Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Good morning can I join, 2 dds 12/14.

The 12 year old is sunshine and showers, but very open and chatty

The 14 year old is quite a closed book but is open with me to an extent, has a boyfriend who practically lives at our house (lovely sweet 14 year old boy)

Just trying to navigate the letting them be free and safeguarding tightrope

Doesn't help that I am in the police and a specialise child abuse investigator so I can't help but see worst case scenarios

Urgh, tell me if you find the balance! My DD is also 14 with a sweet boyfriend of 14 also, she's very open with me, has told me she has 'necked on' but that neither of them want to do anything else at the moment... walked in last night with a hickey on her neck...
The mum on me tells me to go full on and ban him from coming over etc, but then the other side of me tells me that it is just another way to push her into doing things to spite me.

How do we balance the feelings of this being our baby and not wanting them to have experiences that they are not ready to have and respecting their own decision making.

Especially when their decision making is ridiculous!

I think it's knowing her and her ability to make boundaries

So my dd1 js so stubborn there's no way anyone would pressure her to do anything (she literally will happily walk away from friendships etc)
So I know she won't be pressured and I also know she doesn't want to have sex yet (or so I believe)
Her and her fella will sit in the bed in her room and literally chat (he has an injury at the moment which really limits his mobility so that's also a reassurance)

But one day it will happen in years (hopefully) or months to come and it's equipping them with the knowledge and self esteem to deal with the decisions

BBC teach have some very helpful videos, this one helped me and DS with his severe anxiety this time last year:

Thank you!

Another person grateful to read the ups and downs of this thread.
All my friends seem to have perfect teens, so it's a relief 1) that not all are and 2) that they mostly grow out of it.
I am in the denial stage where it seems to me that he'll never grow out of it and I have unwittingly raised some kind of monster who wants the four/five star hotel life but doesn't want to pay for it.
He has good moments, I can see his face sometimes after he has said something mean/rude and the "why did I say that?" crosses his brow, and I know he is confused and overupset and reacting to small things more than he should. The problem for me is that the day is a relentless bind of small things that upset him/don't work out for him and trying to get him to do anything remotely useful/helpful has become so difficult that I have given up on that.
He's 16, nearly 17, about to start Sixth Form, he was lovely up to about 15 and a half.

Well, finally found a way to get the old DD back- moved sixth form.
After the upset of GCSEs, where they couldn't even collect their results, and the head and deputy head saying "oh, we thought you'd be pleased", I had had enough. What teen is going to do 3 years of GCSEs to fail 4 of them? (Science, art, history and maths). It made us all feel that they never expected her to achieve much and felt she should be happy to have passed other things. Also, they lied to me and said all schools stop the pupils who need to resit maths or English from starting A'Levels, and that they would do 3 Btecs. Utter rot. For starters they weren't Btecs, they're GCSEs.

In the summer, we have moved to a village about a 15 minute drive away, which is also a business so we found out the school a 2 minute walk had a late apple day for 6th. They were adamant they weren't moving school. Until they got there.

Everyone goes by what name they wish. There is voluntary work as standard, one hour a week, which supports their chosen career. No extra year. There's no drama A'Level but not a deal breaker because they can help out with drama lessons and there is a school play. So they're doing sociology, not something they could have done before.

They walked round yesterday, loved it. Made friends already. To say they were positively bouncing when they came home at free period to tell me. Had a slight wobble when they got lost but lady on reception gave them a hug and a glass of water and helped them out. They said it's lovely to be spoken to as a 16 year old, not 6.

It's not always easy to move schools but it looks to have helped with DD

Until about a year ago I thought I was close to my teen daughter and that she was on the right track. We are not in the UK, so schooling is different. She started a new school (4 years that lead to university) this month and will need to be focused, but she is anything but. Like my husband, she has attention and focus problems, not enough to be diagnosed, though. Also, no hobbies any longer since she stopped her sport due to knee problems during Covid.
Seemingly all she cares about is makeup, clothes, friends and her boyfriend, not necessarily in this order.

We expect school work to be done, but she procrastinates and does it, eventually, with a lot of nagging and help from me. She wants to do well in school, yet has trouble actually doing the work without outside input (me). On the other hand, she says we nag a lot and basically wants to be left alone to her life - going out with friends and boyfriend, while looking good.

My husband has been having some pretty serious health issues, was hospitalized this summer. I had to put my foot down so that she would visit him in hospital. She just assumed he would be fine, or maybe just didn't think about it at all, it is not clear to me which. Also as a result, a lot of the brunt of parenting has been left to me.

I struggle with how to parent her. Leaving her to her own devices completely (meaning, giving her stuff necessary for school, providing food, pocket money, expecting her to be back before curfew but otherwise letting her plan and do everything) has so far resulted in a mad scramble to prepare for some exam or other. On the other hand, asking about everything, trying to help her focus and schedule breeds resentment. She doesn't really talk to us unless I come to her room and start chatting. Lately these chats have all led to arguments.

She also lies, has been lying for some time but the lies are getting bigger. We get lip service as to how this will change... until next time. This last time she told us she would be sleeping over at her best friend's and then slept over at her boyfriend's. I haven't confronted her with this, but I told her that I know that she lies and asked her to please not do that. That she doesn't have to love me, but she has to respect me and this shows a lack of respect.

Punishing doesn't really work. Taking her phone from her in the evening for a couple of days - she'll endure it, but nothing fundamentally changes (she needs the phone in school). Grounding her would be the next step, but I think it won't do anything for our relationship. Last night I asked her what she expects from us, does she just want to be in her room and come out, occasionally, for meals? Is that what she wants? She just shrugged, also shrugged when I asked her what she thought of our relationship (hers with me). I should not have asked. It's not helpful to either of us and just makes me sadder.

In other words, I have no idea how to parent her. She's 15 but thinks of herself and behaves as if she were 18 and we, the parents, cramp her style. If we push hard, we'll lose her but won't effect any change. I love her but don't like her right now, and I think it's not good for her or for me, but I don't know how to change it. What do I do?

@incognito50me - I think it is quite normal for girls to rebel a little at 14 or 15. By 16/17 many mature. I would speak to her like an adult and explain that if she does not put in the hours, she will limit her options further down the line. It is all a question of balance though. She needs to do exactly enough school work to achieve later on in life, but having friends/going out/falling in love and being a happy teenager are equally important and you should value that just as much. Her mental and physical health is really important. It is a shame she gave up her hobby as sport can really enhance academic performance. It need not be much, but some regularly, is great - even if it is doing 20 minute exercise videos. Often DC who have a strong hobby actually end up being more balanced because they have no choice. The hobby takes up time so then they have to use the rest of their time efficiently, balancing between academics and friends. As for love interests, that is always very complicated as often they will do too much to please their love interest and sometimes to control them as well.
By 15, you cannot really punish that effectively and often they are already too manipulative and will say what you want to hear. So your only option forward becomes talking to her sensibly, like an adult. You cannot vent your own fears/anxieties on to her so you need to make sure that you are not worrying too much about academics and if you are, you need to analyse why.

Thank you for being so kind, @Aleaiactaest . I agree with everything you say, particularly about the hobby (I had hoped the hobby would provide structure through teenage years).
She had tried another sport and not liked it; she complains that with 1x week she will not get any good at any sport, but her knee probably cannot take more than 2x week at most, at this point. She and a friend will try another sport if she actually writes to the club (I found the info for her, but it's up to her to make her arrangements).
I have no problem with her having good friends and spending a lot of time with her boyfriend. He is just fine; if her school work were getting done regularly, I would not be grumbling quite this much.

As for worrying about academics: her father and I are immigrants to the country where we live now. We got where we are through hard work and yes, through academics. This has been my way and while I know she is very different, and more privileged in that she was born in a secure Western country, putting in just enough work now would open many doors that would close otherwise. I probably am too worried about it, though.

@iincognito50me
It's a tough one and I understand what you are going through.
At 15, they are very immature and yet important choices such as subjects, university have to be made.
I tell the kids, there is always time to turn things around later but it Is also a lot harder too.
Sometimes it is easier to just put in the effort and do it when you are meant to.

What does your DD want to do? Does she want to go to university?
What are her options if she does not get in the grades for university?
Would a visit to a back up option help her see reality and pull herself?
Would you be able to work with her and pull together a list of entry requirements for what she wants to do and see what that looks like?
Are there any mentors like children of friends or family who are successful at school and who are slightly older she could speak to?
Sometimes, you have to let them fail.
Going through exactly this painful process myself with DD16 and hoping that experience is the best teacher.

Thank you, @DarkChocHolic , and I am sorry that you are going through similar with your DD16.

My DD says she wants to go to university, but is not sure what she would like to study - I also did not know at 15, that's not the part that concerns me. The system here is a bit different in that, if you graduate from this type of school, you can study almost anything and anywhere in this country (so, no other exams other than the finals in the school). The exceptions are medicine, dentistry and a few others where there is an entrance exam.

Her BF is quite ambitious, wants to go to university himself, and might consider going to another country to study (so needs to work on this foreign language, as well).

If she does not stay on track in school, she could repeat a year, or switch schools and go to a professional one (nursing, school teacher education, for example). If that was what she wanted to do, we'd be fine with that, as long as the initiative came from her.

how Are you all tonight? X

Anxious about the school week and how DD will cope.
I should stay calm...
Hope everyone has a good week!

Bugger. Thought we were going ok.

Just found out 15yo dd has been on Omegle - chat site. At her dads not here. Altered by her step mum. Thank god.

I'm just trying to sort out parental controls again but shit shit shit.

Eugh

sending you guys a big unmumsnetty hug xx

I’m pretty sure we are in the same country, and my 15 year old has just started at the same level. She obviously has good enough grades to get there, and put in sufficient effort last year.

Surprisingly to me, she has found being ‘upgraded’ to being addressed in the formal way very motivating. It has also surprised me (negatively) just how entitled the children who have been International school are. Most of them have to change at this stage because their parents’ firms stop paying the fees then, and because IB is available in the public school system.

Does she have a PT job, or even tried to get a weeks work experience aimed at children trying out for apprenticeships.

I actually have a lot of sympathy for her regarding sport. She is correct that at once per week she won’t be any good, and at 15 there will be a lot of kids who will have been training 4 or more times a week since aged 10/11. On the other hand, she either is prepared to put in the effort or she isn’t. On the other other hand, there are sports that will always take beginners that can work their way up (soccer and volleyball come to mind)

I also have a lot of sympathy for the kids of very successful parents because it is so much to live up to, and they do sometimes get lost in thinking they won’t be better than their parents.

It sounds to me there are boundaries you can enforce, and freedoms you have to allow. But mostly 15 years old aren’t able to explain only experience (as frustrating as that is for us). Good luck, you have my sympathy!

What to do with DD who just ‘can’t be bothered’ to talk to me. ‘Not in the mood for conversation’ and ‘can you get out of my room’.

She offers no conversation, have to ask questions and get one word answers. So bloody rude.

Do I just leave her to it? Or tell her it’s unacceptable to be so rude and uncommunicative? DH feels I should just leave her to it.

Any ideas?

Thank you so much, @ThePM . Our week has been ok so far (it's early Wednesday morning!). She wrote to the club and went to try out volleyball with her friend, she says she wants to keep going; I hope her knee and motivation last.

I know she's worried about how she will measure up in school, but only time will tell whether she'll actually do the work. Based on her abilities she should be able to keep up; she got the grades to get this far, with structured help from us. The help will be available throughout, we're just not willing to chase her to study, at 15 she should know when to start preparing for tests and ask for clarification in subjects that are more difficult for her.

There is a lot of entitlement among some well-off teens here, expats and locals. She doesn't have any international school kids switching at this point, though the phenomenon you mention is quite common in my city. Some kids have switched from non-bilingual private schools for the same reason. She does tell me - don't know whether to believe everything - how much pocket money some kids get and what sort of behavior they think is normal. We don't want that sense of entitlement, obviously.

She has done a babysitting course and is hoping to get to babysit occasionally. It would do her good; she is eager to supplement her (generous) allowance and has always liked little kids. Does yours have a PT job?

@Bobsledgirl , we have the same issue. I have gone both ways, left her to it or insisted we speak. Basically, she will only actually converse when she feels like it, but if she sneers or is (very) rude, I will comment on it.

My DH is the nicer parent in her eyes because he doesn't insist on talking to her unless she approaches him first, so most of their interactions are pleasant. I don't think that's the solution, as he'll then tell me to tell her this or that. Because of his health issues, I've been letting it slide, but now I tell him that if he thinks her behavior should be corrected in some way, to let her know himself. I'm not willing to always be the family bad cop.

Thanks. I know it is a common issue but just wish I could find a way to deal with if that doesn’t make things worse.

Omg. This is my thread.

Welcome

This thread is amazing.

@incognito50me @Bobsledgirl mines the same.
Is it social media do you think? They are shattered. Husband gets whatever niceness there is. Which isn't much. But he gets it all. Also on holiday or with others she will smile at him. Lean on him. I am so left out. It's tearing us apart.