Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Tread we'd be a lot happier if my dc's were at boarding school. DS goes to a joint activity at one once a week and they do seem to thrive from 13/14 up.

How I wish I knew MN 30 years old, I might not be so grey and haggard now!
DD was a complete nightmare, her father was bl…. useless in backing me. DS2 was a complete doddle in comparison.

I’m not so sure this is the answer as tempting as it might be. A friend did this and her DD has resented her ever since; one DS went completely off the rails and has never really recovered.

@Foronenightonly01

Yes!!!! Dh can be like this. He is convinced he was a fabulous caring teen. Hahaha

Sadly his family have all died except his sister. Next time I see her I will be asking these questions. 😂

I felt like DS left our home and a complete stranger took his place when he became 13! Knew there would be moods, Kevin and Perry moments, but the cuddling me one minute like he did when he was younger, the next minute giving me a lecture and speaking to me very slowly and carefully as if I have one brain cell....

Grrr.
dd1 (sixth form) and dd1 (year 10) have the same teacher. Dd1 has been in trouble for not being on top of her work in the subject. After a mammoth effort, she caught up and handed in the first part of their big project, the only one who actually handed it in on time.
In the meantime dd2 has taken great pleasure on tattling about dd1s work to the same teacher. There is some informal time in the lesson while the kids are on task, and so there is some chat and banter.
This week she told the teacher that dd1 hadn't done the research she was supposed to have done, and the teacher was cross with dd1 until she managed to show him that she had actually handed it all in.

Dd1 was furious and came home furious with dd2. She expressed it in a really controlled way over the dinner table. dd2 was unapologetic. Dh and I quietly stepped in and told her she was out of order and needed to apologise.
Cue dd2 having a full on melt down about all the unreasonable things dd1 had ever done to her, and pure fury that we would not back down and told her she was out of order and dd1 should expect an apology.

She never admits ot mistakes or apoligises. She seriously does not see why this is wrong, depsite dd1 explaining to her how it would effect her. This is typical. I can live with the melt downs, but I am so cross that she never sees her mistakes, and never acknowledges how her actions effect others.
GRRRRR.

My dd who has anxiety has had her third day this term off sixth form.

I'm very worried about her getting behind. It's so hard as a parent to support them. But there was no way I would persuade her today. 🥲

Eugh.

so hard. I’m sorry, you just want them to be healthy, happy, well balanced people don’t you?

I am feeling very overwhelmed with the responsibility of ‘getting it right’ with my 3 teens today.

i feel like a selfish git but sometimes I just want to run away! (For a few hours but more if I could get it!)

I was burning with resentment earlier when I was cleaning the kitchen and daughter was lounging on her phone. She thinks the house has a servant, helps with nothing and expects a lot. Can I get this: can I get that.., I rarely find her to be kind, engaging or interested in anyone but herself. I’m ashamed but sometimes I have found feelings of burning hatred rising. New to me. I almost feel bullied by her. That if I don’t be what she wants she’ll throw the ‘my childhood / mother was horrendous’. Other times (less so), I see the old flicker of whom she was/is and wish I could turn back the clock to be together meaningfully. We have always been close: or I thought so.

I think I’m perimenopausal. My feelings are in overdrive so often. Might just be anxiety. I get pissed off easier than I used to. or maybe I’m just challenged and tired of having to be the bigger person with my daughter in particular.

in reality: I’m probably a decent mum, with decent kids I’m just finding it sooooo fucking hard!!!!

arghh. Sorry. I just needed to get that out.

apologies for being so frank.

humph.

Don’t apologise for being frank op. I could have written your most recent post myself. It’s honestly a relief to know that someone else is experiencing the same thing although I am sorry you are going through it.

I almost feel like I am being bullied by one of mine and yet she expects me to be responsive, understanding, sympathetic 24/7, despite her being surly, negative and rude. And sometimes I feel really resentful and want to run away too.

I’ve politely asked her every day this week to pick up all the random clothes she has left all over the house (including downstairs) and every day she has agreed and done nothing. The mess is really building up now and I don’t want to cause another argument so I say nothing and seethe to myself instead.

Can I squeeze on the end of bench? Just got the one 15 year old DD here, which is plenty.

I don't have many big bust ups with her but when I'm feeling cynical, I think she tries to keep me sweet in order to get away with the teen boundary pushing of the sex and drugs and drink variety.

I'm not totally sure what she has and hasn't done at this point but I know she can be an absolute top quality liar.

I don't want to spend all of my time suspicious or trying to catch her out, so I have to go with broadly taking her at her word about what she's up to. And to be fair to her, she's not got herself into a noticeable pickle yet - friends are caring, school is ok, seems happy.

So we live in relative harmony (with the usual pile of things on top of the dishwasher and on her bedroom floor) but where I have a slight fear that I'm woefully naïve and nightly not-prayers that she stays safe.

Emsb2022 · 11/10/2022 20:58

I felt like DS left our home and a complete stranger took his place when he became 13! Knew there would be moods, Kevin and Perry moments, but the cuddling me one minute like he did when he was younger, the next minute giving me a lecture and speaking to me very slowly and carefully as if I have one brain cell....

This is exactly how I feel, only because they are such a different person it's like a hostage negotiation situation where I feel I have to keep this one sweet to get my real one back. I understand now why most parents of teens look very shellshocked....

I hear ya!

Signing in

@InfiniteMonkeys
Shell-shocked is a very good description! Feel like I am tip toe-ing around DS at the moment due to melt downs over school, hard to know how much of it is hormones all over the place or really finding school difficult, or both. The way he looks at me sometimes liken I'm a total embarrassment to him, I really can't believe how quickly his personality changed when he became a teen...I know it's unreasonable and clingy of me but I miss the pre teens days!!

Ds (16) not attending college. Sleeps while lunchtime then goes to the park. No pocket money, no cash but still goes out..I just put his name on the council housing waiting list

Am right there with you @Pleasegivemeyourwisdom! I called my dd out on her shite and it got worse and yep, she threw the terrible mum/childhood crap at me. Just taking things day by day at the moment but I'll admit my parenting confidence is badly shaken.

At least I’m not alone in my sheer incompetence 😆 ps. Shaken confidence. Good way of putting it!

I have unusually clear memories from when I was a teenager. I remember going through a phase where I outright rejected my Mum. I'd cook my own meals, not accept lifts from her, I explained when asked how I didn't love her, I'd been sad my whole childhood, and I just felt like we were strangers forced to share a house. I'd hate it when she talked, I'd avoid eye contact.
Now my Mum was, is, and always has been a fantastically fair, dedicated and kind Mum. I had a lovely childhood and she has been an absolute rock to me through my whole adult life, and now she is a fun and charming Grandmother. She has never not been there for me or done me wrong. I can always turn to her.

This is to say that I can remember feeling that way, I can remember how real it was to me, how intense the emotions are, and how they were based on absolutely nothing to do with my Mum, or how good a parent she was, or how happy my childhood was.

I know parents say the teenage years are there to make it less hard when your children leave, but I think it works the other way too, and that it would be too unbearable to leave your Mum if you didn't stop thinking she was so wonderful.

I'm sure you are all wonderful Mums, you're just hard to leave. Hang on in there.

Thank you 🥹 had a lovely evening with daughter tonight. Feel like I’ve won the lottery.

@MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds

Thank you. That's a lovely post and yes I remember feeling very suffocated by my mother too.

We get on fine now mostly

Just copying over from an AIBU post. Thanks for the invite over ☺️

I'm struggling to get on with my eldest child to the point that I don't really like her and what she stands for any more. She's 17.

It's very difficult because she's a good lass. She's got good results and generally behaves herself. She is polite and amiable to others.

The problem comes with me and her siblings. At home she is sullen, negative, critical and argumentative. She constantly puts me and them down. Her tone is negative and critical and she's constantly causing arguments, though she can NEVER see her role in any of it and always feels picked on and slighted.

She is so entitled. She's recently got into labels and is buying lots of second hand designer stuff online. Fine. But then she expects us to pay for expensive trips abroad with school. Expects it like it's her right to go, and our duty to pay. She has a job and likes to treat herself but there's never any thought about others/helping around the house (unless it's her day to do a job and even then she needs asking multiple times). Driving lessons- on her birthday- no thanks for the investment or organising it, no acknowledgement of the support or gift- just criticism about what I do wrong. Nevermind none of her peers have had a lesson yet as their parents didn't organise it.

Her view is that money is the biggest driver. She asks why I have 'wasted myself on low paid (highly qualified) public service jobs??'

Yuk, yuk, yuk I hate all of this. I can't imagine her friends are impressed by it, either. They don't seem the type.

I'm struggling to put in boundaries. I've no idea where to start to unpick this -monster- mess.

We had very high expectations when they were all small and drummed into them the value of kindness, honesty and compassion. I feel like someone has stolen my child and replaced her with a stranger. One that, if it were a peer, I would avoid as we'd have so little in common and who in fact I would find difficult to tolerate.

I just don't know where to start. The constant negativity and walking on eggshells is so exhausting. I'm thinking it'd be easier to live separately from her.

Am I asking too much for a little gratitude or kindness? A little respect or giving back. Maybe I am. Maybe it is just what's expected

Please help. I can't see the wood for the trees.

Hello, I have a very 'trying' child; she's sullen, argumentative, miserable, opinionated and a general pita. Love her to I swear she's trying to kill m

Love her but I swear she's trying to kill me

Ive just come on to say that it has been a very long day. Overall I really hate parenting teens. 'D'H is snoring beside me. He just has no concept of how much work it is and how difficult it is. He just doesn’t seem to really be that bothered. Unless they lie or are rude. Then he hits the roof 0-60mph
Add in girlfriend for ds1 and really it’s just too much. I hate it.

Thanks for your posts; sounds bloody hard.

Sooo bloody hard.

And perplexing.

I’ve never felt like I needed more processing time - not doable when you’re in the first row of the teenage play😖!