shmiz I think you raise a really important point! I did it all wrong at the start of teen hood and followed my teen girls down a rabbit hole of stress and anxiety and it did not do them or me any good in retrospect. It’s hard when you have a close relationship and one day you suddenly realise that you are feeling happy because they are happy, or are feeling stressed and depressed because they are too. Added to that you feel hurt, bewildered and rejected by them too. It all creeps up on you!
Much better to take a slight step back emotionally and model self care, resilience and cheerfulness (without being a Pollyanna about it) and pursue some activities of your own, because teens in particular do what you do and not as you say.
Still keep the lines of communication open of course and be available for all the important things, but don’t forget yourself in the parenting process. Teens aren’t always the most unselfish of people and you can end up feeling really drained and weary if you are always available at every given moment on their terms only. They have to fit in with you sometimes! Not least because life with teens is very up and down like a rollercoaster, and you need to be the person who is the stable, even anchor point among all of the angst! It’s really, really hard not to feel beaten down at times though.
Snuggleworm I have found that things have improved massively at eighteen but it is still very much a work in progress. This adolescent period of brain plasticity is meant to continue until 24 or 25 years when their frontal cortex meets up with their limbic system (or something like that!). Hang in there, it will get better! I promise!
Sorry for the long rambling post but that’s the main message I want to get across to lechatnoir and others who are worried that their relationship with your child won’t ever be the same again. Speaking about myself and most cases of friends and family, relations have all returned to normal after a few years! Sometimes it takes the teen being away from home for a while to appreciate it properly! Your relationship will be slightly different as they establish themselves as an independent adult, and as long as you respect that as an adult, your relationship will improve, so keep strong! In the vast majority of cases, it will be ok!
I found it all easier once I had properly grasped what a teenager is, which sounds pretty obvious, but it is confusing when you are in the middle of the storm. Snuggleworm describes it as going through the mill and it’s just that. Teens, by definition, are twixt and between. Ready to do exams one minute, then dropping out the next. Ready to commit to a course, then dropping out again. In other words, they have adult ambitions, but are sometimes not fully equipped emotionally or physically to fulfill them, and it sometimes takes a period of stepping back three times before stepping forward once. But with a bit of guidance and support, most teens make it through.
And despite us parents feeling horribly helpless and frustrated, don’t underestimate the power of you just being there as the parent who weathers the storms. A solid presence. Someone who will hold on to the emotional hot potatoes when they get too hot for teens to handle. And handing them back to them when they feel stronger. Sometimes just “being there” and standing by in the sidelines, in a supportive way, is the most helpful thing of all!