I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

FFS do not move in. That is the worst possible idea, and a way to expedite the end of the relationship.

You each have a home where your kids feel at home. Imagine your adult children having to step over toys and 7 year olds running around to see you. Fuck that. I’d be gutted if my mum moved in with a man in that situation, to fulfil the man’s need for female company.

Imagine going back to looking after small children 50% of your week , imagine the mess.

it would be a hard no from me, yep bet he is keen.

OP, I was in a long term relationship. When we lived together, everything was annoying. Now we are apart, we are the best of friends. I relish my own space. So, keep your house. If you are happy in the relationship then keep going. If your boyfriend wants to end things, then it’s on him.

How can you be 5 years older and him 6 years younger, wouldn't it be the same?

The difference in your living preferences is huge.
Bigger still is the life-stage difference. Do you really want the rest of your life/retirement to involve step-mothering young children/teenagers, which it would do if you live together.
Also, if you were to live together would you be buying together? Are you on a par financially ~ I imagine not.

OF COURSE he wants you to move in - he needs a housewife and a mother for his children. I would end it now.

Apart from me being confused about the actual age gap, I would say you are at different stages of life. It's not going to work at all, particularly as you have different lifestyles too.

@Newnewcoffeeyou have spent years raising your children and building towards an early retirement with your husband. Life, very sadly, had other plans. It’s time for you to get in touch with who you are, what you really enjoy doing, and plan a different retirement to the one you envisaged. It could be wonderful. But I fear helping this man to raise his young family would not make you happy at this stage of life. I fear you would be picking up most of the household load for all of them, I’m guessing he will still be working full time? Could you really enjoy your retirement with the ties of rushing home for the school run and to get dinner ready for everyone? Raising children, as you know, is a lot of work. Of course he wants you to live together!

Is your issue the mess itself or that you are assuming you will be expected to clean it?

Agree with a lot of pp here regarding not moving in and the kids.

But I would also add that the mess is absolutely a good reason (on it's own!) to not move in. Picking up for him (after you've initially cleaned up all the crap) every single day will get old very quickly. Don't you deserve more than that?

The answer here is not for you to do all the compromising and moving in. If you like the relationship as it is now, then keep it that way, perhaps with a compromise that long term you'll meet his children and occasionally spend time with them.

Also consider whether this man was "meant" to be a long term prospect for you, or was he in your life to pull you out of your funk and start living again? Not all meaningful relationships need to be long term ones

It sounds like he is good for you as a boyfriend / partner but not as a full time living together partner.

If he wants to share everything all of the time, he needs to change .

This is my question too. He may have been widowed at one point but has obviously had another serious relationship since. Is he divorced/separated? How long in between relationships? He sounds like he wants another woman in situ to be a cleaner/childminder. No way would I take that on and young kids too when I'm heading into early retirement. You're too forgiving of the mess also. He has them 50:50, not full time, so should find time during his non-parenting days to tidy the toys or, here's a shocker, teach the children (who are school age, not toddlers) to tidy their own stuff up before bed.

He had his kids 50% of the time and can’t clean his house in the other 50%????

Ive been a full time solo parent since my child was 2, no parenting or time off for me when my son was little and my house was never how you described, this would be put me right off and I’m not a clean freak. He wants you in there to do all his household shite!

I agree that what he is looking for is a house keeper, if he really is nice then that might not be his main intention, but sharing a house means sharing a life, so you will be step mum.

No for a million pounds would I choose to be a step mum. Add in the fact you would also be the cleaner .

Nope.

Not to mention, why can't the living together come when his children have left home?

He's after a nanny with a fanny. Keep living arrangements separate or move on.

I thought the same re ages!

Why did he split with his ex? What's his relationship with his adult child like?

I think you'd end up doing all the grunt work for him. I'd accept you've had a fun 8 months and it's been helpful for you in terms getting a bit of you back but it's just a fun thing, not a serious relationship.

Sorry, I thought the same. He has primary school children, and wants someone to help bring them up. Plus do all the housework, washing, ironing, cooking etc Do you want to go back to all of this?

He also has the children 50:50 so there’s no excuse not to tidy up when he hasn ‘t got the children.

Also, you’re at different stages of life. He’s still an hands on -in parent for the next ten years, whilst you’re children are all grown up and independent.

Eights month in is too soon to be talking of moving in. Incidently, what’s his hose situation? Does he rent (or have mortgage), and you’re mortgage free? Is it also a classic case of single man looking for a home.

Keep him as a companion, someone to have fun with, but nothing more. Don’t move in together.

He is widowed, but he’s also separated/ divorced, so your title is a bit confusing.

Is it a small house, is space the issue? I’m very messy (in a small house) but even I wouldn’t leave stuff on the stairs for 3 years!

Perhaps you could suggest to him he get a cleaner?

Perhaps you could roll forward with him cooking a meal for your parents - it might give everyone a new perspective?

As others have suggested, the step-parenting would be more of a dealbreaker than the mess. Life is supposed to be an adventure - for some women living with him might bring in a lot of love and laughter and steer them away from a dull middle age…. But you have your peace, and your plans, as well as children and grandchildren …. I’d definitely advocate for being a LAT couple (Living Apart Together).

I think if you do talk to him you need to clarify whether it is the mess or the young children that is putting you off. The young children he can’t change. The mess he maybe can although generally people don’t change that much and you could end up clearing up after him.

but I think if you raise it and mention both he will probably fixate on the kids thing and not the mess bit. And also I don’t think your relationship could recover from him thinking you don’t want to live with his kids because, as I said, he can’t and presumably wouldn’t want to change that. So careful with that bit as it would be a bridges burnt or permanently damaged conversation.

Me three!

Why should she? As a grown adult he should be perfectly capable of sorting out his own mess.

Ah OP, I'm a mum to three young kids who are naturally very messy and if I were at your stage in life there is no way I would willingly go back to the messy stage again.

Even if he tidies his act up and you live together, you'll be bound by kids timetables/school holidays/childcare issues. If you retired early, you'll find yourself picking up childcare. I would not do this if I were you. I'm sorry. Good luck.

I feel for you, OP. It’s hard to find a good relationship in later age, so giving one up is painful. He sounds like a wonderful friend, or boyfriend, but a dreadful house-sharer. And you have no reason to become step-mother to his children.

I hope he comes round to your idea of seeing each other without living together. If not, it would be better to part.