Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Thinking of you all this am!

Can I please join in? I've found my people!

My Dd (17) appears to hate me for some reason. I either get spoken to like absolute shit or ignored. She does nothing to pull her weight around the house unless I beg and even then it's huffing and puffing the whole time. I have health problems that flare up and I'm on a waiting list for surgery to help, she knows this, and yet when I ask for the smallest of helping hands it's like I've asked for the world. Meanwhile she gets lifts here there and everywhere whenever she asks for them.

I feel like an absolute failure of a mum, why does she hate me so much? I've done nothing but care and be there for her, her whole life.

I have a younger child too (3), and a lot of this started around 2 years ago, so I wonder if she resents her younger sibling? But how long is she going to continue to punish me for daring to me a mum again? I can't take anymore of it. 😢

She doesn't hate you. But she is taking out her stress on you. She might be like this even without a 3 year old. She might be resentful. Is the 3 year old dad different ? Or maybe she just wants ll the money and time on her!

Can she stay with GP's for a bit.

Downloaded the app & found my thread. My eldest daughter is 13, nearly 14 and the past year, we've faced a lot of challenges.

We always connect so well, tonight I feel like I cannot reach her. Who said parenting teens was easy!

Welcome. We all post intermittently but it’s just good to have the space to share the pain.

I had to speak to DD tonight and as usual she was holed uP in her room. When you knock she always says she’s getting changed and I end up having a whole conversation behind a closed door. How on earth did I get here????

so I said ‘no more. In future you get charged and I come back in 5 minutes. No more behind door conversations. Just needed to get some control back.

i do wonder what she’s doing in there….shes often trying on outfits. I did tell her to be careful about what she posts online. I have seen what her friends post ! I got rolling eyes. I have no access to her social media so I have to pray she’s sensible. Though I never would have had her down as a kid who would use weed but here we are.

Just found this thread and joining - I hope as an honorary member with a 12 year old who makes me want to cry nearly every day. I barely saw him over the Xmas holidays because he became completely nocturnal. He can't stand being around the rest of the family. Either in his room gaming or he wants out with his mates. All I get is grunts in response to questions 99% of the time, only talks to me if he wants food, money or a lift. I spent three hours in his room whilst he was out the other day literally mucking it out with 3 bin bags full of stinking rubbish, and I stupidly expected a gushing thank you - reader - this was not forthcoming! It feels so early for him to be going through these changes. I'm praying that he will come back.

I barely see my 2. I have a dog. He still loves me and is always pleased to see me!

It really is like they have become a different person. Mine is similar. I am able to go in but I soon get asked to leave again or grunted answers.

Ugh…it’s just so difficult.

Hi all,
I hope you don’t mind my joining in.

its so sad to see another series of threads on here due to the same thing.

my dd broke me when she was in her late teens, I told her so and her response was ‘I don’t care’ I felt my whole being was in pieces. You start to heal and are so fragile you just shatter again. Someone on the previous thread series (POTS holding onto the rope) described it like the Japanese kintsugi where the breaks are mended with gold. You will heal and you will become stronger.

Advise I have:
be less available, they want you to help them fix everything, be at their beck and call, yet treat you like shit all the time. I started SCUBA diving, my phone didn’t work under water. Take time for you.
I also started the walk 1000 miles challenge, literally walk for 1 hour a day just getting away and getting some head space really helps.
practise the sentence, please don’t talk to me like that. And absolutely refuse to engage when they are speaking (screaming) etc. even if that means going for a drive around the block.

To the pp whose dd was avoiding ucas form. I had this a lot, if there was something important looming and they were procrastinating they were bloody awful, I’d offer to help and set a time for it, ask them to start writing down a list of good things they’ve done then help just getting them started. Dd is dyslexic so often just writing a couple of paragraphs with her to get her started worked.

Again, TAKE TIME FOR YOU, you are no help to anyone if you are broken.

My DDs are now over 25 things have improved beyond recognition, I feel strong again, we don’t really talk about those years and if I’m honest the pain of it has diminished like the pain of child birth.

this too will pass 💐

This is lovely to hear, thanks for sharing.
I'm liking the idea of the thousand mile walk - I could do with being 1000 miles away sometimes 😀

@Billybagpuss

Thank you for that. Lovely post.

@SwirlyShirly my DD started at that age. It starts then , stayed bad for a while. It's a little better now 16, she's still difficult. Don't you find though that a lot of adults are difficult ? We picked our friends! They are nice to everyone else.
12, 13, 14 was bad. 15/16 a bit better.

As the year 11 work kicks in she's getting more sensible.

@Billybagpuss
That’s such a comfort and hand hold post. I’m still very much ‘in those years’ now.

It is a lovely post. Thank you.

DD makes me cry. I don’t show it but I DO feel broken. Rejected. I try too hard when she’s around. Trying to tell her funny things that have happened, making conversation. She just can’t be bothered with me.

She was a stroppy young teen but at 17 she’s the pits. This is the worst year yet. I realise that’s later than some on this thread.

@Bobsledgirl feel for you. Hear you. Girls can be so mean.

@Billybagpuss
Thank you so much, what a lovely post ♥️

Hello all..can I join? Single mum to two younger teens and just feel so alone trying to deal with their various issues. They take it in turns generally, so currently DD is ok but DS is struggling. He's never been academic and Y10 is not going well. He wants to drop out and make his living as You Tube content creator. Seriously. Done loads of research on it etc but doesn't actually have the technical know how or equipment. Any talk about how far fetched and unlikely it is that he could make a career of it and needs grades to fall back on is met with hurt "you dont believe in me" type stuff. School are v supportive but there's only so much they can do. Additionally he is very naive and young for age in some ways and if he does post online I'm terrified he'll get it wrong and be absolutely roasted at school which will trigger the EBSA that both have flirted with before. Ugh. Can't believe I used to moan about them as biddable primary kids 🙄

Is she year 12? That was a very difficult year for both of mine, they actually both ended up redoing the year elsewhere which helped massively. It’s weird but they do appreciate those funny things you say, my youngest would often store them up and speak about them in a kinder moment.

"If any of you suspect it's more than just irritating teen behaviour please, please seek early support."

CAMHS were shit. There is only one 'mental health' practitioner at our GP (for a town of 30k people). My eldest DC saw this person a while ago and had a horrendous experience the person didn't smile once, repeatedly asked DC why she was there, what they wanted to happen - rolled their eyes appeared frustrated. My DC came out in a terrible state feeling worse than when they went in, felt like it was all their fault. Totally put them off therapy. I wrote a letter of complaint to the surgery. They finally came back saying DC would have to pursue the complaint themselves. The person currently having the mental health breakdown who never wanted to have anything to do with the medical practice again.

Fast forward and now DC2 desperately needs help. Contact GP - still only option is to see the same bloody practitioner again.

"please seek early support."

Both my DC have self-harmed, both have demonstrated suicidal tendencies - if CAMHS and GP can't help what next? What would people recommend the next step is? There are a sea of therapists charging £££s on the internet.

Sorry for long post and sounding arsey and negative but the endless rhetoric about ' ask your friend, daughter, husband - are you alright? ' but with no clear message about what to do if they're not has really got on my tits

Yep @WickerShit I'm with you.

Camhs honestly made things so much worse.

TV together, junk food in bed, screen time, sitting beside her, car journeys with her in passenger seat listening to Arctic Monkeys, making her pancakes, sending her funny memes, a dog walk. These are the things that helped but oh so slowly.

Dd had a break up with her first love in Dec and it's been hideous, mainly as we live in such a small town and she found out he was chatting to someone else very soon after. 3 weeks of turmoil, a week of tears and trying to accept, reflect, and blocking unwanted messages that were ripping off the scab, and she's straight into a new relationship with one if her ex's friends. He contacted her first, but I'm disappointed that she didn't take my advice to 'not go there'.
I think it's not going to play out well for her.
I'm trying to just enjoy the lack of tears though at the moment!

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I would really love to join!! I have a very lonely 15yr old autistic teen, a 13yr old recovering anorexic and a very bouncy (just found out she is dyslexic) 8yr old!! aghhhh!!! would love to join and have a moan haha x

Right how is everyone?

Baby TRex has actually been pretty good.

She talked to me like * a while ago when I was driving her somewhere and I just stopped the car - reversed and went home. Since then she’s been a bit better.

The favourite phrase is ‘I know’ bloody hell it pushes my buttons if she knows everything how come she doesn’t know how much she is pissing me off.

She signed up to go in a ballot to go and climb six mountains (?) in May at school -12 places and 20 have applied - I hope she gets picked as that a week of peace and quiet!! 😂god knows why she has signed up.
she’s also finally got her medical work experience sorted and something else so - I’m smiling here.

So my baby T rex is doing well here …. I hope that means it doesn’t go to shit tomorrow 😂