Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

@Flyhigher yeah I was thinking no birthday might be too harsh especially if the event is a distant memory when birthday comes along. Re cash I’ve stopped but will have to maybe allow some occasionally whilst encouraging that he get a part time job. My concern is if I completely stop cash it could lead to other problems such as stealing if he thinks he has no choice.

he has point blank refused counseling but I will seek support for myself to see if there are other ways/better ways for me to manage situations with him.

Re: stealing, I think it's a real possibility. A boy of our acquaintance does not get pocket money, has to ask his parents for each individual thing he wants/needs. He is very good with his money and doesn't overspend, but my DD told me that once he stole from his dad's wallet because the dad would not give him money that he wanted/needed. That is a very unnecessary development in any parent/teen relationship, I believe.

Tonight's mini drama is I make dinner and younger daughter doesn't appear. She's too busy chatting to the older one upstairs and "isn't hungry". Turns out she ate at a friend's house.

What do I do? Someone suggested stopping the mobile contracts for both of them but that seems so drastic as I know they have their lives on there...

Older one messaged me. I was so pleased. Turned out DH had told her to, about her passport renewal.

Sick of being ignored or taken for granted but when I complain my younger daughter can be really bitchy and cruel back.

Wish I'd never had children. This totally sucks. I am the breadwinner as my husband is disabled and I am utterly fed up of my life.

Btw older one messaging wasn't today. Was a few days ago

Sorry that sounded so melodramatic out of context! Just fed up of being blanked by my eldest, and it felt this eve like my younger one was behaving similarly.

I wish you could just quit. Like just go, “do you know what? i’m not great at this parenting thing. No one is enjoying this. I’m going to move on. No hard feelings but I want my life back.” Well, I guess plenty of men do that don’t they? Obvs I’m not going to… and I do love them both very much. That’s probably why it hurts so much.

Unemotional, calm, detachment I think is what I need… but how?

Yes it is hard.
Mine can't be bothered doing homework, and when I remember the homework we used to get (I'm old) it's laughable. Always ends in a screaming match.
I refused to make breakfast this morning and stayed in bed, he had to sort himself out.
I hate the laziness.

@Ralphiesaurus my oldest is 15, so he's in the middle of puberty and also autistic.

It's horrible. He's blanked me and it's like he wants nothing to do with me. When I try to impose (very reasonable) limits on his excessive screentime, like a bedtime shutdown, all hell breaks loose and he starts cursing me.

It's absolutely awful. I can sometimes stay calm but all the blocking and all the name-calling is so hurtful. I've withdrawn from him a bit because it just hurts so much.

I sometimes wonder WTF is wrong with our kids that they think can be treated like this?

im not sure it can all be down to our supposed crap parenting surely 😤😔

it’s weird, isn’t it, @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom , how they mutate from perfectly lovely children into these weird and difficult teenagers. My eldest started changing in secondary school - there was a big falling out with her best (only) friend and then she got into a friendship group, which was great for a while, but then they all turned on her. She has absolutely no explanation for what happened… I guess it could just be that some peer groups target someone and are really mean, but it was awful, and she was so defeated by it she kind of gave up. Her reaction was to develop a kind of gruff, stand-offish, persona - which is understandable, but is making it difficult for her to find a part time job, and she’s not getting on with her uni flatmates at all.

I just wanted to be able to be a listening ear, support, have a laugh even about how difficult and bonkers life can be. But she has cut me out and I can’t get past how hurt and upset I am by that. I know I need to move past it but as others have said sometimes it’s really hard…

how they mutate from perfectly lovely children into these weird and difficult teenagers

yes :( well he had his meltdowns as a child, but he was loving. Now I'm dirt on his shoe.

I keep being told that it will pass, that it is literally their brains re-wiring and they are becoming their own person but still need us as the foundations they can build on (ie, be really unpleasant around).

No idea how to cope though. And yes to the desperate sadness that we know nothing about their lives.

@ParentingTeen I am going through something similar with my teen although he is 19 stared when he was 16. Calmed down for a few years when he had a gf but now that's over he's started again. Also think he has ADHD but no diagnosis. Totally get what you mean about them staying at their friend's. You worry but at the same time it is relief to have some respite

@Stuckinarut23 absolutely my son also has ADHD and I believe some anxiety too. He is just plain rude to deal with a lot of the time which I’m struggling with just as much as the other shit he’s upto. I try not to feel guilty about him sleeping over and I’ve even started making myself less available so to speak. By doing things for me, getting out of the house so I’m not around for him to be rude at!

I keep coming back to this thread just to read posts and feel so much better that I'm not alone!

Ditto!

Can I just F***ing scream here?

Teenager was asked (she’s nearly 17) to clear out the bottom of the boiler (has kitchen appliances in ) and put them in the utility room prior to the engineer arriving at 7.30 am this morning to add a radiator in the utility room. She said she had done this before she trundled off to bed last night. At 7.30 am imagine my horror and embarrassment when I open the cupboard for the engineer and not one single thing has been moved. She just shrugged and said there was too much stuff to move. I was LATE for work as it took me 15 minutes to move it all.

Tonight she was asked to take all the cut up veg and beef already cooked yesterday from the fridge and add a curry sauce. And put some rice on. I’ve just got home after running other one to sports activity and she has done nothing and she then screamed at me ‘I don’t know what a curry sauce is….’ Ffs it’s in the cupboard. My arse. I have just made the curry and told them to eat it in the kitchen with the door shut as I don’t want to talk to either of them and especially her. My lounge is a tip and she delighted on telling me they she spent two hours after school learning new make up techniques 😱😱😱😱I’m so angry and breathe 🧘‍♂️

Well you couldn’t make it up. She ate her curry in the kitchen and went to bed…. Leaving her entire meal for me to clean up. I made a cup of tea and exhausted went to bed.

At just gone midnight I am woken up by a dark hooded figure going through my work bag in my bedroom. Scared the crap out of me. The dogs didn’t respond or bark - so I call out ‘T rex what are you doing’ - nothing go back to sleep. Wtf? Now I sit up and shout what are you doing going through my stuff. She screams - nothing. So now proper angry I get up - she shout I was just looking for your iPad charger as I left mine at school! To walk to my bedroom she walks past the hallway and past an entire drawer of chargers - literally - I’ve just checked there are 5 iPad charging leads and there is a docking station in the hallway.

it’s taken the mick proper big time. I’ve just woken up and go her up and she fed the dogs and …. Climbed back into bed! I’m exhausted totally exhausted. Bed at 7 pm for me tonight!

Sad to read these stories but at least we’re not alone,

it’s the constant rejection that gets me.hard for anyone to take regularly.

eugh

i’m sorry 😞

Right.
who wants a weekend away?
im a tea shop and charity shop type of girl, but can pretty much accommodate anything if it means getting away 😃

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I'm in! Charity shops and tea and cake? What's not to love.

Hope you had a better day after your rough start, @Rocksonabeach - that's something I can totally picture my DD doing.

I'm low on energy and just feeling sad about my happy little kids growing up. I don't normally get maudlin about it really but god wasn't it easy when it was all about soft play, Lego and the park?

My DD feels so far from me and I miss her. My DS is doing okay but I'm worried he picks up on tension in the house and my DP and I are having a hard time, just lots of stuff, it feels a bit lonely and I don't know how to parent with connection right now.

Ffs mine is off again. Came home and promptly went on the bath for an hour and a half. An hour and a half. Wallowing like a whale. Then said she was off to bed…..

checked her phone and she is averaging 8 hours a day on her social media. So I’ve taken her phone, her iPad and her laptop. She screaming her head off currently. Mainly at her brother and I’m sick of it.

Her room is a bomb site. Absolutely bomb site. Never any room on her desk. I’m in tears here.

Awww hugs. It is so hard.
How old is she?

The bedroom issue. Know it so well.

The bedroom issue is always a problem here. It makes me cry it’s so bad.

Worst years of my life!! Had no idea what was coming, good job I didn't in a way.. I look at other teenagers and wonder where we went so drastically wrong? I miss the kid my DD used to be. Going through the menopause with teenagers in the mix is blooming hell. Just hope one day we come out the other side as the least battered and bruised as we can!!😞

I feel the same. I work with teenagers. Loads revising being lovely. Mine not so much. I do appreciate mine may seem ok to others but she is definitely not revising.

It's certainly gruelling and not for the faint hearted. Mine always seem to be drawn to wayward kids, so you're always trying to parent against their peers, who they obviously listen to more!!