I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

This. He's having larf proposing your living together before you've met his children, a sure sign that he couldn't give a fuck about their views or yours.

Avoid. If you fancy staying with such a chancer, and that is what he is, keep it at arm's length.

Noooooooo. Stay as you are, keep your own homes. Tell him to pick up his bloody robe when he’s in your home.

Bloody well hope not!!!

thsts exactly what he’s after, some maiden to swoop in and save him.

Aye, he'll drop her like a cold stone when he realises she's not up for that.

This post gives me hope!

This is my thought. I could not envisage living with small children.

Agree. He’s not a safe space for you emotionally if you are already avoiding being yourself.

Good point well put.

You could quickly move from treasured girlfriend to disliked nag. Keep your home and just stay over. Youre madly in love with the full attention he gives you when you are together, you are not going to get that with young children around.

You haven't met his kids, if they have grown up in an untidy home they won't know any different and it will only get worse when they are teens. If you move in and start trying to impose rules and order they'll all resent you and you'll have a messy home, belligerent teens and little free time or energy left for your kids and GC. You won't look forward to seeing him and the fun will be sucked out of your relationship.

Keep dating him but make it clear that you aren't looking to become hands on in raising his kids or picking up his domestic load. If that's what he's looking for then you are at different life stages and have different goals and as lovely as your relationship feels, it isn't going to work.

Op, I'm a similar age to you (56) and my DH is younger (53). When we met I was appalled at the state of his flat. There was clutter everywhere, one bedroom you couldn't even get into as it was full of old stuff. There was wallpaper peeling off the wall. Kitchen and bathroom was clean, but cluttered. Sounds very similar to your man.

He didn't have kids though, so no toys or anything like that. Mine at the time were 11 and 10.

Long story short, he did move in with me, and we later married. We did several tips runs and he came with just his clothes and personal items. He's been very tidy since, I am pleased to say. He does have a tendency to "collect" certain things, but it's under control. The kids have now left home, and we have a very calm and orderly house. I am so pleased that I didn't let his flat put me off!

Now, on to your situation. I don't think it would be wise to live together at this point. However, I think there's a middle ground to be had. Why don't you sleep over at one another's houses when the kids are with their Mum? Maybe you do that already? I mean, that's half the week. Just say you need to wait a few years because he has to house his kids 50/50 and you need to house your grandkids a lot and that's too many kids under one roof, if they are all there at once! You could cohabit once his children go to Uni. Of course if they don't go to Uni, they could live with him until their late 20's!

Just stay as is. You don’t need to live together. Can you imagine having to clean up after him all the time and him make zero effort? It’s draining to live like that.

Keep it fun, keep it separate!

Please don’t dump him though! He sounds perfect, just tell him you want to take things slowly. Very slowly! If he doesn’t want you to move in yet and it might not be for a few years, that’s plenty of time for him to sort his house and you to get to know his kids properly. Then you can make a decision.

Not snooty at all. You’d be mad to take that on. If he wanted to he would. I think you are his solution to the mess. Sorry OP

Stay living apart. The joy will soon go out of the window if you live together.

Thank you for your reply

The second part of your message is where I think we should be heading. I do think I need to go and stay with him more often.

I have stayed twice, but I didn’t really like waking up to the mess. He had made a small effort to tidy his bedroom and the bedsheets were clean.

im currently in the process of having some major work done on my house and because of it I’m sorting out lots of junk that belonged to my passed DH. I have been quite vocal about saying I’m struggling to deal with the mess and I can’t wait to sort it all out and be clutter free in a bid to hopefully make him wake up a bit.

I do think living together would break us up

I think I just need to gently explain this to him and hope that we could spend the next 10 years being together but living apart.

I have had conversations with him about the fact I am not willing to parent his children. I have told him I won’t be his childcare and My reason being that if I’m going to do it would be for my daughter who has just recently given birth.

We have obviously been in the honeymoon period and I think some honest conversations need to be had. I’ve held back because I could see that it is very one-sided. That a lot of of the things that are not liked would be said by me. I could be wrong he might feel there are things that he doesn’t quite like about my life.

I would be enormously upset if we ended this relationship, but at the same time, I can’t see a way forward that maybe he will be happy with.

Look - you’ve been incredibly lucky to meet someone who makes you laugh and happy and you’ve fallen in love. That is not to be sniffed at! And it’s difficult to find later in life. There aren’t that many eligible men around. Most single parents with younger children struggle to keep the place tidy and organised and his mental
load must be huge. He needs someone who will be supportive and loving and embrace everything he has to offer (including the kids). I think you have to think of it in terms of you’re not able to give him and his kids what they need.

I think I just need to gently explain this to him and hope that we could spend the next 10 years being together but living apart.

Do you need to step back and wonder why this is all so quick?
Is this your first relationship after being widowed?

You've been together for not much more than 30 weeks.

You are now both thinking of this as permanent.

He's got 2 families from 2 different women, one of whom still does 50% childcare. I wonder how she will feel if you moved in and were a step parent? Not too happy I imagine.

Honestly, you're old enough to appreciate this is all too fast.

By all means carry on seeing him. But the fact you're asking here shows that you are unsure of yourself and, worse, you're scared of saying how you feel. So it looks as if he's driving all of this.

This.

I’d tell him his children are lovely, but you don’t want to have to live with teenagers again. Given they’re still young, he won’t be offended.

She hasn't even met the children, they've been together mere weeks!

I forgot that, good point. No need for him to be offended at all then.

Does he add value to your life? If yes then explain how happy he makes you but that you are not happy to move in with him and his young children, explain why and if he still won't get it end the relationship, I fear he wants a new mother to share the load with, which is not where your head is at and reading between the lines its never going to be x

Yes.

I have stayed twice, but I didn’t really like waking up to the mess. He had made a small effort to tidy his bedroom and the bedsheets were clean.

I am sorry OP but that is pathetic and absolute bare-minimum stuff. This sentence makes you sound more like his mum than his partner.

I don't want to be insensitive given that his first wife died but I think you need to look very carefully at his timeline. How soon did he move on to the mother of his younger children? How long ago did they split up? Is his push to cohabit a sign of commitment to you or is he looking to push housework and childcare onto you?

She has explained these timelines to a degree, but not fully.

I'd feel very uneasy about a man in his mid-50s making up his mind that a new 'girlfriend' is for life after knowing her for 30 weeks (and also has very young children from when he became a father again in his late 40s.)