bed in the living room and one for two people. There are 3 couples going, BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL ,DP and I.

PIL are paying for everyone.

I am just not someone who could ever agree to sleep on a sofa bed wiht others in a separate room and not be really bothered by it. It's 7 days and I feel miserable.

I am also very quiet and the others are loud and grab the best rooms. PIL are paying so I guess they should get the best room? But then were fighting with BIL and SIL who may also want the other room.

Im not close enough with any of them to talk to them about it and DP is quiet and awkward. I will be jet lagged and none of them will thinking of us.

To start with I am a later sleeper- 8am/9am and they are all up before me and loud. PIL are up at 5am and BIL at 7am. And they will want to use the living room. They are not the most considerate bunch such as wont get out of the living room if I want to sleep. They wont have a problem with waking me up in the morning.

I already struggle to sleep and get very grumpy if it's interrupted. I just don't know how to bring this up without being really selfish.

I feel like I don't want to go anymore and feel rubbish about it. I also don't want to be ungrateful. DP thinks I should just suck it up because i'm not paying but this is also my annual leave. What are your thoughts?

DP family is from a different culture where they don't talk about feelings

Op, is it possible BIL has paid part of the cost and your op knows it & thats why hes reluctant to demand the better room?

Damn good point

I know op said pil are paying but then why would BiL have booked

I get 3 beds costs more but sounds like they have money as it’s a posh place so why didn’t they book a less costly place with 3 beds

Or the parents pay the vast majority and the 4 remaining working adults pay for the difference to make it a 3 bed.

but I think the above poster nailed it.
BIL booked it. BIL contributed financially to it. his brother (DP) is a low earner so they didn’t ask him for any contribution.
DP knows this hence DP’s reluctance to convey his partner’s unhappiness at the room situation

Dear BIL, the villa looks lovely, but I can only see two bedrooms? Am I missing something?

And if he comes back with, oh there's a sofa bed...

You say: That doesn't count, though, because no one will be able to use the room as a bedroom - no privacy, no bathroom, will be forced awake at whatever time everyone else gets up and won't be able to sleep until everyone else goes to bed. There must be another solution?

If he says no, that's it, that's when you say, Gosh that's such a shame. We obviously can't come if there's no room for us. Unless you and SIL had decided on the sofa bed for yourselves?

I wonder if when looking at apartments they filtered by the number of people the place sleeps rather than number of bedrooms. You can get very different numbers when you're putting people on sofas and pull-out beds all over the property.

It may end up being ultimatum time: "if you want me to come with you, you need to sort this issue out".

This is exactly what I would be doing

This makes it very easy.

Do not go on this holiday and do not marry this man OP. Otherwise this will be your life going forward for ever more. All your holidays taken up dancing round his family at ever increasing cost, even when children come along, and a husband who does not think your needs are important.

As an older woman I say to you, this could genuinely be the best thing that ever happened to you - and cheap at the cost.

How ridiculous. She likes his family. You don't not marry someone that you love, because his family are a bit thoughtless about holidays.

But you might not marry someone who despite knowing you’re unhappy about something and it is actually really quite impacting you - says he won’t say anything to his family to improve things for you

I agree about rethinking a boyfriend who always puts your needs last and is such a pushover that he is afraid to have normal conversations with his family about holiday rooms. It gets old fast.

Yeah it's not the holiday it's the not feeling able to express your needs and feelings to them or stand up to them. This won't magically go away after getting married.

I do agree with this to an extent. My inlaws are somewhat tricky, my DH says it's all my fault (it isn't). I let go of needing them to like me (thank you peri), and now I don't give a shit what they think, I've set down my rules. I'm much, much happier. Not resentful of DH, and now the boundaries are clear, things chug along well.

So if you like this family and you're getting married, do set your boundaries. You can't sleep in a communal space because you get easily woken. It's very reasonable!

Sounds like a shitty marriage if your own DH thinks you are the problem

@Anewappa you got that right!

So forget the in-laws
your focus should be carving out a happy life without a shitty marriage dragging you down

Work in progress

Good luck

BIL wouldn't have contributed. PIL are wealthy. They're also careful. But I am 99.999999% sure he wouldn't have paid.

I got a response back. "We will sort it out when we get there."

Was that response from BIL?

What was that in response to? What did you say to them?

I sent the ignorance message that someone here suggested into the group chat.

The place is booked out so no scope for upgrading.

Sorry, there must be about 300 posts now, so I don't know what that suggestion was, or how to find it!

Can you say - I’d rather we sorted it out now as I cannot sleep without a door and it may impact our decision to come.