Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Agree RE camhs my daughter actually became terrified of the camhs building.

She did have one woman who was really helpful but it is hit amd miss. The next therapist wasn't as nice.

She was sick of being told to have a bath if stressed.

My teen is doing better over all, but not too well in school. She needs to study more/better... like many of yours, she knows everything and doesn't take advice.
We've implemented some rules (no going out until studying done, minimum studying periods per day); it feels really stupid, at 15, but her stated goal is to continue at this (selective) school and if she can't get herself organized, we'll help her by making it a rule.

As a carrot, I'm taking her and her BF on a city break for a long weekend during their next school vacation in February. DH and I have been invited to BF's parents' place for a meal, which I find a bit stressful at this stage, but I gather they are very social people so I guess it's not unusual for them.

We took the teens out for tea tonight.,just pizza. Had a good time. There was no fighting. Was an expensive pizza but worth the money for a couple of hours of connection.

@Billybagpuss thank you for your lovely post.

My dd is horribly rude to me and dh, recently when I pulled her up after telling dh to f* off, she said ‘I’ll respect you both when I get a decent level of respect towards me and I haven’t been getting that so don’t expect me to respect you’. We are polite and reasonable and respect her wishes on most things. I just don’t see how I can make her see she is the problem here.

You have no idea how grateful I am for you all

for adding context

for adding solidarity

I am so grateful

thank you

Otherwise I’d feel so inferior

Thank you

Oh I had that, she even looked up ‘respect’ in a dictionary and tried to legally argue it out. Oddly now a lawyer 🙄

that’s one of those things you probably just have to ignore, other than maybe asking for an example of when you’ve asked her to F off.

@WickerShit I can tell you my solution, but I can’t tell you if it is working yet! It is to get my own therapy, spend a lot more time with my friends, and focus on my own fitness and career. All this is to make sure I am strong, have the right perspective on things, have enough money, and am able to help my DSs without crumbling myself.

As @TamingShewolf said, it is the little things we do for them every day that have the most impact on how they feel. Not “professionals”. But we can’t do these things effectively if we are broken. I have been there.

Our body language, tone of voice, reactions to things - all this affects our teens massively. By getting ourselves in a good place, and not “breaking” under the dysfunction, we can help them. Oh it’s so easy to say…

We are going through a particularly shit time at the moment, I’m coping better than I have in the past rn.

I’ll report back after a few more of my therapy sessions!

This is 100% the right approach, things improved dramatically for me when I shifted the focus to me. As I said upthread being less available 24/7 so walking (with phone switched off) scuba (phone doesn’t work underwater) made a massive difference . Some of their urgent histrionics they worked through themselves and were excited to tell me when I got back but more importantly you can not help anyone if you’re broken so I was better when I was around.

Thank you @Billybagpuss There have been a few rare occasions when Dh or I have lost our tempers, sworn or uttered a few choice words under our breath. We always apologise. But dd is a master grudge holder and rather than remember the 9 times out of 10 we’ve been patient, kind and understanding, she hangs onto our rare transgressions.

Advice needed please.
My daughter who is nearly 15 has been going out with a boy in her year at school for the past 4 months. To me it seems to be quite intense. She constantly asks for him to come over which we allow as long as we are in the house. He stays for tea and into the evening which is fine but as soon as he goes it isn’t long before she asks when he can come round again (She does go over to his now and again). For example he came over here on Saturday afternoon and left late evening. She is going over his on Thursday but wants him over ours on Tuesday which I really don’t want to say yes to. Both me & my husband are finding it all a bit too much and worry that she’ll end up losing friends too.

Am fed up that DD1 (18) never responds to my text messages. Just feels rude and hurtful, especially as she messages her sister all the time. DH thinks I am over reacting to be sad about this, but then he said he felt angry when he realised he was blanking her too, and has had to step back to avoid getting upset.

Not sure how to handle it for the best. One friend says I should be expecting to have a phonecall with DD weekly 😯as that's what she did when her son went to uni. Another friend said to give her space, which seems more sensible, but also risks the gap between us getting even wider...

Thoughts? Anyone experienced similar? She only came home for a week at Christmas and I am still sad about that too. Feel like I've failed as a parent.

My dds boyfriend is here all of the time. Every day. Her mates all do the same thing. They do see mates at parties etc.

It's not ideal. I guess I don't mind as at least I know where they are. He makes her happy and we need that right now. So worry if goes wrong though.

Sorry no experience. It does sound tough though. How often is she in contact?

Does she answer the phone if you call?

It must be hard. I suppose they are trying to find their own way. Heartbreaking though.

Thanks for replying @Newtoniannechanics. Feeling a bit wobbly here. Will pull self together...

She doesn't answer if I call. She will pick up if DH calls. No massive (or minor) rows, nothing that could give a hint of any reason she'd want me out of her life. Just a complete refusal to engage.

Maybe I should stop trying? Just feels so bleak and weird to do that with no explanation or reason 😥.

She speaks to DD2 most days, sometimes for hours.

Welcome @air261217 gosh that sounds so tough. This is a lovely supportive group and I hope it brings you some comfort.

Has she said anything to your DD2 as to why she doesn't answer?

Who pays for the phone? If you do - insist a once a day text

Baby T rex was on a winger today. Early drop off at school for a school trip. She had to take food etc - lovely day. Without her! But it was an hour there and back to drop her off and again this evening and then she was late back so 3 hours for her.

she was grateful though but then…. Asked nicely to put her fresh laundry away was mimicking my voice and rolling her eye. So I went to take the tub of beautifully folded up laundry back and she hit my wrist and yanked it breaking the tub - little witch 🧙. So she was sent straight to her room. Little bugger. And breathe …..

@Rocksonabeach , sounds familiar. Mine is off at a school camp (until Friday). Nobody told them what to pack! Of course they did, she just missed the e-mail because she doesn't check them regularly and doesn't remember. It took her many hours yesterday to be halfway ready, this morning she was screaming at us because she couldn't manoeuvre a piece of equipment minutes before she had to leave. Why? Because she never made sure she could do it. I'm sick of her half-assing everything (except shopping and planning her next purchase).
I'm worried about her, that her incompetence and laziness will make her lose friends and that she will never accomplish anything. That's the crux of the matter for me, I am very, very worried about how she's doing now and what that means for the future.

I feel your pain -

she’s just literally tornadoed through the house screaming I can’t find my school clothes (they have to wear a suit - she has least 4 suits and about least 20 suitable school tops) she has 9 pairs of suitable school shoes (office wear, boots etc ).

All that beautiful laundry - dumped in a huge pile on her floor -she’s literally rampaging through the house in a temper -…

I’m dressed, her younger sibling is dressed - it’s gone silent now …. I bet you 99% this is because she scrolling on her phone. As she’s not showered, brushed her hair or teeth. Wish me luck as I go into the T Rex’s lair 🤦‍♀️

Good luck, @Rocksonabeach ! Solidarity.

So glad to have found this thread I’m feeling really low. Solo parent of 2 teens my son 15 is the one I’m concerned about and I’m at my wits end.

Not sure where to begin and it will be long I do apologise.

split with his dad 4 years ago (cheating on his part) sons relationship wasn’t the best with him before the split it’s now non-existent - father has an authoritarian approach.

son has adhd and is basically full of rage at the world he has been smoking weed for last 12 months which has ramped up to almost daily use in last 3 weeks.

he has had meltdowns at home resulting in holes in walls and damage to furniture. I have confiscated his electronics as a consequence - It got so bad the other day I called police to help. He has also been self harming and when that upset does it again has also threatened suicide numerous times. Said some awful things to me during the meltdown that still hurt if I’m honest.

he absolutely refuses any kind of therapy and it’s a job to get him to stay at school.

I try to be firm but fair and sometimes so relieved if he stays overnight at friends just for respite but then god knows what he’s getting upto as friends parents rules are non-existent.

for the recent meltdown in addition to confiscating his electronics I’ve told him I won’t be giving cash anymore (as I strongly believe it goes on weed as he doesn’t have a job) and also not giving him a birthday gift. Too harsh? Sometimes I feel I’ve been too soft due to split with their dad and my own abusive upbringing. I just don’t know which way is up or down and my own mental health is in the gutter.

he was always a cheeky little boy but full of love always hugging and loving now he is just so so angry constantly swearing dropping F bombs and causing damage to the house and just vile to me and his sibling. When he wants something super nice but when not getting his own way just nasty.

thank you for any words of wisdom.

Welcome parentingteen

we totally understand - it’s a roller coaster isn’t it !

@ParentingTeen So sorry you're having a horrible time with him. The only thing I can say is that it will hopefully get better! He won't be a teenager forever and he'll look back on this time and see what he put you through.

There's probably more useful and practical advice out there but for now with my own teenager driving me crazy it's all I can offer

@ParentingTeen. I think no birthday present is a bit harsh. Can you offer trips to cinema etc rather than cash? Weed every day is too much.
Can you see a counsellor to help you deal with it?