I’m widowed, he’s widowed but …..

[Newnewcoffee]

Im five years older with adult children and grandchildren, he’s six years younger with a young adult DC and two primary school age children from a later relationship whom he has 50/50. (Widowed when adult child was 7).

We’ve been seeing each other for eight months. Known each other for five years through work but not same company. Ive not yet met the younger children.

He’d like us to live together eventually, but I can’t see myself living with them, his home is an uproar of toys, mines a bit minimalist. He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

When I first went to his he apologised for the mess, said whilst he was off over Christmas it would all get sorted. It didn’t, to get to the back door you have to step over or push stuff out of the way. there’s stuff piled on the stairs that from what I can gather has probably been there three years. His kitchen prep area is clean but a lot of stuff out, the bathroom is clean.

He’s loving, he’s fun, I can’t wait to see him, we are in contact several times a day, and I love him. He’s drawn me out of a huge black hole of grief, he makes me laugh a lot, something I hadn’t done for over two years. When we are at mine I feel it’s all reasonably good but when I go to his I have these massive doubts. I’ve tried casually discussing it with him and he blames it on being a dad to two little ones, and working hard with his sole trader business. I honestly don’t think he see’s the mess. And of course time without the younger children would have been when he caught up with things but now we see each other …..

I’m being a snooty cow aren’t I?

I not a tidy freak, often leave the kitchen till morning if I don’t feel like it, might live in a bit of a mess for a week but then dash around and sort it out.

I think we are both good for each other, definitely helped each other to make sense of what is/has been difficult lives.

I just can’t help wondering if I can get over the mess, will it improve, is he able to sort it. How can you sort stuff you don’t see or think is important.

He wants to ask my parents to a meal at his, my mum would be appalled at the state of his home. Arghhhhhh.

Do I rip the plaster off and tell him or run away from a great (untidy) man.

I'd stay with him, no need to move in though!

I’m widowed and dating a widower too. We are good for each other (as we tell each other!) because we really understand what we’ve been through. We say every event previously has led us to this place. And it’s a very special place to be when you meet someone like that. Don’t underestimate it. By this stage of life, everyone has baggage and the perfect person doesn’t exist. But I love him for our deep connection.

I think his house was a bit of a mess (before I’d seen it), so he’d got some people in to do a deep clean, then they go back as regular cleaners.
Can you suggest he finds a housekeeper to help with his domestic chores? It sounds like he might be struggling to do everything and this is what is being neglected. It should be easily fixed if he’s willing.
Don’t back out of an otherwise good relationship without trying to address this directly.

The child rearing would put me off. I couldn’t imagine doing all the dramas, homework, washing and ironing again when I could be looking forward to a calm retirement.

Am I being dense?

How can there be both a 5 year and a 6 year age gap between you?

Are you serious?

Be honest with him that you don't want to live together. And then see where it goes. Personally I wouldn't be !

Sometimes I doubt the motives of the people who say 'dump him' when advice is sought on MN. You say you love him and he loves you - what, is it beyond you both to organise a cleaner/housekeeper for a deep clean and regular visits afterwards?

i agree @Feis123. I often think the ‘leave him’ knee jerk response on MN must come from a bitter place.

Stay with him if you are happy with something casual. Otherwise move on

Thing is not living together doesn't have to mean casual. This is societal expectation, whereas a relationship can actually look like whatever you want it to. There are happily married couples who live in separate houses. Ideal IMO!

He leaves his robe on my bedroom floor and never pulls the duvet tidy if he’s last to leave the bedroom.

His house will never be clean or tidy even when his kids have grown up and left. It's not the kids, it's him. You would be continually following him around clearing up his destruction of your home. I gained over an hour a day (which is over 7 hours a week, nearly a full working day!) when my ex moved out. I didn't know what to do with my free time. I was gobsmacked at how much time I'd wasted on his mess over the years.

I would be worried that he's looking for a free cleaner/babysitter. Date him but never, ever live together and if that's a deal breaker for him then, for your own sanity, let him go.

Totally confused about what age the OP and this guy are! Doesn’t make sense.

that aside, as they’ve only been in a relationship for 8 months it seems unnecessary to be talking about living together.

they are at totally different life stages. If her kids are grown up, why on earth would she want to go back to living with primary age kids? Most of us wouldn’t choose that. Most of us wouldn’t even want our own kids with those age gaps, never mind trying to blend with someone else’s family.

if he is putting pressure on that living together ‘must’ happen at some point then that’s a red flag, however fun he is to be with. Just continue to enjoy things, retaining your independence.

I'm not sure that moving in together is a "natural progression" once you are past the first serious relationships of younger times. I would ask him why it is important to him, given that you have both been living alone with your own children for years. Why does he feel it is the natural next step when blended families frequently don't work out? Is he unaware of that?

You have both been living happily with your own children separately while enjoying the relationship you share. What does he think the benefits of living together will be? Don't be surprised if it comes down to practicalities that will serve him well. The benefit of living with someone who knows how to keep a home clean and tidy, who doesn't leave clutter for years. Someone who can help carry the load of raising young children. Living together would probably save him some money too. Maybe I'm cynical, but I really doubt at his age, in his situation, he will say benefits like how lovely it will be to wake up together every morning, come home to each other every day, embark on a new life together in a shared home.

I think it's important to ask him before you make a decision to avoid the possibility of doubts and "what ifs" should you decide to break up with him.

You clearly need to continue as you are, living separately.
If he cannot accept this, sadly the relationship may come to an end

I agree with most of the PP upthread. Stay as you are with separate bases, Then you each get what you want in your immediate environment. Ok for dating but not for setting up home. I stepped back from 2 similar FWB relationships where a man wanted something closer and i was not prepared to commit. The PP who observed that you are at different life stages are correct. You have done parenting and dont want more kids underfoot including a big man child. I would be frank and tell him.

No. If you are a widow you have been through a lot. I can’t send you would want to get into a situation with young kids. Go enjoy your life as you have probably sacrificed a lot over the years. I speak as a fellow widow with teens now being 14 and 17 and I’m already planning what my life can now be, now that they entering young adulthood.

Are you really just looking for opinions Op because you see quite clearly that living with him isn't what you want. Your early retirement with lazy days and freedom will vanish, you'll end up as the childcare and housekeeper. It's a shame, because he sounds a nice man but I'd be living apart until his DC leave home

You can have a perfectly happy relationship whilst living in separate houses. My mum’s friend has done this with her partner for decades. It works for them, they’re very happy. It’s very understandable why you wouldn’t want to move in and play step-mum to 2 little kids half the time. Just talk to him and tell him you’re happy with the status quo. If it’s a dealbreaker for him then so be it.

You're too different. How old are you both?

Maybe ask yourself if you were both child free, or your children were all adults and not around at home, would you want to live with him?

Apart from the untidiness, you are both at very different life stages.

I don't understand how he has young children from a second relationship who still see their mother ? I'm asking the same questions as @Twinandatwoyearold

Presumably he was widowed, entered a new relationship , married ( again ?) had more children and that relationship has broken up?

I don't quite understand the age gap. You say 5 and 6 years in the same post!
Either you had your children very young (and are a young gran) or he's had a 2nd family at a much later age.

Is he a good bet anyway?
His life sounds very complicated with all his children and an ex in the background.

And you're only 8 months in, so it's still the honeymoon phase.

I'd keep things as they are. He doesn't come over as reliable. Fun, yes, steady- maybe not.

Breaking up with this 2nd wife (or partner) when he still has young children needs questioning and I'd be wary.

You can still have a great relationship without moving in with him.

There is no way Ill ever be moving in with someone messy with kids.
Stay in your own home. Your independence is so important.

Are you in the UK? Looking at your timing of posts.

I wonder if the mother to his young children left for the same reasons- he's messy!

You've not said why that relationship ended.
That's quite a 'biggy'.
He sounds like he's love-bombed you and you've fallen for him.

I know a woman who has a beautiful, minimalist house. She's had the same "boyfriend" for decades, after her divorce. Stay together often and holiday together always, but they've never lived together.

He is basically offering you what no woman in your position would want, myself included. You can either retire early, spend time with your adult children, date, have a home that is exactly how you like it, travel etc. or you can move in with a guy who is unable to keep a nice home and become a step parent to his young children and tied to their schedule. You won't be happy with how the home looks but he will also not be bothered about it so you will run yourself ragged undoing all the mess the others are creating. No man is worth that and if his stance is that either you live with him or you are not together then being not together is a much more attractive option.

OP, if this relationship is going to work you have to find a way to communicate your doubts to him. If you want to live with him except for the mess, that is a fairly easy fix: tell him the one condition for you moving in is that he hires a cleaner (and possibly an au pair or nanny). You should not be drafted in to clean and provide childcare. It sounds like your relationship is good otherwise.

But if you don't want to move in with him, just tell him you want to move slower and keep things as they are for now. You are still getting to know one another, so maybe that is the best option. Let the future take care of itself. Oh, and say that he should meet the parents on neutral ground, i.e. a restaurant.

Can you not just carry on living separately? I really can’t see how you can live with him and his 50/50 kids - it would drive you (and me btw) mad!

I agree with other that moving in would be a mistake. I’d say to him what you have to us (mostly) that you’re happy with him and his company but don’t want to live with anyone.

Maybe it won’t be enough for him, ut that isn’t a reason to do what he wants. You’ll not be happy going into that environment from the way you write about it.