I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

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Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

I don't think being untidy is a deal breaker.
People can learn new habits, and if you did want to live together (though I see you might not) he could make an effort if it's important to him.

I'm the naturally untidy person in my relationship, it's how I was brought up, parents hoard. I never had to help out around the house.
DH grew up in an immaculate home, parents never home and had to do most things himself. I've learnt from DH a lot, and it's made my life so much easier. Do things as you go along, have a place for everything, take the extra 30 seconds to put away instead of just down.

Previously I'd leave a whirlwind of mess behind me. Now I keep fairly tidy as I go along. Things slip occasionally, but just wanted to say this sort of thing can change, unlike someone's personality.

If you love him and love spending time with him then this is something that could be worked on if you want to live together in the future.

Have you been away on holiday together? That could be a good start to test the water with seeing his tidying habits and maybe suggesting a change.

Sorry, I haven’t read the full thread. But in your shoes, I would not live in with him at all.

Also, please be wary of his motivation for wanting a joint household. Does he think you’ll help him raise his children and sort out his house? He’d never admit to it, of course, and perhaps not even to himself. But I would bet that’s behind it.

Say no!

When I read your title to this thread, I assumed it was about two people who were widowed and some issues around starting over.

It's not at all about him being widowed. It's about incompatibility and unrealistic expectations of a new relationship between 2 people in their late 50s.

Exactly this. Plus a cleaner, taxi driver and cook !! Stay clear !! Hahah. Enjoy your time and enjoy your relationship separate

Hmm he has a lot on his plate, I can see why he struggles to keep on top of things (I do with 2 children of similar ages with an extra parent) and therefore I don’t view him as a lazy or bad person. I think you need to talk this through alot before deciding whether this is really workable long term and then give a pretty big grace period (assuming it continues well) before anyone meets the children and you know you are out the other side of this.

Definitely no further discussions on moving in as this is just not compatible.

I am guessing some of this comes from the children wanting to have a proper family unit again, it’s tough as even if you split he might not find that with someone else either whilst they are still young enough to appreciate it, so maybe he needs to have some discussions with the children about all this more openly, primary age are young and impressionable and will just go with whatever you tell them, family units don’t need to be like the books to be great he’s just got to show the children what is really important.

Surely if you move in or live together somewhere else there will be compromises on both sides to make and you will share household tasks. You wouldn’t just live amongst all his stuff without doing anything to keep it tidier between you. However, if you don’t want to deal with his young children then that is a different matter.

There are plenty of couples in mature relationships who both keep their own homes, even if they marry. In fact, over the age of 50 is probably the most sensible and civilised way to live.
Your parents can meet him at your house.

There is no romantic love in the world that could make me, as a widowed mother of adult children, ever move in to a family home situation again. Why would you?! Who benefits? Not you. (I’d go further and say I wouldn’t live with a man again).

If it is chaotic with mum, you could find he ends up with them full time.

And that was me

And then I met him. He filled my life with laughter and made me realise that there was a life after bereavement.

I love being with him. I can’t wait to see him. He feels my day with joy.

He is hoping for this

but before the children leave home.

Most people would be cool with waiting until the kids were out of the home. He showed you what he wants. He'll push for sooner and sooner. He's already pushing for sooner and you're only 8 months in. And those teen years are coming up. You'd be so busy with his kids you wouldn't be seeing much of yours and your grandkids.

How old is his oldest?

they are quite desperate for him to be in a loving relationship.

Really? That sounds like pure bullshit.

The mess and the young kids and trying to push your boundaries so soon, I'd be exiting. He wants someone to help him raise his kids and take care of his home for him and you said you're done, plus you have kids and grandkids of your own.

But you don't have to live with him.
All that joy and laughter will go out the window when you are clearing up after him and running around after his children.

they are quite desperate for him to be in a loving relationship.

it sounds like they are desperate to find someone to clean his house, sounds like it's in quite a state

Thank you all. I’m going to bow out now for a little while as I’m off to work.

It’s all food for thought

I do need to push back. I have already pushed back effectively regarding a couple of things because I felt that my life wasn’t stable enough to take on meeting his friends and some of his family.

I’ve held back a little From talking to him about stuff because I didn’t want to upset him. I think the time has come for an honest conversation.

This.

You want to live alone in peaceful tidy house and he wants to live together and have a housekeeper and step mother for his children. You are not compatible .

If it annoys you now, it will annoy you 10x harder once his DC enter their teens.

My DP is (sort of) in your position and moving in has been an adaptation. I’m very tidy but DD isn’t and he really struggles with that.

Well move in with him then! Why both asking us if you should if you're just going to close down any advice we give you?

He's not a widower by the way, he's a divorcee. Your relationship status is defined by your last marriage, if any.

Have you asked him why his marriage broke up?

Exactly this.

Why did the relationship with the mother of his very young children breakdown and what is the tone of their co-parenting.

How long ago did this relationship breakdown?

There is no way in the world at your age / my age I would 50/50 be raising someone else’s DCs when I had raised 4 of my own. You say you have DGC - this is where you want your finite time and energy to go to. Prioritise your own 4 DCs who lost a father young and your DGC.

Also think he is keen to move in with you so you will be picking up the slack of his cleaning, tidying and child rearing.

Your gut is telling you this - the messy house is a red herring or a metaphor for the emotional chaos ahead.

Does living together have to be something you do in the next few years?

I'll be honest if I was in a similar position I'd take a relationship with separate houses over living together.

Please wait until you have moved through the "madly in love" stage and can see the house and behaviour you have described to us with a clear head before making any commitments.

From what you have written, you are a bad match to live together and should stick with the arrangements you have now.

If you are looking for sharing a home with a partner for your retirement, it sounds like you need to find a different one.

How on earth can he be pushing you moving in with his children, in the future, when they've never met you? He wants a family set-up, not just you, for yous sake. And what if his children are against the idea? I would feel like I was going to be used. Nope.

Why should she do that?

Ime messy men don't appreciate it anyway.

I’ve held back a little From talking to him about stuff because I didn’t want to upset him.

VERY telling sentence. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
Also agree with pp that his status is divorced man, not a widower.

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger

Realise it’s not the point, but???
How can you be 5 years older, and he 6 years younger? What part of maths have I missed here?