Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Yes, it’s going to be relentless. I actually feel exhausted it’s like we’ve staged an intervention which I suppose we have!

we have never bought ours smart phones - dumb phone only for safety and ‘pick me up from friends’ texts. The kids obviously access internet on laptop for homework but otherwise only use it to watch bbc iplayer or YouTube series and my son only ever uses it in the same room as us (with headphones if watching something). So I know they are not accessing anything they shouldn’t. At nearly 15 he has never asked for a smart phone, says he doesn’t want to become addicted like everyone else - but I do worry that he is starting to miss out socially.. but maybe I shouldn’t offer it til he raises it? It seems like once they have it - it becomes a battle ground? Do your kids actually socialise on the phone or just watch cat videos :)

@Outd00rs
If they’re not asking, based on my experience, I wouldn’t be pushing. You’ve covering the basics. For us it’s like trying to put the genie back in the bottle but I suppose some kids handle tech well we’re just learning ours doesn’t the hard way!

Definitely don't push. Like Fififizz says, once the genie's out of the bottle you can't put it back.

Tiktok, Youtube, Twitter, almost everything on SM is designed to be addictive and it succeeds. It shortens attention span and you just can't get them off it.

My older socializes on it but I dread to think what goes on at times. It's all very well saying "control what your children see" but when you've got a kid who goes into meltdowns if you try to impose limits, and is much too skilful at hiding stuff he doesn't want you to see, what are you supposed to do? we are human too and facing the screaming and shouting is just ... I can't do it any more.

This is our situation. It’s not even been 24 hours and the full on assault to try get me to back down, allow limited access etc etc is unrelenting. Also I’m the one who gets this treatment so it’s pitting parent against parent and to some extent school by suggesting they think blocks and limits are ok to manage things. We’re beyond that imo and it’s how we install values and build trust going forwards when we appear to have failed so far. 🙈

Yes also agree re social media hasn't helped, depending on DC, many teens can self regulate one of mine much more than the other. We reintroduced some restrictions after abuse of use & it has helped. Even adults find it difficult to self regulate phone use.

Anyone read Jonathon Haidt new book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness?

@duvet
Interesting you can see the difference between your children’s use. The current kicking off about it in our house points to almost addiction and it’s not pretty. It’s been happening right under our noses and yes we’ve put sport, music lessons, other activities in place so had been less aware of the insidious creep. To think in lockdown I was so grateful for devices as a
means to be sociable. It’s bitten us on the bum now!

Haven’t read the book, sounds interesting. Someone at school mentioned soc media being the biggest social experiment of our time. I’m inclined to agree. We weren’t at all prepared for parenting around this.

Just wanted to say hi to everyone. Long time lurker on Mumsnet, first time poster. We have a 17-year-old son and one other, but he's not a teenager (he's defo a prenager though!). DS1 and DH not getting along well at the moment, and it's hard. 😫

oooh thanks Peloton46! looks fab. i actually think this is the same app that my DD has started using recently. It came from her school recommendation and its been incredible for her mental health and teaching her about her period which she was super nervous about, bless her. I think its the same time as swimming lessons, but will send hubby along!!

oooh thanks Peloton46! looks fab. i actually think this is the same app that my DD has started using recently. It came from her school recommendation and its been incredible for her mental health and teaching her about her period which she was super nervous about, bless her. I think its the same time as swimming lessons, but will send hubby along!!

@FunScroller
Welcome, good to have you here.

Ok, so has anyone come across kids making fake Snapchat accounts etc and posting posing as another? Sounded a bit far fetched to me and I was being fed a line but according to a google search it’s perfectly doable. Just wondering if it’s happening and is a thing?

The more I’m learning the more I’m horrified by what can go wrong online. I feel whoever said it’s not the world wide web but the wild wild West wasn’t far off the mark. 🙈

@Rocksonabeach sending hugs and solidarity. My youngest dd is 17 and also autistic. Lots and lots of issues. She’s been out of school since September so has missed most of year 12. She’s at a new school and thinks she’s going to waltz back in and sit A levels next summer! School have been supportive but realistic. Dd doesn’t accept her diagnosis, blames me/the psychologist/her old school. So hard

Ok, so has anyone come across kids making fake Snapchat accounts etc and posting posing as another? Sounded a bit far fetched to me and I was being fed a line but according to a google search it’s perfectly doable. Just wondering if it’s happening and is a thing?

I know it happens a lot. Son's had it happen to him on a chat program called Discord and I suspect he's done it too :(

Love this! Mum of 1 DD and teacher here so looks right up my street! Have signed up to listen to what’s being said - so good it’s free! Thanks for sharing 🙏

Thanks Dances, when I was first told it sounded like such a line and a, well you would say that wouldn’t you, thing. Now I’m calmer and had chance to look into it I can see it was possible. Just wasn’t sure how prevalent it was. Your answer helps although I don’t know how much it can be investigated. My child doesn’t have any screenshots of the problematic snaps unfortunately.

Sounds hard and resonates. I get the backlash/blame for absolutely everything that goes wrong in my teens life regardless of how far removed from the situation I am. Not the same behaviour towards dad. It’s so very wearing.

Please can I join ... I've been reading the thread for the last couple of days and at last feel like it might not be my parenting that mean my teenager (s) are just awful.

We have 2 teenager boys - 15 & 16, and whilst they are both pretty awful the eldest reduces me to tears multiple times a day, the lying (mostly silly little things), the taking stuff without asking, hurting younger siblings, excessive SM usage ... whatever I do, he seems to find a way around and school just tell me he's one of the nicest sixth form students.

I dread him coming home from school ... i cant relax in my own home, we are all on tender hooks around him .... But to the outside world hes "a darling"

People tell me the fact they can be different outside the home is a positive but ditto to all you say here at home. I just worry the home behaviour is indicative of the fact they’re going off the rails and a reflection on our failing attempts to parent. I do feel sadly though this generation is part being parented by SM and for us in our house that’s a problem. Other kids seem able to discriminate and make better choices than our teenager.

@Fififizz Oh I totally agree about SM!

He did delete it for a few weeks a while back and it seemed like he was turning a corner and at least listening to what others had to say especially about priorities and school work etc but hes back on it now and seems to spend, what I believe, is excessive amounts of time. He has been warned that I will remove his phone completely if he cant / wont curb it but so far its fallen on deaf ears.

We’ve removed access and it’s been painful, day 3, but in its absence a film has been watched and been far keener to go to football training, so I can see tiny positives. Going to have to create a plan to earn it back though in incremental steps I think. Policing that where we’ve struggled before isn’t going to be easy. School have banned phones now as per government guidance.

@MrsB2005
I always forget to tag my replies.

@Fififizz about the posing as someone else ... I used to play an on line game and now you mention it, I remember someone doing just that. It was a very odd thing. I wondered what had been said to people, that apparently came from me and didn't. It was rather hard to convince people that it wasn't actually me. I can imagine that it's an utter minefield for teens, some of whom have no sense of when the hell to stop.