Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

[Moomoola]

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

I believe the detransitioner subreddit is in excess of 30,000. HUGE numbers are regretting their decision.

Your daughter is working off a pretty classic trans script.

Yes, I'm discovering that. She ran off to girlfriend with hormones last night and is convincing herself we haven't been supportive. Unfortunately the gf is I think being really manipulative. DD is very naive and repeating stuff that I don't think come from her.
She seemed to be fine last night and her phone rang three times in quick succession so gf is definitely determined to get her on demand.
I called and tried to say I'm not upset if you're being trans, I am upset that you went to gf house without saying anything.
Of course everything I say is somehow transphobic and she asked whether I agreed with jk Rowling. I said it's too big an issue to comment on without a lot of research. Am afraid she called me an ffing transphobe and I got cross. Tried not to .
I talked to mum who sounded to me, nervous of me. She said girls on the phone DD upset. DD wasn't upset when she was at home.
Have arranged to see mum tomorrow. I will be very calm and try and discuss sensibility.
My concern is DD told me mum hides vodka so is obv under pressure of some sort.
Gf drinks for the same reason.
Gf went private for puberty blockers at 15. So I am really concerned at the mums attitude. Dad lives somewhere else.
I sent DD a text saying ok to her not coming home, and we love her.
She sent her brother a text last night apologising but saying we are not supportive.
What on earth do I do? Haven't texted her today yet.
Not sure what to say.
Help!

"Lean in with love and structure" is what they say on Gender A Wider Lens. Can you offer to do something nice with your daughter that involves a ban on all things trans and just fun? Try to remind her subtly that the whole of life isn't about trans?

Yes, I was hoping we were having a lovely family night last night till she got a call she didn't answer then 2 more in quick succession. The she sneaked out.
We were hoping to go away but this gf is always there. DD always texting.
Will see where we can go for a trip.

Somewhere with poor signal for mobile? Or is that mean?

I’d actually be thinking about moving..

You need to tread really carefully because your child is being targeted by a manipulative, emotional abuser. Get some advice from the Bayswater Support group about this.

It might help your dd to get some therapy to build emotional resilience & to deal with abusers. The freedom programme for teenagers might be useful h free re.

Thank you. I am finally realising how serious this is. Dd spent last 2 nights there and refuses to come home. Sent us a long text, that doesn’t sound like her where we are called transphobia’s and awful.
I called the mum who said she couldn’t do anything and was stuck in the middle. I said, well as a mum you can tell my dd I’m concerned and it’s time she came home. The mum said I needed a third party present before I could talk to my dd?!
live talked to several groups who say keep,communication open - we are sending messages of love and support . Dd says she is scared of what will happen when she gets back. This after several texts saying we just love you and want to support.
it does sound like dd being brainwashed. I’m transphobic according to dd and the mum because I didn’t refer to her daughter who is taking hormones as a man. Apparently I said hello ladies and that caused this person to be utterly distraught and tell her parents and everyone was outraged.
i said to dd, surely it’s up to x to say, ‘ oi moomoola, it’s mr to you’ or something similarly jokey. Why the subterfuge and creating drama when there’s no need?
help needed.

Thank you flamingjinglebells from the bottom of my heart.

It's as though they are being lost to a cult, isn't it? Modus operandi: alienate kids from their families. The only thing to stop it is to remove your daughter from the other girl.

I wish I could offer advice - it is heart-wrenching, and you are doing your best to show your daughter that you love her and want her home.

@Moomoola you are welcome and keep posting here. It'll help you process your thoughts even though it's online support, we're all on your side.

Thank you so much. Thankyou everyone. We are feeling horrible. Ds was so looking forward to Xmas and it’s now just awful, the three of us rattling around trying to be jolly. We have no idea when she will show up.
xmas is hard anyway because we have no nearby family so it’s always just us four, but this is horrible. I’d booked us a night in a hotel and some sights, but have had to cancel.
feeling very peculiar.

I'm going to go against the grain here and lay down the law. I would go get her, remove her phone and take a barring order against the other kid and her mother. I'm sure this is not a popular opinion but she is being coerced, groomed and gaslit.
If this was an older man you would be out of your mind with concern. This is the same. Potentially surgery and hormones. I'd go tell the girl to get the fuck away from my daughter. Then I'd start family therapy. She has been brainwashed. Don't accept it. You get to make decisions that right now are unpopular but long term in her best interests.
I'm so sorry you are having this. Not your fault but you have to fix.

Thanks. We went to get her the other night and said we were outside and she just refused to leave . Today we sent lots of supportive texts but she has just said she loved us but she’s staying there.
to me she sounds stressed and tearful.
I texted the mother asking to ask dd to come home. Unfortunately I’d referred to dd as’she’ and by the name we’d given her. The mother showed this to dd and gf/bf and dd then sent me a text saying I’d deadnamed her, disgendered her and wasn’t making a very good job of being supportive.
I can’t help thinking the mother didn’t need to do that.
We are so tempted to go and get her, but are so unsure as to what will push her further away. Dh suggested just that, get her, remove phone and computer, take her away.
if we cut off her phone while she’s there obv. We lose all contact with her.
where on Earth do we take her? No relatives.except sil who won’t have her.
we’ve now logged it with the police as advised by various helplines.
pin theory I meet the mum tomorrow she is happy to show me that she’s responsible etc. except they she says I can’t see my dd without a third party present. I’m so upset she thinks she needs to protect dd from me. What in earth is going on?!

I aagree with @Onceuponawhileago it's gone too far for you to handle it alone. I think a harassment order/restraining order is the way to go. Speak to the police and say that the mother is preventing your dd from coming home. She is still under 18 so technically a child.

Get dd's school or college involved and let them know what is happening as well. You need as many professionals on your side.

How do I approach the mum? Friendly? She is quick to attack if the phone call tonight is anything to go by. I’m worried I’ll be too nice because if I’m firm she’ll tell even more crap to dd.

She is holding your dd hostage, bloody hell that woman has no right to say that you need a 3rd party to see your own child. If she wants a third party then I'd take a solicitor and the police with me. That woman is not your child's legal guardian, she has no legal right to with hold access to your dd.

Thank you.
I will talk to mum tomorrow. And hopefully not the police.

Jesus Christ- 'Unfortunately I’d referred to dd as’she’ and by the name we’d given her' - I would be incandescent with rage. The mother is part of the problem, winding everything up. It's your right to call your daughter any name you want. The other mother does not get to interfere or mediate or manage any aspect of you relationship. I would go and tell her you are not leaving without her. Destroy her phone, call the police. Your child has been essentially taken hostage by an adult and he ducked kid. Step in, take her home. Call the police and tell them you need their support.

Call 101 and get advice first before speaking to the mum.

No correct approach. Go right there, knock on the door and say you are collecting your daughter, you have concerns about her safety and you are not leaving without her. Have the police there. Get an emergency barring order via solicitor as fast as you can.

This above. A stranger is holding your child in an abusive situation. Tell the police you are collecting her and need support. I would go tonight. They will be in. Don't wait.

Agree with the above, this is now an adult essentially authorising the abuse of a minor and I would log with police and look for the police to in intervene in getting DD out of the house. Then I'd remove all phones, laptops and any other devices from her possession and literally go anywhere else. Your DD sounds distressed and vulnerable and this fucking mad woman and her daughter are holding her.

Book somewhere to go to and calmly explain that you are not facilitating your daughter being brainwashed any further. Remove and destroy phone.
ask on mumsnet.com if there is any therapist that can advise you over the holidays- there will be someone.
If it were me I'd have somewhere booked very far away and rural that you can go to to let your daughter calm down and hopefully see sense.

Thanks everyone. Have re read thread entirely, so many helpful posts. I’m piecing together a diary of events in case it’s needed.
I was going to meet the mum on my own and chat, reasonably without Dh who knows he will get angry. but now thinking to take Dh, he is quite logical and may help me being too calm. I’m not sure the mum does reasonable. She sounds very on edge on the phone.
I will call police again tomorrow and ask advice on how to talk to mum, or if they can come. They suggested woman’s aid. I will see if I can find an authority figure to come. I am assuming dd might come home as it’s Xmas eve/day. But suspect she will be in her phone all the time and scuttle off on Boxing Day. So sad. I’ve not got the energy to get gifts for her. I cba, actually though I’m sure that’s wrong. Definitely not giving her money.
We do need to get her away.
fwiw I couldn’t find any social media info. But am not an expert at it.