Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Had a pleasant trip to school with dd today. She was chatty and communicating nicely.

Must try to Enjoy the small thing when they occur

I expect it because half term is nearly on us she has parties and stuff to look forward to.

After an nice period where I thought DS 18 was growing out of it I've had a really down week with him again, culminating with him sending me nasty texts at midnight when I am away with work! Can't get away even when I'm not with him. Feel disheartened but carried on with grey rock and it's all gone quiet thank goodness. I'm trying not to feel like I'm back to square one but it's hard

Hello!

Just a mum of a 13 yr DS and 10 yr (going on..) DD with 5 year old boy girl twins trying to keep sane.

Wowzah I have never felt this alone during my parenting years. My partner is really chilled out and works full time so he's the fun one (they also listen to him better if he needs to tell them off for behaviour etc) My friends have just started to have babies so in different stages and I don't feel I can talk much about my older ones as they are in the baby bubble times.

My DD seems to be going through those changes right now and the attitude is disgusting.
My DS used to be so gentle and quiet and polite.. now always huffing and puffing, asking for things for us to buy him and going in a poody when we say no (because they are usually expensive and we don't have the cash to just buy things willy nilly and he knows this. Very enjoyable when we mention he could start doing some chores for pocket money again like he did when younger but if looks could kill...)

I feel we should have books about this stage 😂

Checking in! Thank you so much for this thread OP

Pernimenopausal Mum to DS16 and DD13.
Split with their Dad a year ago and I’m not sure if it has been harder or easier.

At first I found it very hard not to just cave in to all of DS unreasonable requests as I knew he was struggling with the split, but I have slowly rediscovered my backbone. He oscillates between charming and chatty and entitled, demanding, misogynistic and obnoxious

I’m afraid when I’m subjected to a list of unreasonable complaints I just tell him to phone childline but there is probably a better way.

DD is lovely for now and I’m really hoping DS has started to come out the other side once she starts to go full teen as I’m not sure I can cope with 2. 😵‍💫

Just found this thread and what a relief to know I’m not alone!

Im starting to think my 16 year old DD has a personality disorder. Her behaviour is just horrendous. She’s well behaved at school and did well in her GCSEs and has a large group of friends but at home she’s horrible.

Every other day there is a huge row and despite talking to her things never change and she doesn’t change her behaviour at all. To be honest I’ve now given up trying. Currently sat in my bedroom avoiding her as she started screaming at me as soon as she got home from school.

In my head I keep telling myself things will improve in a couple of years when she leaves home for university but sometimes I wonder how I’ll manage that long. The things she says to me & her dad are truly awful & it makes me so sad that despite providing her with a loving stable home her behaviour is so bad that she regularly reduced me and her dad to tears.

Well the nice convos we had this morning evaporated this evening as now refusing to do a few emails she needs to sort and dismissing me

Grrrrrrred

Hang in there everyone. I've had a relatively calm few weeks but DS16 is in a foul mood today not helped by staying up until past midnight on his ipad (or crack pad as DH calls it!)

Things I did wrong today:
Dared to give him some advice (he sees any attempt at advice as a personal attack )

Asked him to unstack the dishwasher AND didn't get other DC to help too (he has this thing about division of labour and thinks he's really hard done by and other DC are favoured if I happen to ask him to help and not them. Ironically more often than not I do ask them as they are more obliging so reality is complete opposite!

Nail in the coffin was when I later suggested he watch some revision technique thing I'd found on Youtube - he didn't have any homework and I thought would be really helpful for him. He refused point blank to even consider it "sounds shit" was then really bloody horrible about how much I interfere in his life and then went on some random rant about how I think he's thick and that's why I keep shoving these things down his throat.

Okkkaaay. This is when I do best to take a deep breath and back slowly out before I say something I regret.

Hello, lechat, DS1 Is 15 but I think
he may be your DS’s soul twin!

This thread is really helping me remain sane and is one of the most supportive I’ve found on mumsnet for years. No judgement, just solidarity. Exactly what I need right now. Reading the similar roller coaster experiences of others is strangely reassuring.
We had a strangely positive burst at the end of last week and I had a lovely day with DD on Saturday, mostly just the two of us (well, a few hours). Back with a bump yesterday when she ranted at me for an hour (I was captive) about how hateful everything and everyone is, how school is terrible and everyone is mean to her all the time, how I ‘laugh at’ her (I really, really don’t!), and on and on.
She’s so changeable, it’s impossible to know how to help, if at all. She is likely to be completely different again when she gets home today. I do worry a lot (in the early hours of the morning when I can’t sleep) about her, especially her lack of friends and her negative view of other people. She has always found these things difficult and I suppose they are amplified with teenage-ness. And less easy to deal with as a day out with mummy or playing with little brother no longer compensates for the need for peer acceptance.
She’s refusing to see her counsellor again today (had her for a few months last year when the bullying and school situation was active - has moved schools now).

I am only a month in to the teenage years (DD 13) and this hugely resonates.

selfishness is normal right?!

So far we’ve been pretty lucky with teen DS but he only turned 13 in May and he’s small for his age so I don’t think hormones have fully kicked in yet, so we probably have it all to come! He can be a bit grumpy but he’s super articulate and I’m amazed at the discussions we now have, he has a lovely girlfriend who is also 13 going on 30 and best of all he cooks our tea for us at least 4 nights a week 😵 (by choice, he’s not our slave). 🙏 please let it continue 🙏.

Just came into my head: the moment I realised my DS had turned into a teenager was the night I nagged him to go to bed when he'd usually say 'Mum can I just have another 5 minutes of tv/playstation' turned in to ' nope. Not doing it. Not going to bed'......I'm trying to be grey rock

Apparently everything is "shit". Holidays, dinners, days out, school, packed lunches, everything is shit.
If you happen to brush past them "Don't touch me, what are you doing"? A few years ago, I literally couldn't peel the little buggers off me, now I can't go within a few feet without a look of utter disgust.

Ugh, screen time, ugh!

DS 18 will not stop vaping in his room. I've tried discussing nicely, getting annoyed, throwing out vape liquid but he takes no notice. Dd has asthma and I don't allow anyone to smoke or vape in the house. I have told him that I don't want him to do it at all but if he must it must not be in the house, but he still does it. He has eroded any house rule we have but this is one I will not back down on

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do?

How does he fund his vapes? What’s the basis of him being at home? Does he work? Study? What does he depend on you for?
Limit/remove that, within reason, and make it clear there is a direct link between his behaviour, selfishness and disregard for your home and your rules and the health and well-being of his sister. You have to cut off the funding or lifestyle perks that come with living at home/off you and have this impact him in some significant way, for it to make any difference. Make it as unattractive to him as possible to live at home and vape. And if he wants to vape, make it clear he should do it under his own roof. Your responsibility is primarily towards your daughter now. I would make it extremely clear that you are fully prepared to put her needs first. He is of an age now where his choices have direct outcomes so if he flaunts the rules of your house, he should be prepared to live outside it where he can do as he pleases.

I came to MN tonight for comfort too, hard going with 3 (youngest not yet a teen but autistic with mild LD and affected by antics of the older 2 😩). Eldest teen has lots of issues, and today was particularly dysregulated and unable to cope.
She is positively allergic to us all and does feel very suffocated by the family home. Yet her anxieties and impact of health issues often mean she can’t/won’t just go out and leave us behind.
For me, I’m just exhausted. Still working and doing tidying up and feeding pets etc at 10pm or later most nights (youngest needs me to support going to bed) and my teens are just self absorbed and entitled. All part of their age and stage but unpleasant all the same. I’m spending a lot of time servicing a household of 5 people, where only 2 pick up after themselves!
I’m ending this in on a positive though. My eldest just came into the room for some furtive late night snacking. Apologised for her behaviour towards me today. I acknowledged her apology and said I appreciated it. We managed to touch on whether she would be able to go to the shop/ get a pizza take out tomorrow without feeling overwhelmed and anxious about it. I was able to say that she needs to not just accept feeling like this, but to be aware when it’s having a limiting affect on her life (she spent many of the most gorgeous days in a darkened room, in bed this summer). And that maybe the doctor would be a good person to speak to for starters. She said she would think about it. Which is the closest we have come to acceptance that these issues aren’t run of the mill, and some action might need to be taken.
Personally, I suspect some ND, she has quite a few quirks and hang ups, compulsions and these haven’t gone away and can be really noticeable and difficult for her at times. I’ve tried to frame it that there is help available, and she will feel better about getting help, once she does begin to get help.

@Skyvemind
If you do think she is ND and can afford it. Get a private assessment. Then you can target the help you get her. It's will be worth it for her lifelong MH and your happiness and understanding.

Thanks Whenwill
her sis is ND, dx quite young. Dad very likely also is, but no formal dx. All presenting differently of course. Eldest only has a kid’s perception of ND and sadly sees any suggestion that she might be ND as being something ‘defective’ about herself, so am having to approach very carefully. Her medical team are aware and once her therapy program with them is finished we will discuss whether assessment is appropriate.

Thanks @Skyvemind you have pretty much said what I have been thinking but just wanted another point of view. He has an apprenticeship so has plenty of money and I actually do very little for him as I have cut down on things along the way as he has refused to stick to the rules. There really isn't anything left to take away now. He gave up vaping a couple of months ago so I started to give him lifts again, bought food he liked and generally helped him out (rewarding good behaviour I guess!) but he started again and has just gone back to square one. I find it strange, he hates us, hates our rules and just wants to do his own thing but shows no sign of wanting to move out. I've told him if he wants to vape inside that he should find his own place to do it in but he just argues that he is 18 and should be able to do it where he wants. Sadly I think the time has come to ask him to leave, hoping he will sort things out just isn't working. Last thing I want but I think we have exhausted all the options, and we are all beyond exhausted with him 😔

@BorryMum ok, yes, he is forcing your hand rather. However he’ll probably thank you for it later, and it will likely improve and preserve the relationships at stake. It’s horrible to be forced into pushing them out of the nest but I’m sure you’ll do it with a good balance of firmness and support.

Thank you @Skyvemind your advice means a lot, especially when you are having a hard time too. I really
Hope things ease off a bit for you soon

Yes its blimmin tough!

It’s so hard, currently sitting here waiting for my daughters friend to be collected having just had a mouthful for embarrassing her in front of her friend by daring to knock on her door and ask her what her plans were. 🤷‍♀️. I can never do anything right, despite spending the vast majority of my life walking on eggshells around her and doing everything to try and not rock the boat. It is so hard to not feel so miserable all the time. It’s like being in an abusive relationship that you are stuck with 😫. Hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel often.