I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

You are too different and you are at different stages of life.

And he isn’t making any sort of a honeymoon period effort.

It’s time to move on.

Well you definitely can't live together.
If that's important to him then your relationship is over.

I would keep the relationship and your own house. Can you just carry on and not move in together?
I have just left a marriage because of the persistent messiness of my ex (amongst other things). I am not a neat freak but the environment around me really affects me and it made me feel so stressed. I think living together might change your relationship and might bring resentment. Personally, I wouldn’t do it and would protect my peace!

Keep the relationship if you want to, but tell him that you won't be moving in together.

@Newnewcoffee I'd give it a swift swerve. It'll only get worse. You'll curse yourself if you get sucked in any further.

I didn’t see us living together because of his children but just recently he's told me he’d like us to live together, expects it to be a natural progression of the relationship. I was thinking in ten years time we probably would but not before. I’d be happy with that but it’s apparent he wouldn’t.

I think im just going to have to tell him why, also I’m not sure I want to live with little ones (growing into teenagers). Ive done that with my four and don’t fancy it again. Im heading for early retirement which I’d planned with my late husband.

As @TheSandgroper says we are at different stages in life (sad sigh)

Three years !!!

I mean do you ‘have’ to move in together? It seems to me that the obvious thing would be stay as you are. You say you are extremely fond of this chap, but not of his home environment. Fair enough, you live in yours, he lives in his met when you can.

it seems to me you are too different to expect a harmonious living relationship. Keep the relationship, that brings you joy, but it’d be a definite ‘no’ to sharing your living space, in my limited opinion.

I think you’d be mad to walk away from him.

I think you’d be mad to live together. You’d end up with a completely different life that would not be good for you in the long run. It would be fabulous for him though. You’d take on half his workload or more. But these would be you step kids. And that is not the same thing.
At all. He’s not just a widower, he’s also a divorced father.
I speak as the daughter of that man. My stepmom was amazing to me and my next brother up. My older siblings weren’t a fan.
Dad just let her pick it all up. And I mean all of it. And our mum was dead so at least she didn’t have an angry ex-wife to deal with. You would.

I agree with @OneGoldKoala.

I can see that living together is not going to suit you, but also feel that compromise is important in any relationship. I can't help but feel that the main problem here is the fact that he has young children living with him 50% of the time.

Talk to him, be honest, and try to find a way through. It's not every day that you find someone who makes you laugh and who you can love.

Goo luck.

You are going to have to lay it on the line and tell him - there is no way in your situation I would be swapping my calm clean environment and early retirement for a scruffy man with young kids. You are in a blissful period now but taking on a step parent role would be hell.

I’m sure he would love you to move in and do the cleaning for him!!

No way should you move in with him. And it’s a red flag he’s suggesting it when you haven’t even met his younger DC.

Stay with him if you are happy with something casual. Otherwise move on

It's not the mess you need to worry about it's the next 10 years or so with younger children.

No way should you move in together. Apart from his own mess you would be taking on his kids staying regularly too. I would just say that it would be years before you would consider it . Hopefully he won't persist in asking . As for your mother meeting him strange a nice restaurant instead.
And get him a cleaner .

Have you offered to help him get on top of the mess?

@Newnewcoffee like most other answers on this site, honesty is your friend. You need to stay the same and he'd like you to live with him and probably do all the chores not getting done. Tell him the truth and then you can both decide where the relationship is going.

This sounds like a great relationship apart from his messiness. The logical thing to do is stay living separately. Then you get all the benefits without the downsides.

I dream of living in a tidy, minimalist home - don’t give it up!

Deal breaker for me. If those things really have been sitting on the stairs for three years! That means he hasn’t hoovered them or cleaned the skirting boards either. Unless he does it around them. I don’t know what’s worse.

I definitely "lost" / ended relationships over the years because the men wanted to live together / get married and I wanted to live separately but continue to date

I am sure that part of their desire to live with me (or any woman) was so that i could help with the children/grandchildren and do the housework and cooking / look after them

Absolutely no fucking way

I dont care how much they made me laugh. 🙄

You say he’s widowed but then mention he has two children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50.

Was he widowed then he remarried then he divorced? How old was his eldest when he remarried? How soon after being widowed did he remarry?

If he is divorced I would be exploring why he divorced. He only has the young kids 50% of the time so he does have time to tidy up. The problems that cause many divorce do not usually get resolved unless someone identifies and works hard at changing. I believe that is why second and third marriages have higher failure rates than first marriages.

If you like him I’d tell him you do not want to live together. Nothing wrong with maintaining your independence and dating.

I'm a messy person and I will never change. I could never live with someone who wanted me to straighten the duvet before I left the room. It would be so stressful that all the joy would soon be sucked out of the relationship. Plus, I wouldn't be interested in any kind of part-time mothering of someone else's child. Been there done that.

Someone making you laugh and feel loved when you live in seperate houses is fine, the dynamic changes when you live together. You'll soon not care how funny he is when you're still tripping over toys, arguing with moody teens and cleaning up after a fully grown man for the 100th time of telling him. Makes me think the ex wife probably did all the cleaning.

Don't live with him. It is perfectly ok not to. It is ok to have boundaries and it is definitely ok to decline to take on a role of being unpaid housekeeper. He's not going to change, he will always be a source of mess and chaos and he actively prefers to live with and adapt to that mess and chaos rather than do the work to keep it nice. So, be clear with him that you love spending time together and are happy to continue doing so indefinitely but you won't be moving in, ever.

Be honest. How you live is your business, and I'm not critical. But I can't live that way. I love you. Want to be with you. But don't want to live together. I value my minimalist home and my peace.