Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Can I join in...I'm at a total loss today. Discovered last night that DS(14) has been self harming 😔 I'm struggling with it and don't know how to help.

Concerned mom over here... My daughter got her first period this month and it's been a really rough one. To make matters worse she has had excessive anxiety about getting it and now that she has it, she won't stop bleeding. The first two days were heavy with mild cramps, but it's been two weeks and she is still moderately bleeding with no sign of slowing down. I took her to the doctor a few days ago, and the doctor wasn't much help, just said that first periods can be irregular like this and to just make sure she is getting enough iron. But I'm starting to get really worried. Has anyone ever experienced prolonged periods like this? Especially in the early stages of menstruation? I'm afraid if she doesn't stop bleeding she'll have to get on birth control, and I'm hoping to go the more natural route with hormone balancing.

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Must be tough. Is there any support available through the school. Will your DS see a counsellor?

Same with DD. She is 13 and on her second period. Has been going on for 10 days. I think your GP is right, they take a while to regulate to become anywhere near “normal” - whatever that looks like. I wouldn’t worry unduly yet.

@Elizo we're on school holidays, not back til mid August. Am investigating support via my work mental health team. He's said he'll talk to someone but it feels a bit half hearted, like he's only doing it to please me.

It's grief related, his dad (we weren't together) died very suddenly about 18 months ago. He had school based counselling at that time which he said was beneficial then, but now he's telling me it was a waste of time.

aww poor thing. Maybe the GP could do a CAMHS referral Really hoping he can get some support .

@Mum2Fergus Can you get in touch with Winston's Wish?

The death of a parent can hit like a ton of bricks and then like a ton of lead afterwards. It can be very far out of the remit of school counsellors - believe you me, I know.

He may need specialist and skilled advice from professionals who have training in grief counselling for younger children and teens.

I can't emphasise this enough.

https://winstonswish.org/

When your parent dies, it can destabilize the foundation of a child's life, especially fi there's already been one big (and often necessary) change like divorce. It really can need highly skilled help, for some children.

Hello, fellow struggling parents of teens.
Until a couple of months ago I'd have said how lucky I was to be experiencing relatively smooth teenage years. Now it turns out I have a DD who has been self harming for most of the past year and we have to monitor her as there is a suicide risk. 90% of the time she's still been a normal teenager. But I can no longer just let her hang out in her room and she hates that and me. And I still have fuck all idea of what is driving the self harm and suicidal thoughts. Or how to help. We have CAMHS involvement, so we are luckier than some. I'm exhausted.

Checked her phone last night and it had a lot of unread messages from me (funny pics, links to resources on self-esteem etc) and a whole load of teenager drama, none of which I would have guessed was "serious".

Sorry to hear that Rosa. Similar experience here actually. How did you find out?

Teacher saw marks from self harm - in PE so short sleeves top, which she doesn't wear normally. Obviously feel like the worst parent in the world that school spotted it and I didn't.
Sorry you are going through something similar, Gails. Did you find out in a similar way?

@WarningOfGails and @RosaCorn

Sorry to hear this both. I believe it’s a secretive type of behaviour and coping strategy so it wouldn’t necessarily be apparent.

I’ve just told my teen I’m ashamed and embarrassed by his wannabe gangster type behaviour. I don’t know who he’s trying to be but it makes me cringe and I’m mortified.

I actually thought it was happening Rosa as I saw some bloodstains on her sheets but she denied it when I asked her. Oddly I eventually found out as her ex rang her school anonymously to say she was self harming & suicidal. DD then admitted she was self harming but denied the other… we already knew DD was unhappy though so I tell myself this is nothing more than we already knew…

How is everyone? X

I first posted on this thread a year ago or so. I was desperate. My DD is 18 now and while life is still not easy, things have improved. I’ve had to learn how to let go and she has become a little more mature. There’s hope. We’re not in a great place but we’re in a better place.

That’s brilliant news.

gives us hope 😃

hey all - just checking in. DS is 15, just got his long overdue ASD and ADD diagnosis and is totally rejecting it. Its really messed him up and I feel like I've screwed up, wasted ££££ on a very thorough and detailed assessment and he won't engage it with or the next steps of meds / therapy etc. He was pretty much school refusing last term and is so behind (Y10-11) . I can't get him to engage with his work at all. I''ve organised his folders, printed stuff out, brought it down to the bare basics so he doesn't have to go searching for the tasks and he still won't just bloody do it. he has few friends and doesn't see them in the hols so he is very isolated and I'm worried next term will just be a disaster. Any attempt to talk about any of this just ends up in a row. I tried writing him a letter and he ripped it up 😪. He is about 2-3 years behind mentally I'd say, though not physically and thinks his career will be a YouTube star so no need for GCSEs. I'm a bloody teacher so this is killing me and I can empathise with those saying how awful they feel when they their kids' peers are out doing stuff. I'm surrounded by these gorgeous, funny, engaged, fit, sociable teens doing loads of sport and DofE and stuff and he's just a lump moping in his room. I know that's awful but its how I feel.

Not much chande here. Things slightly easier as its the holidays. Not looking forward to the GCSE failure and the college battle.

How are you?

This was exactly me last year. I feel your pain. Teacher too at the school my dd attended. She has just failed all her GCSES. So results day will be difficult.

I honestly wish I knew the answer to help you. The only thing I did was become more stoic. I never gave up. I always encouraged but if she said no or refused or made excuses. I left her to it. I made it clear I was there to help. But I couldn't make her want to do it. It just pushed us apart and ruined our relationship. This is actually better than a year ago now.

Now she has the natural consequences of college resits. She does have issues so my school were very understanding. I dread it happening all over again.
I think I have trauma from the last 5 years.

@BibbleandSqwauk I have the same, although since the school term ended he's turned into a rather delightful young man, from a horrendous teen before.

But he is indeed rather friendless and spends all the time in his room on the computer :(

Pushing him did nothing. In the end I had to step back and lift my hands and say Okay, whatever happens this is your choice. It took the pressure out of the situation, although his behaviour was still awful. Tbh Im actually a little afraid of him. But now school is over for the summer, he's a different boy. He must have been struggling beyond belief.

@DancesWithDucks and @Newtonianmechanics thank you both. I teach at DS's school so it's really difficult because I want to ask colleagues to approach him in a particular way but I don't want to blur those lines. It also means I never get a break because they ask me in the staff room about things and I have to struggle not to cry. I'm at work FFS and I can't go into Y9 with red eyes in ten minutes! It's a private school and grandparents are stretched to pay the fees so that adds another layer of guilt and pressure that it's being wasted (not from them but I feel it). He just got really angry because I told him that from Monday, there will be a 3 HR limit on the x box until work is done each day. He HAS to do summer work or be on the back foot from day 1 in y11. I don't know why he can't just suck it up and get on with it like everyone else.

I think you are all ME.

same battles. Same pain. Same wonderings of what could I / should I be doing?

it’s been traumatic.

Results day for 2 of mine on Tuesday - one worked. One didn’t. A year apart in age. Wish me luck.

good luck @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom . @BibbleandSqwauk your experience of trying to organise your son, encourage him etc sounds so familiar. Mine is 13 (yr 8) - I would have said he was doing ok at school until this year, which has seen him going from getting Bs and Cs to basically failing everything. We met with his teacher last week (in Australia so not on holiday) and she said he was completely disengaged with all aspects of the curriculum, including sport which he used to love. He has ADHD (which he has medication for, diagnosed this year).
Given all this, we are looking to move him from his private school as he isn’t flourishing there (to say the least) and won’t make any effort despite a lot of support from us and the school. Problem is he doesn’t want to move (think this is partly because of friends there) - says he would hate any other school too so what’s the point and if we send him to the local school he will give up completely and will end up ‘on the streets’. I am so angry at being blackmailed like this and can’t justify making sacrifices to keep him at a school where he refuses to engage - but I do think there is a high risk that he will become even worse if we move him (hoping that it might be the making of him, a better fit etc but that seems a long shot). Going round and round in my head about what to do…

@Marchpane123 that is really hard. On an adult level it seems so obvious that they should understand that its a waste to spend £££ and get nothing from it but they just don't. I would say that I moved mine to private after awful bullying in state and even though things haven't gone well for him for a number of complex reasons (as given above) I wouldn't now put him back in a state school I actually think he was genuinely traumatised by what happened to him over two years and is completely paranoid about being bullied when it genuinely is just lads' chat and usual piss taking which do they constantly to each other all the time. I don't know how the Aus system works - what year does he start exam work? Can you give him another year to try and identify issues, clear targets etc? 13/14 is when all the teenage shit kicks in and he might be just struggling to settle into what the new him is like. At least he's taking meds - mine is completely closed to the idea, won't even consider it.