I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

Clutter on the stairs and having to navigate through discarded toys to get out the door would be a deal breaker for me. Regardless of how young/old the DC are and how long his access is the home should be a safe environment - and actually, shouldn’t children be encouraged to take care of toys and put things away?
Personally, I’d have a nagging feeling that moving in together would provide him with a housekeeper…….he clearly lives in some chaos……..your own home is minimalist by your own admission!
Have you considered a practice run…….stay over for a couple of weeks and then reassess?

I'm not the tidiest person myself, but leaving things piled up on the stairs for three YEARS is an extreme level of mess! Also the idea of living with his children 50% of the time for at least the next 10 years, when you are heading towards retirement, is a big deal.

He does sound lovely though. It's a shame.

It's best to lay your cards on the table.
You could still be together without living together. Make it clear, say you're set in your ways and so is he. You should explain you could never have anybody round his due to the mess. And what about when more grandchildren arrive some day. Not for me either.

Not now. When I was younger, 25 to 35, I'd have been all in.

Live like Helena Bonham Carter but don’t connect the properties.

Request he hire himself a professional organizer, then a cleaner once everything has a place.

See how the home is kept a year after that. Is it back to stuff everywhere or is family keeping it up.

You can have a relationship and still live separately.

But you need to be completely honest with him.

Tell him that you don’t want to live together for at least 10 years, if that.

He can then decide whether he wants to continue with the relationship or not.

You should not move in, as all you want from the relationship is his physical company, you do not want his children, you don't like his mess..

Even if his house was a show-home, your lack of interest/desire to get on board with his children would definitely make this a bad move. It would be really odd for these two children to have their dad's girlfriend living with them, like a cocklodger.

I couldn’t cope with the fact that he’d be so restricted because of the DC. If I were you, I’d be wanting someone with freedom to go on a last minute holiday or day out, not tied to the school run.

Yeah he wants you to move in as you're tidy and clean your place. Don't do it

To find someone who makes you happy after a bereavement is someone to hold onto. He must be feeling the same about you.
I have no answer, but children are messing humans by nature and you say the important hygiene is good.
Do you think as the children get older the mess will improve?
There’s nothing wrong with not actually living together either, maybe in ten years it will be more manageable to feel it’s the right thing to do.

I live with the sort of man you’re describing. No chair is available, with paperwork, crash helmet or clothes strewn. He doesn’t tidy the duvet (actually complains if I remake it during the day). Children don’t live here.
I just step over it all.

It is wildly unfair to call her a cocklodger. No one is suggesting she moves in with him to save costs/ have somewhere to live. You are being very unreasonable and focusing on the wrong point- if anything sounds like OP would be a good influence in the kids home, but she doesn’t want to me (nor should she have to).

You've only known each other a few months and he made zero effort to tidy and clean the house. It really does sound like he wants a wife to sort it out. Wanting your parents over sounds like he's pushing to move things along. It's not what you want so maybe it time to put the brakes on.

Effectively you have no ties. He had lots.. Even standing on the edge of teen life when it arrives won't be pleasant ime....

I would definitely not move in with small children still in the picture.

Agree with others who say to keep the relationship, but stay living separately. A lot of people think moving in together is an inevitable next step, but I think less so when those involved are older. Living life together, apart is fine and doesn't make the relationship any 'less'

step parenting teens in later life with a man whose home is a mess doesn’t sound a good prospect!

Potentially this if all is good otherwise. Have him mainly at yours and don't introduce your parents?

Just enjoy it for now.

Decent men are very few and far between as you get older. If your relationship is loving, respectful and he makes you laugh, just enjoy that?

I'd tell him (gently) that you dont think it would work as he's too untidy. I suspect he wants you to sort out his domestic life.

I can’t believe the people telling you to bin him. You really like him - just don’t live with him, and tell him why (kindly). It’s then up to him to decide what he wants.

Good advice upthread. Not really the point but i don’t think the “widower” point is a match because he’s had a serious relationship since then which has produced two children. Do you know why that relationship ended and who ended it? Perhaps it was to do with his messiness/domestic incompetence? I am very sorry for your loss.

My relationship dynamic/dilemma has similarities re different stages but lovely man.
I am recently retired, kids independent, my remaining parent is still active and healthy and not in need of my care. So a temporary sweet spot for travel.
Man is still working / has a married but very clingy son who resents me and tries to cause discord between us and who recently has a child. They live very close and my bfwill be taking on extensive childcare commitments. Last year we did lots of trips together. He is reluctant to commit to trips later this year for this reason. This commitment will increase when there are more grandchildren and they start school etc.
I don’t want to be tied down in this way while still having the energy and money to enjoy freedom.
We can’t live togeher while his son is so resentful, his house is full of irritating b knick knacks and he has s dog that hates me (and everybody else, not just me 😂) Friends say I am so lucky to be in a relationship with s genuinely lovely person who adores me, but I think we are at different life stages and it just won’t work.
It is a difficult dilemma, but OP I think that there is no easy you should consider living with him -would be a nightmare with the kids.

It’s really interesting OP that you describe him as widowed. As someone else upthread has pointed out, what he really is, is a divorced dad with two small children. Do you push the fact that he’s got little children living with him half the time to the back of your mind? You might not have met them but they are a reality!

You are not being a snooty cow at all about the mess; I couldn’t live like that for one minute. I know we are all different. But I wouldn’t even mention the mess. I would say that you are at hugely different life stages, and don’t want to go back living with small children (or indeed teens) and all that entails.

We are older, mid 60s, and have friends in a not dissimilar situation. She has an immaculate house, and the dog, he is untidy and his children are now uni age. They have lived and loved very, very happily for the last ten years. In separate houses, although she moved to his village.

You are 8 months in. No need for quick decisions or actions. Why is he in such a hurry? Reduced mortgage perhaps?

I agree. If you really love him and he makes you happy, well those don't come along that often. Just don't live with him (and I wouldn't with the children anyway either). I think you do probably just have to tell him the reason, in a kind way, if he asks (perhaps even re dinner with your parents) and either he then accepts your terms or perhaps he bucks up. But I don't think this should be a deal breaker if you are otherwise really happy with him.

even if he would be tidy, I have no interest in living with someone who has primary aged children 50-50. Next thing you know you're cleaning and tidying after a messy family and doing all the wifework and childrearing.
Tell him you are happy with just dating. If it doesn't work for him, he can of course move on.