I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

Why should she? She has her own house to look after

@Newnewcoffee Reading about the potential chaos in your DP's home reminded me of this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5513388-aibu-to-think-blended-family-life-is-draining-us-all?page=1

If you were to move in with him, you would be trying to navigate that practical chaos and relationships with his DC.

Don't do this. It's not as if it's a woman's job to clear up the mess left by men.

OP has her own place to keep clean and tidy. Why should she be having to do his place too??

No. Keep your own places. You would regret it if you gave your reasonably tidy one up to move into his dump.

The children situation is huge but I'm not going to comment on that.

I've been in a very similar tidyness mis-match and what we found is that it's very, very difficult to reach a compromise. Bear in mind that he's probably untidy because he genuinely doesn't notice or care about it. With the best will in the world, someone like that will be constantly on edge looking out for the (to them) invisible things that are annoying you. You, on the other hand, will be irritated by the many many things that he doesn't even notice. You can't magic that irritation away, the best you can do is manage and tolerate it.

We were lucky enough to have a house that was big enough to have some rooms that we could designate as his or mine and keep correspondingly chaotic or tidy. We could even have a bathroom each. That meant we each had somewhere to retreat to when overwhelmed and also that there weren't many remaining areas we tried to keep the way the other one liked.

I did eventually manage to learn that I wasn't living in chaos just because one or two things were left out, and he learned to notice more things without having to make a major effore so he didn't feel permanently on guard. But it was a long process and it wasn't easy.

Great idea! It would be a shame to split over something that could potentially be fixed. Wouldn’t like the idea of living with someone else’s young kids though.

Why are people telling you to walk away?? MN is full of people who love to tell people to ditch their relationships at the drop of a hat. Why not communicate? It sounds like the right things are there OP - he’s kind, he makes you laugh, thete is light and goodness. You both have so much history and grief on either side there will inevitably be different expectations about relationship progression that most wouldn’t have to even think about. To me, it sounds like you need to communicate and talk about the mess, and about future expectations. You’ll listen to each other, and you’ll compromise. I have adhd , two young kids, and I don’t see the mess. It stresses me, my husband communicates with me , but I do want to chamge and am doing so for the better. My advice is don’t let this good relationship go, and talk to him kindly about it, when you’re both in a good place and have eaten haha. Good luck. Ps ignore all the people saying ditch him youre different, couples who are the same are weird and rare. Usually a messy one and a tidy one in my experience but tell him to watch sort your life out and see if he finds it inspiring! Good luck

@ec5881 I think people are saying that because he is adamant that they need to live together whilst his children are still young and OP has already raised her own 4 kids and is now a grandmother and doesn't want to look after even more kids, nor should she. OP is trying to compromise by saying they could maybe live together once neither of them have children living at home, but he doesn't want that. He also wants his kids living with him full time.

It sounds like he is primarily looking for someone to share the childcare with and who can clean his house. I just don't see what could possibly be in it for OP when her current situation sounds so nice and peaceful. The excitement she is feeling about him now will not last long if they do as he wants.

Totally agree with this. I suspect though, that thithis could be a deal breaker for him.

men are very deluded creatures and he probably imagined you'd be honoured to look after him, his kids/sort his life out!

I completely respect men that are actually fathers. The fact he wants to have his children full time is a great quality.

BUT

That would mean you became a full time mother, because you can not live with someone who has the kids full time and not become one.

You're missing the point.OP is 59. She's got adult children and a grandchild.
They have dated for 8 months.It's far too soon for anyone to be thinking of becoming a step parent to young kids, especially when their mother has them 50% of the time.

The fact they each had a spouse who died is not relevant. He went on to have another family.

Hi. I’ve reread the original post and her point was his mess - that’s the primary thing causing doubt and causing her to write the aibu in the first place. The mess was what I was addressing. Yes, she is 59 and he is 53; by grief and communication I meant they have children to navigate in the equation, therefore they need to communicate. What are her expectations and his, because there is a lot more to communicate about than people who aren’t widowed with children. My point is, if a relationship is good, work at it and give it a chance. If he’s messy and you can’t stand that, tell him. If you have different expectation about children and living situations, tell him. I know a few people who live in different homes, though they are married, with children from previous relationships. My point is they have to talk about it and work at it and see if something will work, not ditch it without even starting.

@Newnewcoffee You keep referring dp as widowed, and I guess that was the initial mutual connection between you, but someone upthread makes the good point, that he’s actually a divorced man with two young children. He can’t maintain a tidy house at the moment, so having them full-time, with all the additional work this will entail, will mean this situation won’t improve, which is perhaps where he expects you to come in.

It’ll be interesting to see how he reacts when you have ‘the chat’ regarding expectations and boundaries. If he’s decent, he’ll appreciate you want to be a companion, not a future step-parent. Alternatively he’ll try and love-bomb you to try and make you change your mind, or he’ll get all huffy and stroppy, as you’re not falling in with his plans.

@Newnewcoffee its also interesting that he’s talking about moving in together when you haven’t even met his primary-aged children…

Given that OP said she has been afraid to be really honest with him, she knows if she sets a really hard boundary re not moving in when his kids are still in the home, he's likely gone. She's told him she doesn't want to be childcare, she doesn't want to move in for 10 years or so and doesn't want to be raising teens. He's still pushing her to move in while the kids are still in the home and they've only been dating 8 months.. He doesn't have a clue as to whether they'll get along and he's pushing this anyway. That's what tells me he wants live in childcare and cleaning. She's already helped him clean one room because he got "agitated".

He was widowed at least 11 years ago. He's been in a ltr or marriage that he's had two kids from.

He'd be dumb to invite OP's parents over to a house with piles of crap that block the way to the door and have to be stepped over or pushed aside and have been there for years. If I was her mom, I'd be girl, run.

Is he a low grade hoarder?

IMO the untidiness is one small issue.

She is widowed, yes.

HE however has moved on since his wife died, had another relationship (which has failed) and more children. He's not recently widowed.

The bigger issue is being a step parent to small children , the fact she is 59 and he has children under age 11.

He doesn't seem to care about the upset to their lives by moving in his 'girlfriend' when his children are already dealing with the breakup with their mum.

IMO again he needs to wait until they are much older. And he's moving far too fast.

Also her parents are presumably late 70s or even in their late 80s.

Why does he want to meet them?

Another source of a babysitter?

OP, you’re 59?! I missed this part. Jesus, not a chance I’d be chucking in my lot with someone with young children.

Give it a couple of years and revisit the conversation. Once the honeymoon stage is over, you might be able to better see the reality of becoming a stepmother to young kids in your 60s (and devoting the rest of your life to domesticity and picking up a blokes dirty pants!).

I just can’t see someone who has raised 4 DCs, has DGCs and is about to retire has any compatibility with someone with primary aged children.

OP will want to be off travelling and enjoying life after the hard graft of raising 4 of her own DCs - even if they don’t live together her holidays, date conversations will be shadowed by the logistics and dramas of young children and teenagers for at least the next decade.

Are you more financially strong than your boyfriend @ OP? Because he seems to be moving fast and very odd to have imagined his DCs living with you? Also if he’s a messy slob - then they will be too.

The fact the relationship would change so much for my dc /dgc if he and his dc shared a home with you would stop me living with him ever.

It’s lovely you’ve found someone you get on with but I think there are some real challenges here that will affect your long term future.

It’s not pleasant dating someone who is a hoarder and lives in a very different way to you. He’s not likely to change but you’ll end up doing more for him if you have to live alongside him.

Keep your own house and live separately. I suspect this won’t be enough for him as he sounds like he needs help with childcare.

You don’t have to end it now but perhaps be realistic that you’re headed in different directions and this is unlikely to end up being a long term relationship.

I wouldn’t live with someone with young children.

I also wouldn’t leave someone who made me laugh and treated me well. Seems quite rare. You can always get a cleaner/ chore rota whatever, but you can’t always find someone who is decent and you connect with.

I think you have GOT to want to take on that family life if you want to live together or even spend substantial time together. Sorry OP, but if they are primary school age children, that's at least 4/5 years when he is going to have to centre on them for the 50% of the time he has them, plus more at random should their mum ever get sick or have some sort of emergency. Even if you don't become an involved step mum, that will mean life is on them, especially if the kids are poorly or struggling in any way.

Do you think he is making her laugh so that she will take on the childcare? Maybe it’s love bombing - who knows? We don’t know why the relationship with the mother of his young DCs broke down - that’s absolutely critical to get to the bottom of why this happened (not take his word / spin on it).

You’re just at different life stages, so it won’t work long term

@Newnewcoffee I don't get why he wants to meet your parents.
When I was 59, my parents were 89.
Would they have wanted dinner or whatever at my new boyfriend's house ? A man I'd known for 8 months?
No, absolutely not.

Would any sane man invite them? No, probably not.