Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

964 replies

Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 01/10/2022 22:25

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.Confused

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them Grin

OP posts:
Bobsledgirl · 15/09/2023 20:30

Yes it’s hard not to feel rejected.

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 08:06

Need a psychologist to advise on how to deal with the uncommunicative teens. Never seen anything like it.

ThePM · 16/09/2023 08:07

incognito50me · 13/09/2023 06:39

Thank you so much, @ThePM . Our week has been ok so far (it's early Wednesday morning!). She wrote to the club and went to try out volleyball with her friend, she says she wants to keep going; I hope her knee and motivation last.

I know she's worried about how she will measure up in school, but only time will tell whether she'll actually do the work. Based on her abilities she should be able to keep up; she got the grades to get this far, with structured help from us. The help will be available throughout, we're just not willing to chase her to study, at 15 she should know when to start preparing for tests and ask for clarification in subjects that are more difficult for her.

There is a lot of entitlement among some well-off teens here, expats and locals. She doesn't have any international school kids switching at this point, though the phenomenon you mention is quite common in my city. Some kids have switched from non-bilingual private schools for the same reason. She does tell me - don't know whether to believe everything - how much pocket money some kids get and what sort of behavior they think is normal. We don't want that sense of entitlement, obviously.

She has done a babysitting course and is hoping to get to babysit occasionally. It would do her good; she is eager to supplement her (generous) allowance and has always liked little kids. Does yours have a PT job?

I could believe anything with regard to pocket money. She has a friend whose brother learned to drive in an Aston Martin (I have seen the car with the L plates!). We’re here long enough to get past to the discreet wealth.

mine doesn’t have a job at all yet but is hoping to start as a coaching assistant at the swim school part of her swim club once she turns 16.

it’s not easy being a teen, on so many fronts, but people say that they can start to become human again from 16 or so. It is difficult being in a High Performance environment especially if it is High in terms of academic expectations plus decent sporting performance plus Who Are Your Parents plus plus plus.

Eddyraisins · 16/09/2023 08:54

I had the monosyllabic answers last night. I know she is tired from school and she feels she can be herself and not put on an act with me.
It is just so frustrating and easily escalates to an argument.

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 11:24

@Eddyraisins definitely escalates fast. Especially on a Friday. I guess they become full of adult stress and we want them to be young stress feee kids. But it's not possible. I guess that's why there are so many dogs!

Bobsledgirl · 16/09/2023 11:25

Ha! Yes my dog is now my child substitute. Loves me. He never complains and is fun.

Bobsledgirl · 16/09/2023 12:15

DD asked for lift to her Saturday job and I took her. On the 15 minute drive was monosyllabic and rude. Then just said ‘I can’t be bothered. Can you stop talking’

I’m giving her my time to drive her to work! DH says ‘she’s tired’ ( she is but only as she was out til midnight) but it irks me as I will not be a door mat.

just sent a text to say ‘ nice and peaceful in the 75 bus to town if you don’t fancy having civil conversation next time’.

am I petty? Is that immature and counterproductive? What would others do?

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 13:54

No you are not. But it may not work.

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 13:59

Mine does the same and worse. Are her female friendships not healthy ones? That's the case with. Mine. Dominated by a nasty alpha.

Bobsledgirl · 16/09/2023 14:34

I wish I even knew her friends!

i regret sending the text but yeah, pretty sure it won’t change much.

Eddyraisins · 16/09/2023 15:09

I teach my dd and her mates. They are all lovely to me and a nice group of girls. The other Mothers report the same as me. Their child can be horrible to them.

My dd even asked her friend. ' Dont you just get annoyed with your Mum for no reason sometimes'
Her friend said yes!

incognito50me · 16/09/2023 15:22

All breakups suck. Teenage breakups suck even more, as everything is so intense. She's been crying off an on, I've also cried. It's not even done, it'll probably be a protracted deal (he doesn't know what he wants, I guess doesn't want to hurt her, but all of this is making it last longer). She's not eating and is miserable, is not even arguing with me.
6 school exams in the next two weeks.

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 17:26

If yours have lovely girlfriends then great. Mine has one lovely friend. But she's not a constant. The most constant isn't nice. Maybe they all fight with mothers. But I think mine fights more than most. Really don't think others as as nasty as mine. She was better today.

I know some mothers that are Brilliant with boundaries and just then don't offer lifts. And it works. But I don't think it will work with mine. She won't go to the gym or whatever and then is more angry. It's a battle.

Flyhigher · 16/09/2023 17:28

@incognito50me better than breaking up before real exams. This sucks. But it would be worse later. It's common to break up when tests are looming. The boy might just shut down as he feels stressed. Either way... probably better off knowing now. Hard as it is. Can imagine how hard it is emotionally. Omg. Just as we get over own emotional stuff it all starts again with teens and parents!

incognito50me · 16/09/2023 17:43

@Flyhigher , I hear you. I am not great with boundaries, and as a result, have been both too lenient and too strict (when I fly off the handle). "Just as we get over own emotional stuff it all starts again with teens and parents!" - absolutely right, and I'm lucky I don't have emotional stuff with my DH (so many of my cohort are divorced/divorcing).

beachruns · 16/09/2023 17:54

I’m the lift giver here and it drives me nuts. I don’t drink so am always ready to drive. I wish other parents would take a bloody turn 😡

Eddyraisins · 16/09/2023 19:33

incognito50me · 16/09/2023 17:43

@Flyhigher , I hear you. I am not great with boundaries, and as a result, have been both too lenient and too strict (when I fly off the handle). "Just as we get over own emotional stuff it all starts again with teens and parents!" - absolutely right, and I'm lucky I don't have emotional stuff with my DH (so many of my cohort are divorced/divorcing).

I think this is my issue too.

Flyhigher · 17/09/2023 10:04

I think some kids will not accept boundaries. They want what they want and will not bend.
Maybe it's anxiety led. But some will not accept limits. Ours is an only child. So I think it's easy for to divide and rule us. Also if she's had a sibling maybe she'd be happier. So wouldn't fight us as much. I think she needed a sibling.

wishmyhousetidy · 17/09/2023 10:49

Flyhigher · 17/09/2023 10:04

I think some kids will not accept boundaries. They want what they want and will not bend.
Maybe it's anxiety led. But some will not accept limits. Ours is an only child. So I think it's easy for to divide and rule us. Also if she's had a sibling maybe she'd be happier. So wouldn't fight us as much. I think she needed a sibling.

Think this is very true. We have been fought on every boundary we have tried to enforce where as my friends daughter will have a little strop and slam a door but do as requested mine takes it to a different level. It’s all been a nightmare really. Ours is an only,child too. Also recent ADHD diagnosis

incognito50me · 17/09/2023 13:21

Mine is an only child, too, wishes she had a sibling. My DH (with two brothers) wanted only one, I (only child) wanted more - the alternative was a divorce.
I think mine also leans toward ADHD, not enough to be flagged by school. There are some boundaries she will accept, others not at all. She'll lie, pretend and appear to agree, but do exactly what she wants in the end. I also don't know what to do about it.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 17/09/2023 20:50

Handing round the virtual wine and nibbles tonight guys? Free bar. Don’t be shy!

ps. I’m tired tonight. 3 teens and average adulting = exhaustion. With bells on.

OP posts:
Bobsledgirl · 17/09/2023 21:36

Today hadn’t been too bad as she’s been at her weekend job.

Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 17/09/2023 22:35

Good

this teenage-raising malarkey really is an obstacle race isn’t it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasegivemeyourwisdom · 24/09/2023 21:47

You guys all ok?

im —ok—

OP posts:
Bobsledgirl · 24/09/2023 22:21

Not today, I just feel utterly rejected tonight. Comes in, eats dinner, tells me she’s too tired to talk then spends rest of night in room watching Netflix. I popped in to give her some washing and tried to make conversation….no point. She’s almost disdainful. Like she hates me then it’s ‘can you get out of my room’.

I waver between outright rage, like how dare she treat me like this to just utter rejection. She’s 18 next year, I thought we’d be through the worst by now. She’s late to teenage arsehole phase though but it’s really ramped up in last few months. I just don’t know how to handle it.

Hope others have had better days.