Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Thanks, yes it’s a minefield as the posts are offensive and have caused problems and it’s difficult to know who’s said what now. Devices have been removed for protection to ensure that any further posts/upset cannot be from our end but it’s difficult and feels as if we are being accusatory when we’re just trying to do the right thing. Obviously the posts could be from us and it’s just a line but I really don’t know. I absolutely hate phones now and am unsure how we reintroduce it safely. I’d rather throw the phone into the ocean!

I loathe social media with a passion now.

At least with forums there's usually moderators and limits.

Thinking of you all tonight.
this is a bloody nightmare, hope you’re all ok.

How are things?

mine are ok tonight so I’m relishing the peace …

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom Long may it last!!

My eldest hasnt been too bad, instead his younger brother is currently shouting (Probably so much the neighbours can here) about how I am a stupid parent and that his friend has said he can move in with him and his mum .... currently in my bedroom; trying to ignore him as whatever I say / however I say it, it seems to aggravate the issue which isnt helping.

I’ve just discovered my DS has put a back door bypass on his computer to get around parental controls and accessing porn. I’ve not gone ape but am still processing what he might have seen, what’s available out there. Apparently all the early teen boys at school are doing it. Methinks not! I expected curiosity but not this. I feel a fool. He’s been clever enough to load a VPN which I don’t really understand but won’t read a book. Modern parenting is hard!!!

@Fififizz Oh no! I absolutely detest modern technology and all the added issues it seems to have brought for our generation/ their generation.

Our disagreement was because I asked why he didnt attend the revision class after school like he had a) been asked too by his teacher & I & b) he text after school to say thats where he was.

He flew off the handle and said I had no right to challenge him and he can do what he likes, I just need to go away (said slightly less politely), I stupidly tried to explain that revising is important but I would also like to know where he is etc so I know he is safe - which prompted nearly 2 hours of shouting / door slamming that his friend has said he can go live there because his mum doesnt keep tabs on him like a toddler and that I am the worse parent / dont have a clue how to parent because if I did then he & his brother would respect me more.

When they start shouting at you about how crap a parent you are I find it’s best to let them just go on and on and not engage. Because none of us are awful parents or we wouldn’t be on this site trying to get solidarity and advice. More importantly they know you are not terrible at parenting - they just want their own way and will say anything to get it.

@MrsB2005
I know. I wasn’t great at parental controls but we had some. A VPN bypasses these. It’s all so technical and where there’s a will there’s a way.

I get you regarding the push back too. In addition to the porn we get the same treatment….Especially abuse aimed at me!

It’s far worse than I ever imagined the teen years would be and so far removed from how I would have dared behave.

The crap parent stuff is disheartening when we try so hard, care so much and are parenting in different and difficult times.

How are you all this rainy Sunday x

one of mine working, one studying and one with nana. We’ve enjoyed the break but now we have to encourage studying as they’ve an exam on Friday.

I’ll be glad when both of mines big exams are over. It’s been stressful.

anyone else having to watch how much they’re drinking? Would be easy to trickle into too much….

Glad it sounds more peaceful. Enjoy it. I’m trying a new tack of being clearer about boundaries and tougher. My son’s ASC and just hasn’t been getting the messages I’ve being trying to instil. The phone’s been returned but is now a massive bargaining chip which I intend to utilise. I can’t tolerate alcohol now due to menopause but if I could there wouldn’t be enough wine in the world some days. So yes, I can see it would be easy to slip into that.

Joining the thread as my 14yr old DS seems to have spectacularly fucked up by 'kissing' his best friend's ex gf.

Never saw this coming and is denying it all but his gang of mates have decided its not on and aren't talking to him.

Supposed to be taking them all out next weekend to celebrate his birthday so god knows how that is going to pan out.

I've always assumed teenage boys were easier but my teenage DD is a dream compared to the friendship issues my DS has had.

Just fed up with the whole bloody drama of it all and the effect it has on me especially. DH is just well he'll have to deal with it etc etc and nothing we can do. Arghhh.

I agree with your DH. Not much you can do sadly.

@Sallycinnamum
I don’t think you can do much other than when it’s calmer talk about it and ensure he understands how feelings could be hurt by his actions. Easier said than done though, especially as their knee jerk reaction is often denial, bluster, deflection. Well that’s what happens with my DS. The timing sucks though with his birthday party plans. We had similar with the removal of the mobile phone the week before last and then a flat refusal to go to a concert he’d wanted to see and I’d shelled out on tickets for.

Eldest has just punched me. An argument erupted yet again as I was asking her to tidy up. This was after we came in and she promptly went on the toilet for an hour (we have one main bathroom and one ‘outside’ loo so we never use that one) she often comes in and immediately hogs the toilet - partly as a way of getting out of jobs and because she refuses to use a toilet in school : rest room etc

She started screaming full pelt in my face and I went told her to stop screaming and to just stop and go in the room. I went towards her - she was in the hall way outside her room) and I’m not sure what happened I felt what felt like a fist collide with a jaw hard. I’m not even sure if I blacked out for a second. I burst into tears and my face was throbbing and I went in the kitchen and she followed me shouting I’m sorry. I told her to get out and she did. Youngest was then winding her up pulling faces at her through the window and so I put him out too as I just couldn’t handle it. They said they were cold (it’s not raining here) so I put their coats on the front door step and told them to go, that I just couldn’t handle them right now. I’ve had an ice pack on my face for 20 minutes and it’s painful and swollen and my teeth although sore and my mouth was bleeding on the inside but it has stopped. I phoned my best friend but she is out. I don’t know where they have gone plenty of local parks etc we live in a nice town. My face is slightly swollen but I’m sure will change colour later. How the hell am o going to go to work? Another friend said phone the police - but that’s her university and Cambridge prospects gone - she’s a head girl and straight A star pupil and so bloody lovely at school. I’m utterly humiliated. I have no family. I am a single parent. I’m crying my eyes out. What a shit show. I just wanted them to stop chucking stuff everywhere - pants in the hall way. Etc and to tidy up.

What a total shit show and my jaw aches

Does your daughter's school have counselors that you could talk to? Or an outside therapist? You may not want to involve the police but she did assault you and this could happen again, not just to you but someone else who WILL call the police. I am so sorry this happened to you, I can totally sympathise, as a fellow single mum going through my own teenage daughter nightmare.

Hello everyone. I'm just reading through some posts and you have my sympathies! I have three teenagers but it is DS 14 who is currently stressing me out. He just seems to hate me so much. 🥲 Had an hour of him shouting in my face that I should kill myself and then he started tearing up my stuff. I don't know what to do but I am actually quite scared of him as he's bigger than me and when he gets riled up, it's awful. I don't know why but this rage seems to come out of nowhere and we're walking on eggshells. He even wakes me up in the night as he knows I can't get back to sleep so I always feel exhausted. School is no help but there are attendance problems. Where has this come from??

@Myteenhatesme
I can relate. My DS seems permanently angry just beneath the surface and with a hair trigger. He’s recently been on a phone ban and whilst still pretty bad he was a bit less anxious it seemed to me. He’s been given it back this weekend and today I’ve noticed the reverting/regression backwards. I tried to set parental controls but somehow he’s blocked me from doing that and installed a VPN. I’m not tech savvy but it’s a back door as I understand it and allows you to bypass blocks. It’s a nightmare but I think for us it’s soc media and his ASC plus hormones. Does your son have any undiagnosed SEN do you think? That can be a big part of the problem.

Yes it does but I work there hence the issue she won’t talk to anyone at school and tarnish her ‘golden image’ of being the wonder child. She doesn’t tell me anything she does at school.

My entire face is now swollen and my chin and jaw is purple. We’ve spoken but she didn’t say a lot. She has gone and sat in her messy room on the floor and read a book. But that’s it. It’s a total shit show.

Even just now I asked them both to clear up the stuff dvds etc they have both pulled out in the lounge and got a whole load of lip and back chat from both of them. I still feel dazed and have taken pain killers. Meant to go to Tesco and didn’t so that’s dinner buggered. Maybe eldest can go and buy a Chinese for everyone ?

Does your son have any undiagnosed SEN do you think? That can be a big part of the problem.
@Fififizz I wouldn't be surprised if he did but I don't live in the UK snd it's almost impossible to get a diagnosis here as there is a lot of stigma attached to "labels". I am seeing a counsellor that is meant to help (school pushed me into this and I don't want to seem unwilling) but advice has been a bit useless tbh.

I’ve just bought the explosive child by Dr Ross Greene, it’s aimed at a slightly younger age possibly but I thought it might help. These children require a completely different approach and traditional ideas and methods don’t work. In part I blame our not understanding soc media thougb and how toxic it can be. I waa completely unaware what could be accessed and my DS never talked to me. I’m horrified but now the genie’s out of the bottle and so not sure what to do next. A complete ban is my gut feeling but my rational brain’s saying that just won’t work 🙈🤷‍♀️

@Fififizz Thanks. I'll take a look at that. I agree that it's not easy just to cut off social media unless everyone else does too! I hope you manage to find a compromise.

rocksonthebeach - how’s your face x

A small but really delightful event - older son has cooked dinner for us. So grateful as Im tired to the bone!

That is lovely @DancesWithDucks