Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

"I need to respond in a different way to my mum. Calm, consistent. I need to walk away from drama. Take the good days, ignore the bad. I need to stop feeling so hurt. It’s bloody hard though."

We all need to do that, @Bobsledgirl , but it's so difficult. Because it keeps happening! It's like, when you describe life with a newborn, it doesn't look so hard from the outside, as people imagine doing that for a day or two. But months of sleep deprivation and velcro babies is maddening! It's the same way with difficult teens - days upon days upon days of rudeness, rejection and seeing them work against their own best interests.

Oh yeah it grinds you down

@CandyLeBonBon can you get any kind of help? Autistic son must be hard. Xxx

Just another rant. Took dd to a play last night. She is ASD normally likes plays. It was Shakespeare so old English. I could understand bits as I did it in school she didn't understand it at all.

Mates were having a party so she was missing that. From the get go she wasn't going to stop moaning.

She was rude, sulked kept walking off. We argued because the train was delayed apparently my fault.

Feel like not taking her anywhere again. She doesn't want to be with me just her mates. It's terrible.

Had she previously wanted to go to the play? Tbh I wouldn’t plan anything for my DD now unless she asked. She doesn’t really want to go anywhere with us so I don’t bother booking stuff.

its hard when they are so rude though.

I mean she didn't say either way. She seemed accepting of it.
All day yesterday was saying overwhelmed. Not sure how much is ASD and how much is an excuse to do what she wants. ie not school or family stuff.

I probably wouldn’t take a stroppy teen to a Shakespeare play. We got to a point where we now just assume DD won’t be coming anywhere with us. We are just past the age of doing that. She’s almost an adult and has her own social life.

Occasionally we eat out as a family or have the odd country walk but I have zero expectations she would go to theatre with us. How old is she?

The school recommended it but you are right. I learned a hard lesson.

There was loads of teens there. Just none kicking up a fuss like mine.

Gosh its hard when you love them but don't think their behaviour is nice.

She is 15.

Yes is definitely hard! I was sad when we stopped doing family stuff but I remember never wanting to do it as a teen myself.

I have to stop comparing. As my friends daughters all love doing things together.

They only enjoy it if it’s something they genuinely like and they are not missing anything with their mates. If you fail on one of those you’re sunk.

Absolutely correct.

Some kids put up with it and moan mine has a full on toddler meltdown.

I'm always comparing my teen with other perfectly behaved ones. It's so painful. You see them everywhere. It hurts so much.

I'm currently at a theme park with my joyful 13yo son whilst my miserable 15yo lies in bed seething with anger about something. No idea.

Same family but 2 VERY different children

Thats interesting I sometimes wonder if it is my fault that she is awful. Sure she thinks it is.

This thread is helping me a lot to realise that we have to try to stay calm and hold on, whilst not being driven over the edge by the rudeness etc. My nearly 17 DS is fine with a few teenage moments, but DD 14 is another story, tantrums, rudeness, just general behaviour. She can be sweet and nice but then flips, it's genuinely Jekyll and Hyde. A very old fashioned funny book by Betty McDonald called Onions in the Stew sometimes makes sense of it as she writes about her teenage daughters in the 50s. It is a huge triumph if one can make it out the other side with a more or less existent relationship and both parties' mental health more or less taken care of. But burden is so heavily on us parents to make that happen.

I think also, while adapting to the changes in your daughter, you are grieving the relationship you used to have. I know it’s the natural order of things but it’s hard to let go of the little girl in her. This is why it’s so emotionally loaded I think.

Is anyone here for a virtual handhold, glass of wine, reassurance?

Not brave enough to start my own thread.

Just taken my DD into town, for clothes and books. Firstly she told me she wants to identify as 'afab non-binary' and wants me to use they/them when discussing her. Pushed it by saying she might ask for he/him and it's disrespectful if I don't, etc etc.
This went on and on. Showed me a photo of a transman she likes and asked me if I thought they looked like a man or woman - did not like my honest answer.
Then told me she hates her life, is miserable every day, never wants to get out of bed. I don't really recognise that in her, but okay.
Finally she told me she's demi-romantic. This means she only wants to hug/kiss people she feels very strongly about. Oh, okay, fine. Then she adds - so can you maybe lay off the hugs and don't kiss me anymore?

Rightio.

She's still only 12, birthday coming up. We used to be so close.

"Finally she told me she's demi-romantic. This means she only wants to hug/kiss people she feels very strongly about. Oh, okay, fine. Then she adds - so can you maybe lay off the hugs and don't kiss me anymore?"
Ouch, @ProfessorInkling . I will have a virtual glass of wine with you.

I’ll join you. What a shock for you I’m sure!

Thank you

At least she said it at all I suppose and doesn't just bottle it up, which may come. I kept every thought I could to myself at her age.

@ProfessorInkling if it’s any comfort at all my 14 yr old asked me to please not put ‘x’ on text messages as it’s annoying! 🙈

Me too. Yes take comfort they told you as instead of bottling it up. This could be a watch closely and see what happens situation.

It is very upsetting when they suddenly change over night.

@ProfessorInkling I think it's a good sign that she is telling you all this as she must trust you. As you say when our generation were kids we would not discuss feelings/intimate ideas with parents, it was bottled up. I had all that 'stuff' about genders etc from DD, it exploded amongst all the girls at the school in the 1st and 2nd year of senior school. Now in the 4th year it's seen as very old hat thank God. I remember my DD pointing to one tiny mite in her class and saying 'so and so is polysexual' or whatever and I was like 'WHAT?'. They were pushed into choosing all these sexual labels for themselves (in materials they were given at school) and then some time in the middle of the second year DD said she thought the labels were stupid and I have not heard anything more about them. It's terrible insidious crap: on the other hand I do think kids are a bit nicer and less bullying compared to our generation.