Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

@Mumofteens4892 I really feel for you and hope all is calmer tonight.

My DD (13) has been dumped via Snapchat message tonight by her whole friend group. Her 'closest' friend was nominated to break the news of behalf of them all that no one likes her and no one wants to be her friend. They said they planned to do it at break face to face - nice - but she was not in school today so by text it was. So cruel.

@resipsa
That’s awful!

I’m just feeing blue about the whole state of things currently. Technology has presented so many challenges for us as parents.

Sending all my hugs love and support.

this phase is brutal.

the end 🤯

Oh @resipsa that horrible. I take it she’s year 8 that’s one of the worst years. how is she other than in bits are there others she can hang out with.

year 9 gets a bit easier as they start to split into different groups then year 10 everyone is mixed up for gcse choices so lots more interaction with other people.

in the meantime it’s worth her offering to help with end of year stuff like productions if she’s not already as it’ll keep her busy.

I have no words of wisdom for anyone but lots of virtual hugs, tea, cake, wine.

I posted in December that my 13 year old DD feels distant from me and it's just gone from bad to worse. She barely speaks at all now, just whispers or mumbles the occasional yes or no answer to things, disappears to her room, even asks to eat dinner alone in there - I draw a line at this but sometimes wonder why I bother and that maybe I should just let her get on with it.

I visit this thread and feel for you all.

I am trying to keep my own life going but wish my kids were more involved. DS, 16, is pretty chilled and easy, ideally he'd be working a little harder for his exams but I can hardly complain about that, it is what it is, I'm glad he's not too stressed about it all. He is fairly good company, talks a bit about his life/future, I'm very grateful for what I have with him at the moment.

But DD... what does she want? Who knows. She just texted me asking what we're doing today. I said we can do anything she likes, she said she didn't know. So I made several suggestions, ranging from low-key make a cake at home/watch a film, to going out on our bikes, driving to a nature reserve, going to town, Costa, cinema, whatever - she answers no, no, no, no, no, no. So either there is a magical right answer that I haven't guessed, or she doesn't want to do anything, which would have been fine too? First weekend of half term, I've had a busy week, quite happy with doing nothing, so what is this, a test? If so I failed. If not, well I guess I failed then too.

Regarding the posts on phones and social media, I'm considering making her sit and watch The Social Dilemma with me. I just don't want to trigger a row about it.

Today I want to run away.

anyone want to join me?

I feel like a spectacular failure. The end.

I hear you.
Many many times I've wanted to do just this and worse.
Forgive me I haven't read your situation...this thread just popped in my feed and I just wanted to reply to you quickly xx

Here if you want to chat xx

If it's safe to do so, highly recommend just taking time to get out for a walk to anywhere, and "people watch" so your mind and body can relax firstly.
Then will come clarity and perspective. This has always worked for me so just sharing xx

I second the advice @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom you need to get some space, get out into a bit of nature and switch off for a few hours

send hugs

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom
I hear you. Feeling similar. A vacation on the Moon would be appealing. I find a brisk walk helps. I need to do it daily. I’ve fallen off the wagon recently as my routine’s gone to pot and am missing it.

I had a brisk walk - great advice thank you. X

Brilliant 🤩
glad it helped you x

Hi ,

Just need someone to come confess how anxious I'm feeling about my teenage daughter who is nearly 14 and has sass for Britain. I actually find her a bit intimidating, she can be so cutting. I'm worried about all the fights we are going to have in the heat 2-3 years as I probably will need to say no to many things she wants to do.
This may sound strange but she's absolutely gorgeous and I feel a bit worried for her about it. She's already experienced girls being jealous her looks and shape - I didn't even know that was a thing
That's all really! I guess the reality is it n may not live up to worst case scenarios ! I thought toddlers were hard but this is a different level of worry

I’m so sorry - I understand.

I’ve just completely lost my shit with my daughter as in totally and utterly and I feel appalled. At her but also at myself.

Have exact concerns but a bit behind you at almost 13. She is drop dead (conventionally) gorgeous. Thick hair, big thick lashes, big green eyes, year round tan, she’s already a D cup, tiny waist and clearly going to be a hourglass.

when she’s not being a dickhead to me she’s beautifully sweet, lovely girl everyone seems to love.

i am actually dreading what she’ll be inevitably exposed to in the coming years, from unwanted male attention to just pure jealousy.

I can’t relate cos I’m ugly as sin and she gets it from her father, but I had enough unwanted male gaze from early on due to my body and it makes me feel sick to know the world we are in will mean she will experience it too. 😭

I was attacked as a child and honestly, it keeps me awake at night. Not that it’s ever about how pretty you are when it comes to predators I know.

I hear you on the gorgeous daughter anxiety. Mine are a bit older and we have had a mixed experience.

(Must apologise having written this for how bleak it might come across… )

The older one (now 19) is conventionally beautiful (and I don’t use that word lightly). We didn’t realise she was getting a lot of attention on her walk to school when she was about 12-13… just that she started going earlier and earlier. Anyway fast forward and she has retreated into big baggy clothes, deliberately “ugly” things (she uses this word) and has struggled with wanting to be a boy… still sort of NB but hasn’t changed pronouns etc. a “friend” of hers gave her a breast binder without our knowledge so there’s been that as well… she has had depression this first year of uni and is applying to redo the year on mh grounds.

My younger daughter (15) is now very tall (taller than her older sister and me. She was bullied for her weight at primary school (she wasn’t remotely big but one set of girls were horrible to her). Anyway she has lost some weight (borderline eating disorder… a whole separate story) and wears a lot of make up, big eyelashes, crop tops etc. She is a queen bee - can be really (to use @Losingtheplot2016 ‘s word up thread) “cutting”, and me and DH have had to band together to stop her actually bullying us (he has a disability and she has even crossed a line in her comments on that). We used to minimise it until I started really noticing it after a bullying incident at work I had to deal with and realised we were letting her get away with it by not picking her up on the hurtful things she says to us. I think it’s a reaction to the bullying at primary school - now she lashes out first. She has had a girlfriend and now a boyfriend - she’s much more confident than her big sister.

Anyway… my take away is that it sucks to be an adolescent girl. It did when I was a teenager but I think the pressures are even more extreme these days. I hope they will both find their individual ways through but it has been dark at times. I sometimes feel so sad for them - struggling in such a misogynistic world where appearance and weight are still the first things every girl/woman is judged on.

ugh, writing all that out makes me feel I have failed them both so badly somehow.

I just wanted to say I really feel for you all and am with you. Very hard going some days with DH being borderline narcissistic, one ADHD son who is lovely but triggers so many arguments between us, and generally things feeling so far from what i thought they would be at this stage. Dynamics stuck in downward spirals, constant arguments etc. Weekends are very testing and I fantasise about walking away every given Saturday. My Mid life hormones also magnify feelings of anxiety and loss of control. Luckily I go to therapy and have amazing friends which means I receive the support I don't receive from DH. I do think though that this is the hardest phase of family life and that teens do register our advice and will heed it later. I do believe things will get easier at some stage. But the guilt of not providing the stability, harmony and high standards I experienced myself as a teen is sometimes crushing. We also live in times that make it practically impossible to keep a grip on our kids. It's frankly unfair. It's tough, and it's relentless.

@Zubomama
I echo your feelings. It’s not how I thought it would be at all and keeping my DS close seems impossible. He’s ASC and we’ve always had a tricky relationship. I try parent him more than DH and so there’s a backlash. I’m really concerned about how he’s turning out He’s surly, angry, unpleasant and wants to be left to his own devices. I don’t know what to do to support him or get through to him. He seems to shun support at school etc. I can relate to the low grade bullying comment. That’s how it feels.

Oh I’m so glad I have found this.

It’s just me and DS15 at home - we’ve always been very close but things in the house are a nightmare lately. He is mostly rude, argumentative, complaining, with glimpses of kindness. Like he suddenly remembers not to behave in a horrible way. It’s all me, me, me and now, now, now. I feel on edge and then feel terrible for feeling like it. He has got an 18 game on his console which I know isn’t good but I haven’t faced the inevitable row. Then he asked to go out tomor and I said no as we agreed he would study, so he could study then go later. Lots of door slamming ensued. How do we get through this?? It’s really not fun. I keep losing my temper which is making it worse.

My DS is talking to me way less than he ever did and is just in his room mostly. We just have to wait it out until they come back. It’s just me him so very noticeable

Very sorry to hear things are so hard. I have no real words of wisdom. Just lots of sympathy and wishes for the phase not to last too long. Its a very hard balance between acceptance and setting boundaries/having the hard conversations to be respected and to keep them safe.

My DD is just so challenging right now and I know that I am failing on every level.

She has dyspraxia which means she finds some things difficult but also gives her a convenient excuse to do very little.

her room is disgusting - clothes thrown out of the wardrobe and on the floor, she refuses to do simple things like use the air fryer and instead eats just junk.

she was asked to bring down the hoover yesterday and dragged by the nozzle and let it fall down the stairs breaking it.

I have tried showing her nicely, coaxing , encouraging, then shouting but nothing works/

I was away with work and my DM came over. She means well but she called me today in work basically telling me that I am in no way making her ready for the world and am doing it all wrong. I know I am failing with her so I got all self pitying on the call and started crying.

I am not doing her or me any good but I just can’t seem to get my shit together with her

Sending loads of sympathy to everyone on here. I am so grateful to have found you. DD2 was a nightmare yesterday but we ended up having a big chat and getting some stuff out in the open so at least that’s something

I just feel so overwhelmed by her sometimes, and she was dragging her older sister into it as well and accusing me basically of being an appalling mother. Says her Dad is fine but I apparently “scream” at her all the time??!!! Which is a complete lie. If she KNEW the patience!!

Thankfully my DH was there and totally backed me up, as did my older daughter later who said it “sounded like hyperbole” to her (love that!).

But blimey she knows what buttons to press. Took all my strength to shake myself and go back to have the conversation, rather than running away, which is what I really really wanted to do.

both DH and I feel like we are failing miserably and I honestly don’t know how to fix it. I feel like if they were younger we could pack up and move and scale back life and try to regain some control, but we’re in too deep. Too many roots. The kids are too entrenched at school. The almost teen would lose her mind.

I know it’s not really the answer, but the fantasy means less guilt than the one where I run away alone.

I often think like this but I try to remind myself that really the only solution is actually to deal with the issues here - I am not sure my DD would change somewhere else

With my one teen girl I’m just perplexed. Hurt. Feeling rejected. Like im not enough. And angry at being made a mug of. So much emotion wrapped up in one, largely ungrateful, person.

my Husband and I sometimes wonder where we have gone wrong and what we could have done better. We’ve really tried.