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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

338 replies

Moomoola · 16/12/2022 07:34

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

OP posts:
CellarBellaatemycoal · 16/12/2022 07:38

Just tell your dd the family have headlice or norovirus or something equally undesirable to a teenager and leave it at that. Save yourself any more drama.

TeenDivided · 16/12/2022 07:43

This is terribly sad. I'd blame the strikes.

To be honest I'm not sure how I'd feel, if I had a gay teen daughter, about visiting a slightly older relative who was trans. I would be worried about influence too, especially if my 'abroad' had meant I had been able to shield her from the gender ideology.

It is sad so many lesbian teens are getting sucked into trans ideology. Their body is their body, their sex is their sex. Giving 'options' that will have lifelong consequences when they are still growing is heartbreaking.

MolliciousIntent · 16/12/2022 07:48

I'm with your SIL tbh, there's no way I'd expose a lesbian 14yr old DD to the risk of social contagion. It's sad for you, but definitely the right choice.

crumpet · 16/12/2022 07:51

Don’t tell your dad a different story - she may find out from her cousin at some point that they were each given a different story. Say it’s strikes and that something may be planned for another time.

crumpet · 16/12/2022 07:52

Dd not dad!

MichelleScarn · 16/12/2022 07:52

MolliciousIntent · 16/12/2022 07:48

I'm with your SIL tbh, there's no way I'd expose a lesbian 14yr old DD to the risk of social contagion. It's sad for you, but definitely the right choice.

Agree with this, I'd not want to expose my young teen to the 'subterfuge and lies' way to operate. Was there conditions to her coming back after running off? Do you now have to conform to her views? I'd also be worried she'd learn that's how to get what you want.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 16/12/2022 07:52

It is sad that young lesbians now often thing there is something wrong with them and they hate being a woman

Maybe I am interpreting it wrong though

But no idea if there is social contagion?! That seems far fetched?!

User135792468 · 16/12/2022 07:55

I agree with your Sil and I would do exactly
the same. Be honest with your dd about why they’re not coming.

TeenDivided · 16/12/2022 07:57

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 16/12/2022 07:52

It is sad that young lesbians now often thing there is something wrong with them and they hate being a woman

Maybe I am interpreting it wrong though

But no idea if there is social contagion?! That seems far fetched?!

Being trans is stunning and brave and cool and makes you the most special and everyone tiptoes around you making sure they use your name and pronouns. Well meaning adults rush to throw normal safeguarding out of the window for you.

Lesbians are none of that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 16/12/2022 07:57

I'd do the same as your SIL. Kids are impressionable and tbh I think that's why a lot of kids now say they're non binary or trans. It's up to you what to tell your child, be honest if you want.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 16/12/2022 07:58

I would do the same as your SIL, sorry.

Anonforthis234 · 16/12/2022 08:00

As the parent of a 'trans' child I would advise your SIL to do exactly what she's doing. Tell your daughter it's due to strikes. Telling her the real reason will only lead to her feeling persecuted and dig her heels in. I wish you the best of luck.

ZenNudist · 16/12/2022 08:03

MolliciousIntent · 16/12/2022 07:48

I'm with your SIL tbh, there's no way I'd expose a lesbian 14yr old DD to the risk of social contagion. It's sad for you, but definitely the right choice.

She's right unfortunately. I'd look to what you can do to get your dc away from the bad influences in her life. A holiday. A trip to relatives?

WandaWomblesaurus · 16/12/2022 08:05

I would do the same as your SIL.
I'm sorry this is happening to your dd. Transgender Trend are useful to talk to.

It's appalling that so many children have been exposed to self harming practices under the rainbow flag. You need support too. Hop over to the feminist chat threads if you need to talk.

www.transgendertrend.com/

wonderingisthisokay · 16/12/2022 08:05

But no idea if there is social contagion?! That seems far fetched?!

It's absolutely social contagion. Just the way everyone had an eating disorder (or claimed to) in my school in the 90's. You can't imagine that every single gender confused teenage girl is doing this purely spontaneously?

OP, it's very sad that your daughter is pulling away from you like this. Have you really not said anything to her at all? Even when she started binding her breasts? Is there some autism in the mix here too, maybe? I think maybe this isn't the right time for you to have guests now anyway - you need to focus on loving and supporting your daughter.

I would not let my impressionable 14 year old stay with you either I'm afraid. It sounds too chatoic, and the lying would really trouble me.

Don't tell your daughter the real reason though. She's already upset enough as it is. I agree with the above - noro, covid or something gross like lice or worms to give her the ick. :)

darkwinterdays · 16/12/2022 08:06

Sympathise with your SIL. Peer pressure amongst teens at that age is so strong & it is so hard to fight against. It used to be anorexia, clothes, goths etc but now it is the trans era which means teens what to make irreversible changes to their bodies. I would be wary as well...

allboysherebutme · 16/12/2022 08:07

I agree with SIL. X

FlamingJingleBells · 16/12/2022 08:17

www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Get in touch with the Bayswater Parent support group, they are experienced in these sorts of situations. They adopt a watchful waiting approach and take the opposite approach to Mermaids.

AliceMcK · 16/12/2022 08:19

How old is your DD? I only ask as I think it’s relevant to the ran off part of the op. If she’s 16/17 same as her friend then I wouldn’t consider that running away as she’s perfectly entitled to leave home at that age. Younger then slightly different and should be handled differently.

Anyway, about the rest, from what I understand your DD is confused about her “gender”, she’s possibly being influenced by her friend. Due to this your SIL has cancelled her trip because she dosnt want her 14yo lesbian daughter to be influenced by your DD and question her own gender. Have I got this right?

If I have then I would absolutely tell your DD the truth. I’d be saying SIL is worried that your younger cousin who looks up to you will start getting gender identity and sexuality confused and right now at 14 she wants her daughter to find her own way. I’d reassure her that they don’t think that your dd would deliberately try influencing her cousin, but as teenagers it’s hard not to get easily influenced, especially by people we look up to.

If the cousin finds out the truth that that’s her mums fault for not being honest with her DD,

countrygirl99 · 16/12/2022 08:20

It doesn't matter what hormones your DDs friend takes she will never "be a man". She's been sold a lie.

spare123 · 16/12/2022 08:20

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I'd probably do the same if I was your SIL. So many young girls are getting irreversible surgery and regretting it. Look at the resources already given, they are useful.

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 16/12/2022 08:22

I'm with your SIL. I would be keeping my child away from this too. The consequences can be extreme and irreversible

Carolservicedeprived · 16/12/2022 08:25

@HowDoYouOwnDisorder
Social contagion is a huge thing amongst teenage girls. Self harm, anorexia etc being trans is the latest thing. Among my daughters' friendship groups hardly anyone goes by their actual name and at least half claim to be trans. That doesn't happen without social contagion.

Bonheurdupasse · 16/12/2022 08:26

I agree with your SIL.
Yes would daughter would probably cause a rucus and feel persecuted if you told her the truth - tell her it's due to the strikes.

Heliumburgers · 16/12/2022 08:26

MolliciousIntent · 16/12/2022 07:48

I'm with your SIL tbh, there's no way I'd expose a lesbian 14yr old DD to the risk of social contagion. It's sad for you, but definitely the right choice.

I agree, it is extraordinarily hard for young lesbians at the moment.
I would tell DD that there are no drugs, binders or operations that will change her sex. We can tell the sex of skeletons from long ago, because it is in their DNA. However what can be done is cause lifelong damage. I would show her some detransitioners talking and say this is what SIL is worried about. Explaining that many young lesions are being pushed down the gender identity route when they are just lesbians, there is so much homophobia in the gender ideology.