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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Sil cancelled visit as our dd wants to be a man.

338 replies

Moomoola · 16/12/2022 07:34

our lovely dd has been getting more isolated from us. On sun she left a note and ran off to her friends house for a few nights to think things through. Friend 17 is having hormones to be a man. Dd threatened the same. She wears a breast binder. They are going out together and there is much subterfuge and lies. We’ve never said anything as far as we are aware, dd onv thinks differently.
Yesterday Dh told his sister who livesabroad and she has immediately cancelled them all coming to stay tomorrow. She doesn’t want her 14 dd to be influenced as she is going out with a girl.
it’s so sudden, we’ve been excited for months. She’s telling her dd it’s due to strikes. What do I tell mine?
do I say strikes or do I tell the truth - it’s a consequence of you leaving us a note and running off.
it’s been horrible and now what should have been fun is depressing and there’s also no reason for dd to come back now when she finds out.
also what do I do with dd?!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 07/01/2023 12:55

Do we go into town to meet dd for ds birthday? It’s becoming all about dd again.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 07/01/2023 13:33

Sorry overthinking and being wet x

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 07/01/2023 13:42

You can make plans for your son then just send her the details.

Eg, Going to Nandos at 6pm for DS birthday. As always, you are welcome to join us.

Do not change any plans for her or make it about her in any way. If she turns up, try not to discuss anything that will cause a fight because that's not fair on DS.

WednesdaysPlaits · 07/01/2023 17:46

Why would you not let her come. She's your daughter, of course she's invited. I have to say I think its very odd that your DH is saying he doesn't want her to come because he won't want her to leave. Take contact where you can get it!

Make it all about DS. If she tries to turn the topic onto trans stuff turn it back to DS. You need to make her want to spend time with the family by being as normal as possible.

WednesdaysPlaits · 07/01/2023 17:52

Actually if you can afford it I'd start doing some tempting things

"Oh I'm so glad you make it sweetheart, we've decided we're going up to London for the weekend on 21st January. Just to splash out and treat ourselves. Do you fancy coming?"

"Oh I forgot to mention we thought we'd go to see Avatar on Friday, join us if you like"

"DS is having his room redecorated. Complete change of image and more grown up stuff do you want to see the inspiration photo's he's been looking at?"

"We've decided we're having a family pizza and board game night every Sunday night to celebrate the end of the weekend. Come over if you fancy it."

Life at home needs to be a tempting prospect..

WednesdaysPlaits · 07/01/2023 17:54

WednesdaysPlaits · 07/01/2023 17:46

Why would you not let her come. She's your daughter, of course she's invited. I have to say I think its very odd that your DH is saying he doesn't want her to come because he won't want her to leave. Take contact where you can get it!

Make it all about DS. If she tries to turn the topic onto trans stuff turn it back to DS. You need to make her want to spend time with the family by being as normal as possible.

And if she tries to talk about trans stuff

"that's nice Darling, did you hear Uncle Robert's cat had kittens?"

Jellycats4life · 07/01/2023 18:46

She sent a friendly message because she wants money? She’s got some neck, that’s for sure!

I don’t have any words of wisdom I’m afraid, except to say you need to be aware (and it sounds like you are) of how she knows she has all the power and the leverage right now. Which is why she has no qualms about making all these demands of you. It’s also because she’s pig headed and 17, of course… as we all were once.

Original poster
Moomoola · 07/01/2023 19:25

Thanks all! Ha, I was a fabulous 17 😂😂😂 actually my mum just never commented but was always there.
Thanks there was no mention of trans she was very charming and finally warmed up a bit towards the end.
we are guilty of home being a bit dull. Not sure I want to treat her to hotels etc for her to bugger off after. Pizza was dear enough! But we do need trips away for sure.
Dh would like me to stop work to make sure home is cozy and to research how to get her back. It would help him do his work ( he’s the main earner) and ds wouldn’t be coming home to an empty house. Need to think about that.

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WednesdaysPlaits · 07/01/2023 19:46

Perhaps then you mention you’re doing those fun things but specifically don’t ask her, not because you’re being mean but they’re things that happen at home. So you slip into conversation that you’re doing them and wait to see if she asks to join you.

Original poster
Moomoola · 07/01/2023 19:53

Good idea.

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ElfHasBeenSilly · 07/01/2023 20:27

@WednesdaysPlaits is giving some cracking advice here.

Glad to hear the pizza went well.

If it were me I’d think very carefully about quitting my job. I think I’d want to keep hold of something just for me. Something else to think about and occupy myself. Don’t let DD take over every aspect of your life. @WednesdaysPlaits is totally right. If you can afford it, do some fun things, with or without her, and do some things for you.

Original poster
Moomoola · 07/01/2023 23:03

Thanks, agree. And I need the job to buy the nice things!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 09/01/2023 06:54

19 days.
id hoped she’d come with me to chat to a family therapist but obviously I got a text saying she doesn’t want to.
losing hope.

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WednesdaysPlaits · 09/01/2023 11:15

You need to play the long game. This isn't the sort of thing that will resolve in a few weeks or even months.

FaceLikeCattle · 09/01/2023 13:53

Don't lose hope, hang on in there! She needs you. She needs you to give her the boundaries that she's either lacking the confidence to assert herself or that she's too indoctrinated to see for herself.

Keep away from trans chat as much as possible, like another poster said, do the whole, "that's nice dear, did you know Uncle Derick has a new kitten?". Show her there's a whole life out there to be explored, she doesn't need to have her entire sense of self and identity wrapped up in this relationship and trans issues. Send her pictures and info of exciting/homely things that you're doing without any pressure to come home (but obviously you can let her know she's very welcome). If there's no trans talk and no pressure, there's nothing to kick back against.

The other mum is clearly facilitating this. She might claim to be wanting to stay out of it, but any normal person who wants to stay out of a situation, doesn't accommodate the situation in their home! If the mum wants her there, then she can fund it, she can pay for the food, bills and extra costs associated with having an extra person in her house. Don't make this insanity easy for any of them. If your DD wants her school bag, she can come and get it and she can pay for the transport too. If she wants money for things, she can either ask this other mum or she can get a job. If she wants to play the independent adult, then she can act like an independent adult. Once they no longer have a bad guy (you and your DH) to fight against, I imagine the mum will soon get sick of having to parent and fund someone else's child.

If it's helpful, keep talking to us. We have your back.

Original poster
Moomoola · 10/01/2023 07:36

Thank you so much. face like cattle and wednesday
just feel like I’m knocking on locked doors. I’ve contacted the groups suggested up thread so thanks guys.
gp said keep communication going. But we are fighting the entire Internet and thousands of very disturbing ideas on you tube/ Reddit etc.
Dh looks like crap.
ds very quiet.
we don’t have any family so just us. Wish I had loads of aunties etc nearby!

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Original poster
Moomoola · 10/01/2023 23:22

Even Etsy shops are supporting gender dysphoria with celebration top surgery cards. W t a f.

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Original poster
Moomoola · 10/01/2023 23:23

How is this right?

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WandaWomblesaurus · 11/01/2023 00:12

You need to stop right now thinking that because you've not had non stop entertainment at your house that you are in any way responsible for this. She's being coerced by the other family.

Millions of kids grow up in very challenging circumstances, alcoholic parents, sick parents, dead parents... and they are not behaving the way she is behaving.

Don't beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can right now and calling in as much support as you can. Hope over to the feminist board as well and see if anyone there knows of any other support/legal advice etc x

WandaWomblesaurus · 11/01/2023 00:17

Those cards are insane. Self harm propaganda.

Original poster
Moomoola · 11/01/2023 07:01

Thanks wanda I will do that now. Hard not to look back and blame myself and Dh.

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HeatwaveToNightshade · 11/01/2023 09:27

I can't even express how disgusted I am by those cards on Etsy @Moomoola. What chance do teenage girls have in this situation when permanent body alterations are not only normalised, but the subject of an 'amusing' card?

I have been checking in on your thread now and again since I commented in December and really do hope things improve soonFlowers

WhatNoRaisins · 11/01/2023 09:49

I knew someone who looked into having a mastectomy for cancer risk related reasons 10 years ago. It was made very clear what a major operation it was and that it came with significant risks.

Have surgical techniques really improved to the point where a double mastectomy is such a simple procedure that a light hearted card like that is appropriate? It all baffles me.

ThaTrìCaitAgam · 11/01/2023 09:52

Those cards are just wrong. Although I can understand some people feel like it’s a celebration, it shouldn’t be an advertisement.