Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Hi fellow survivors. Mine refused school today and had her phone taken as a consequence when she was unable to say why she wouldn’t go (given ample opportunity to talk if there was a problem). Has spent the day calling me names, swearing and generally being unpleasant. Just now, she’s said that she hopes I die soon (after all, I am old and fat so deserve to, apparently) as that’ll be exciting for her cause she won’t have to put up with me and might get to live with another family. This was after she yelled out of her open window that I’m a ‘fatherless cunt’. What a start to the new term, eh?

Read this and didn't want to not say anything - I hope you are OK. I hope you have some support. I bet she'll be an absolutely angel in future - I just hope 'in future' isn't too far away

High school is so tough and this is bullying and you should report to the Head. No wonder young people are SH, going off the rails and using when such hatred is in their daily lives. Deal with these spiteful bullying spineless "friends". They have nothing going for them so they pick on people that do. Waste of space. Maybe look at a better school, I know they all have their problems, but even so.... nip in the bud. And quick, is my advice (my daughter went to hell and back and hated high school). Much happier now she left and started college.

I'm so sorry - this is such a thankless task isn't it? Just know she doesnt mean any of it!

How are you all?

Thank you for asking, @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom . Pretty quiet here - the school year is over (well, the tests are), so we are all in a better mood. Our current topics are the curfew and alcohol, but as far as I'm aware, everything is sort of ok.
How are you?

Well DD now 18. Touchwood I think we’re getting to a better place.

Just joined this thread. I'm really worried about my 13 Yr old grandson. His personality has completely changed, he's getting into trouble constantly at school. He's disrespectful to his parents and is usually only nice when he wants something. They've tried rewarding him for no detentions, confiscating his phone, play station etc. He gets to school and it all goes out the window. Any advice would be appreciated.

So glad your DH backed you up. Mine doesn't.

@Mollyplop999 would you be able to have a heart-to-heart with your grandson about what school is like for him? No judgement, no telling him to behave better.

Ask him about the best and worst teachers, his friends, lunch breaks, how he feels in lessons. What he feels that he is good or bad at. Don’t mention the behaviour or tell him to try harder.

Maybe he is dyslexic, (misbehaves to avoid working) has trouble making friends (so misbehaves to be “cool”), or is being singled out by teachers (yes, this happens). Try and get to the bottom of it, slowly, over time - it’s not an interrogation!

As his grandparent you could be his “safe space” to offload and to be honest without getting “told off”. My son ended up in a cycle of misbehaviour and punishment at school, and he couldn’t break out of it. It was relentless. Home was largely safe and peaceful because we understood exactly why the behaviour was happening (unlike school!).

I firmly believe that all behaviour is communication, and that young people need to be listened to more, not punished as the “go to” - punishment makes us adults feel like we are doing something useful, but doesn’t actually help much long-term.

Mumofteens4892 thank you for replying. He does struggle academically at school and his parents have had various meetings with school. In primary school he did have a SENCO for the first 2 years and had to wear ear defenders at break time. He come a long way from that . The school are aware of some of his behaviours and to be fair have accommodated them. He likes school and actually has friends now, whereas he never did. He's not violent in any way. It's really stupid things that he's getting detentions for, mainly turning round and talking when he's been warned. I've chatted to him and he said he wpuld try and think about his behaviour but the next day he received a detention. I totally get that he can't help some of, he is quite young for his age, no interest in girls unlike some of his friends. Because he struggles, he's in with a lot of kids who are quite disruptive(I don't mean all of them, so it's not a generalisation) and they don't help. He's easily led and easily distracted. I just don't want him to get "labelled " a trouble maker as I'm sure it's a phase.

Not easy.

how are you all tonight.

im on the vino 😃

Could do with a hand hold.

My ExH left for the OW 12 yrs ago. The DDs were 14wks, 2 and 6 at the time. The next year, I met a lovely man who has raised my children as his own since DD3 was around a year old.

Since then, ExH has had them EOW and has lived in a couple of places (each more than an hour away). For the last year or two, DD1 has been going to his house less and less because of plans with friends here. Over the last few months DD2 also started doing this. She also has a bf that she likes to hang out with.

DD1 has ASC and can be quite difficult. She's quite lazy, can be very selfish and demanding (eg demanding lifts when she could easily get a bus home, putting clothes she hasn't even worn into the laundry, leaving plates of food in her room where our cat could eat them, only phoning when she wants money, lying about what she's spending the money on etc). Whenever I'd speak to her about her behaviour, she'd call dad and I'd get crappy text messages/calls from him.

Last month, he told me he was moving closer (20 mins away) on the other side of the town we live in. And coincidently, in the same place as DD2's bf.

He moved in two weeks ago and told me DD1 (17) is now living with him. After the kids kept randomly going to his house to stay after school for a week (without telling me) and me saying this was not really sustainable, he sent me a spreadsheet for my nights with DD2 (14) and DD3 (12).

He's always been a bit of a Disney 'cool' dad, allowing the kids things I didn't feel were right (for example a belly button ring for DD2 when she was 13) and painting me as a bad mum for insisting on certain standards of behaviour.

I was always the main bread winner when we were married, but as a single mum of three I took a much more junior role to be able to be there for my DDs. His career has shot up since and he now earns more than double what I do, though has always sought to reduce his maintenance.

For the last week, I've been inundated with numerous CMS letters including one saying I was no longer DD1's resident parent (that hurt).

I just feel shell shocked.

And hurt.

Actually I think that's the main feeling - hurt.

Hi - I am so sorry. I have no real wisdom but what a tough (and unfair) situation. I have several friends in similar binds - took a step back from career to put kids first after divorce and now earning less, trying to instil higher standards than the dad and kids then seemingly preferring to be with their 'cool' dad during teen years etc...It's unfair but my belief is when they become older teens or young adults DCs will realise all your sacrifices and be better humans for the model you have been to them. I would be resentful and mad, frankly, but if you can stay dignified and consistent as a parent I really believe your DDs will respect you and come back towards you later. Many Men revert back to teens when their kids become teens - either fighting with them or being the cool friend rather than parent. We tend to do the adult work. it's super tough!!!! Hang in there.

Sounds stressful. I did a really stupid thing and 'moved in' with my dad as a teen. It lasted a few days because I realised it was ridiculous and I belonged with my mum. Have you spoken to DS. If she really wants this then I suppose not much you can do other than keep trying to see her/ be with her until she realises dad's house is not paradise once you live there rather than visit. He sounds like he still enjoys upsetting you 12 years later...

I think he's very much enjoying it. DD3 asked whether I was okay last night. I reassured her that I was okay but it had all come as bit of a shock because although they have known the plan for months (he told them not to tell me), I had only just found out. She replied that her dad had said that 'it would be like ripping a Band-Aid off'.

what an idiot. Seems like comms with the DCs will be the most important thing. I'd feeling pretty angry I think but you'll find a way through it

Awful op.
Does he really think he is entitled to maintenance? Is the 17 year old at college?

To be fair to him, he’s not asked me for maintenance for her. Just stopped paying for her which seems fair as he earns more than double what I do.

Have been clearing out her room today so DD2 can have it. Was shocked to find 2 empty bottles of vodka and an empty bottle of Prosecco.

She’s still at school doing A-levels at the moment.

its hard to talk to her as she has ASC and doesn’t open up.

This is the only place I can say this tonight but, God, I feel so sad and disappointed. We had to attend a high school music show because her primary age sibling was taking part. So, so, so many of the teen’s former friends were there, joining in, taking part, laughing with their friends, being happy while she sat on her own at home staring at her bloody phone again with no interest in anything else. I hate feeling jealous but I was so jealous of the other parents taking pride in their teenage children. I am an awful person.

You’re not an awful person. Please accept a hug from me.

Oh I get you @Sinequa DD has started floating not going to prom (after I’ve spent £280 on the whole shebang) & I feel so sad & jealous & angry about all the teens who will be having fun with their friends.

You’re not an awful person! It’s so hard but we have to fight comparisons! I often feel inadequate but think about positives too. Also this is a phase. Look after yourself.

I totally get it. My dd has failed all of her GCSES. I think she only sat 3 papers in total.

I work at her school, so seeing hundreds of kids revising, excited and achieving and mine is panicking wanting to stay in bed.
It is bloody hard.

And I have aged about 10 years. Every day is a battle.