Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

[Moomoola]

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

I think Id be less worried by the SIL bit and more concerned about my kid. I dont mean this unkindly but any case where I have seen this happen with kids that age or younger the entire family seems to withdraw any challenge or questioining. Id stop that and start really naming whats going on, breast binders, hormones, trans narrative. Its so harmful for kids that age.

Thanks all.
wonderful to hear voices of reason - Dh can be very dramatic and anxious as can sil so it’s easy to get swept up in it all. I will stick to the strikes story as I agree, being honest will probably make her feel more isolated and persecuted and in the wrong - she is a people pleaser and is seeing this as doing something for herself’ for once. It’s just caused a lot of stress!

she Has said she’s coming home today so I just need to get her home. ( she said the same yesterday) Then I guess I’d better do a lot of research and listening.
I don’t know how, or even if, we can get her away from this person. Dd is sneaking off at every opportunity and it’s bordering on obsessive, to me. I’ve tried to persuede her she needs a balance and school work etc.
she left us a message saying we were making her were dresses and other stuff we’ve never said, which I wonder means she is being persueded.

on sun she went to see her other friend but still needed up at this persons house as this person had ‘ panicked’ when dd didn’t text. That made me very wary as it does sound like dd is being manipulated.
in the past dd has had problems with a friend that would accuse her of not liking her if she didn’t spend hours chatting.

sorry, just getting muddled thoughts out of my system. Thank you for the link wandawomblesaurus
it is social contagion. But yes, easy access to drugs on the internet etc. makes it horrific.
pits also not very reassuring to see this person tbh. I’m sure I’ll get slated, but she/ he looks frankly very wierd .
thanks for your help.

Awful comments on this thread IMO. Please be on your child’s side in all this. That doesn’t mean unquestioning acceptance of her beliefs about gender but it does mean saying you love her and you’ll be on her side no matter what. I think it would be awful if she felt she had ruined Xmas - that’s your SILs choice. DD is still a child and needs your love and support. I think I would be honest about why the visit was cancelled but explain that’s about SIL’s feelings not about anything DD has done wrong.

It looks like from your post your own daughter has been influenced by her friend to this dangerous path. There is nothing in your post that would indicate it is her true desire since she was younger. Your SIL is right to be concerned about social influence as you can clearly see on your own DD's example

Thanks for this. I think part of the problem is we’re supposed to not question anything or we are transphobic. I am able to talk to her a bit - or I was she’s getting more secretive.

she left us a message saying we were making her were dresses and other stuff we’ve never said, which I wonder means she is being persueded

She is being 'persueded' by a very emotionally manipulative person who is putting your DD in charge of their entire mental well being which is damaging her own.

That is not a healthy relationship or friendship.

Personally I would lie for now but would tell her the truth later . She needs to have a chance to defend herself from the bigoted part of the family . As for “ what do I do with my daughter “ well you keep being there for her .

She needs to have a chance to defend herself from the bigoted part of the family

Not bigoted. Protecting their young, gay daughter from a path that is the absolute opposite of self-acceptance.

Sadly, its not. One of my friends has a teen daughter and 10 people in her class now describe themselves as trans. Her daughter is now considering it but hasnt decided either way. There is no way that 10 kids in the same class all have genuine gender dysphoria (which is of course, real but not that common).

I'm with your SIL. Gender ideology' is contagious poison.

I'm with your SIL in that I wouldn't bring my DD either, she's doing the best thing to safeguard her child. This must have been a very difficult and disruptive decision for her. I'd like to your DD on the reasons though. She's obviously going through a tough time and heaping guilt or shame on her, even unintentionally, about ruining the family Christmas won't help her 💐 x

I'd lie to your DD!

The trans movement is very homophobic not matter how it is marketed. I too would protect my gay DD from having to be around homophobia - however it is presented. That said, I believe your daughter is a victim of a damaging ideology too and I wish her all the best. There are a lot of resources around which help you think about how to show your daughter unconditional acceptance as a person whilst trying to help her to see the lies which gender ideology is spreading and accept herself as she is. I wish you and her all the best.

I understand your Sil. Don't make a big fuss just use the strike excuse. I hope you get her back.

Your SIL is doing exactly the right thing.

In your position (and I have been in your position but at an earlier stage in the process) I would do everything possible to remove your DD from the situation she is in. You don't say how old she is but I'm guessing also 17.

Could you book a last minute holiday over Christmas to remove her from this other person for a couple of weeks. I know money is tight for people but this is a priority.

Also make sure you have blocked sites such as discord on your wifi. They're horrendous. Full of trans stuff, pornography and self harming.

I would actually be honest with your DD about the reason. She needs to understand that her actions have consequences. She needs a wake-up call.

She also needs to be kept away from this other girl.

But no idea if there is social contagion?! That seems far fetched

It's really not far fetched. It's happening. So many girls on testosterone. After a time there are irreversible changes. Deeper voice, facial hair, breast removed. They will more than likely become infertile, I cant currently remember the figures and someone will come along and remind me. But its many many more times girls doing this.
There is a whole bunch of detrans coming out now. But the damage is done. It's the saddest time I've ever known for girls.

Rambam I honestly don't think that would be helpful. OPs daughter is also very young and is a victim of this stuff.

Tell her the truth it it might be the kick up the arse she needs.

How old is your daugher, OP?

It won't be a wake up call. It will simply give an excuse to shout the "transphobe" mantra

The lesbian thing would not worry me but the running off would - I would assume your family is in turmoil and maybe not a good time to add a guest staying to the list.

I had this conversation with my mate who was all for pills and surgery if her son wanted to transition. I asked her if she believed in God and she replied that she was an atheist so no she didn't believe in imaginary beings. Then I asked how could she believe that people could change sex then. That was a massive stretch of the imagination surely & I think that was what she needed. She's toned down her rainbow glittery affirmation shite now & is a bit more normal.

There's no critical thinking ability in these gender affirmation zombies. They all worship unquestioningly at the alter of Mermaids.

If I had a young lesbian daughter I would worry too and probably do the same as your sil in an attempt to shield my child from social contagion. I think telling the truth about the cancelled visit might be a good wake up call for your DD. I really feel for families going through this, it’s a completely minefield.

Tell her the reason is strikes.

Who are the other parents facilitating her staying with the 'friend'?
How long is she intending staying with this 'friend' for?