Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

I’m joining in. For the support and virtual alcohol. My funny, quirky 17 year old girl is now a moody, sarcastic, weed smoking know it all. I know none of her friends. I don’t know where she goes because I seriously doubt she goes where she says she is. She’s rude and her bedroom is a tip. Has no time for any of us. It’s depressing.

Just praying we all make it through this phase of her life with relationships intact. Saving grace is she’s doing well at sixth form and holds down a part time job so we’re not shelling out for her social life.

Please tell me it gets better.

@Bobsledgirl are you me??! Except my 17 DD is not doing well at school ! It's so tough, you are not alone. Things have to get better, right?

Is there room here for another mum struggling please?

14 year old DS has been vaping, smoking weed, lying, stealing money from us, the list goes on. I just don’t know what to do with him. We’ve taken his phone and grounded him, set boundaries but the minute he is released he is back to his old ways. Today we grounded him again after discovering he’d been vaping in his room (again) and he just ignored us and left. Sauntered back just before it got dark.

He was getting in lots of trouble at school at the end of the year - being SO rude to teachers, disruptive in lessons, vaping in the toilets. He hangs around with some utter cretins (which I’m aware doesn’t make him much better) that he will not be parted from. He had a very serious girlfriend for over a year and things went directly downhill when they broke up. She (&her family) were great positive influences on him. Now he treats her (and his new GF) like shit from what I can see.

I just don’t know what to do. Do we just give up and let him crack on now? Set more boundaries for him to ignore? I’m so scared he’s going to fuck up his GCSEs.

Thanks if you’ve read this far, shall I open a bottle?? 🍾

No answers…just glad to find somewhere to vent.

Also….I’ve noticed a power shift. As a parent I’m used to holding all the cards. Now I skulk around hoping to find her in a good mood, wishing she wanted to spend time with us. Talk to us even. Trying to make her like me. It’s madness really.

@Bobsledgirl That is madness. Once they sense they have the power, they can run amok. I was going to bring my DD shopping tomorrow , today I asked her to put something back in the fridge and she said ‘well if you are going to be in this mood, then I don’t want to go to town with you’
She actually thought that she could hold a trip shopping with her over me as some kind of threat.

I said no problem, it’s up to you. We don’t need to go. She now wants to go. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah that’s the way to do it I think. DH is much more laid back. He goes with the flow. I just end up feeling hurt. I am going to try and get back to a place where I’m not overthinking every interaction. If she’s in a mood I will just ignore it.

I hope so! I veer between anger and then sadness for the little girl she was.

@Bobsledgirl It’s a fine line between keeping the relationship going and making a door mat of yourself.

You want a relationship with your child when they are older so we do have to ‘swallow’ a certain amount of shit.

You can’t punish a 17 year old but I would be careful about how you deal with the weed. Vaping seems to be like smoking was to our generation but weed can alter personalities so there is an element of you having to keep those lines of communication open to catch those moments when she is going to be open to spending time with you. If she was being rude I’d just back away, it can become a cycle of teens trying to exercise this power they know they now have, just wait until you see a chink of light.

Its shit and scary though but the fact she is doing well in school would give me some hope

Sympathies to @Bobsledgirl and all those having a difficult summer.

Things have been relatively ok here. The family holiday was good. DD was her old self (why did we have to get on a plane for that?!)

My dilemma is sort of about the power dynamic too. She would spend every second outside school off with her friends if she could so what limits do we put on that once term starts? DH agrees but seems to feel we can't compete with her shiny interesting friends. Not sure that's our job...

I also don't currently track her phone (hadn't had to with older DD) so do I insist on that? I fear I've missed the boat, but also that we might really need it over this next couple of years...

first time poster on this thread. I find it so comforting to know I’m not alone. My lovely dd13 (14 next wk) has had a complete personality change this summer hols. I feel like I don’t know her anymore gone is my funny,loving,polite dd replaced with a selfish, argumentative, moody dd. Im constantly treading on eggshells around her. I miss her 😢

@Chill09 yes there’s a certain amount of grief involved. Sounds dramatic I know but to me it’s grief at the loss of who the child was. The change is inevitable because they are growing up and need us less. It’s a transition we all have to navigate and hope we come out relatively unscathed I guess.

thanks @Bibbling for the advice. I of course wouldn’t have weed in the house. I expect she is an occasional user because her opportunities for smoking it are limited. She knows how I feel about it. She’s had ‘the talk.’

I don’t track her phone. She’s almost 18.

I feel this absolutely 💯. I stupidly feel a moment of happiness if we have 1 normal, pleasant interaction. I need to work out a game plan once she is back at school... can't do another year like last year. Trying to ignore behaviour as much as possible but there are certain things I will not tolerate and have told her that. She has to have find my phone on - only due to not being honest where she was on many occasions. I pay the bill and once we are back to trusting her again, it can be turned off. I don't check unless I have reason to! So far she has accepted this.

I am constantly getting berated tutted at eyes rolling snapped at over my incompetence with technology especially my phone. I am always being teensplained (men in training methinks)

So guess who managed to BT music in the car much to the teens annoyance when I sent a screenshot

And guess who had to be constantly reminded to accept tickets I was told to transfer to them

And when arriving at venue I had (at the scoffing if teen) transferred tickets to Google wallet which meant a fast track queue.

While teen was frantically trying to short his

When the Google man said ten could be my plus one in fast track I laughed my head off

Teensplaining….. ha yes! Parents- we’re just so ‘lame’ at everything

I was given a convoluted lecture that our car was old and the phone newer technology so wouldn't connect. I'd previously repeated...well my I-phone connected with the USB cable and was tutted at ..well you know he's anti I-phone

The solution to BT was pressing a simple button

I’ve just been told that because DH needs my car today (his broken) that she cannot possibly go into town with me - it would be too embarrassing to be seen on public transport with me

Ugh…. They are horrors aren’t they !

Thanks everyone for all your support. Sorry for taking so long to respond - had my head down and trying to get through it! My DD 16 went to Reading this weekend with a group of friends I don’t know, and don’t like. I didn’t want her to go and made that clear but her dad bought her the ticket, took her and picked her up, facilitates the entire thing so I decided to just grin and bear it. I know she will have been vaping and smoking weed daily and god knows what else, she’s home today so just digging in and preparing for the inevitable backlash after 3 days of doing whatever the hell she wants!!

Good luck. Reading and Leeds is a bit of rite of passage. I went to Leeds. A looong time ago. I smoked weed and drank and got into mischief. I survived it all. I’m now a middle aged professional so know kids can navigate all this and remain unscathed. Still doesn’t make it any easier as a parent!

DD asked nicely to go to a party last night. Told her to be back by 1. She was. Lord knows what she was doing there but she listened to my ask about time to return. So I’ll take that as a win.

Yes I was a Reading festival survivor too. No mobiles back then so if you lost your friends that was game over

Like a PP it's a rite of passage and hopefully your DD will come back better for the experience!

The thought of camping or anything festival related fills me with horror now. Grubby and uncomfy- pissy fields with terrible food. Urgh.

Fgs…after a reasonable Saturday and Sunday, today has been awful. Suspect she’s hungover but she’s been in her room all day. Came out for food. Basically scowled and snapped at us all. Had enough of her attitude. I’m sick of being a doormat. I bought the kids McDonald’s breakfast, made her lunch, loaned her some tampax and she’s basically just told me to get out of her room because she can’t be bothered to talk to anyone. So rude.

The sensible parenting person would say ride the storm and ignore but I’m dying to say ‘look here you little shit, treat people with respect.’ She is all for her oh so cool new friends and has been vile today. Desperate to tell her that she thinks she’s so cool and clever but she’s just a silly little girl.

How are you all?

need a top up anyone?

Can I join please. 2 teens taking it in turns to be vile. Ds (16) has been coming home stoned, lying about where he has been and very aggressive and swearing. Dd (13) is copying her brother and answers back and swears too. I’ve been looking at photos tonight when they were younger. I have shed a tear at the children they were and the joy they had compared to how they are now. I’m not sleeping as I’m so worried about both of them. Ds stormed out of the house at midnight last night after an argument with his sister. I spent a frantic hour driving around to find him. I’m so sad right now.

Feel your pain. I too look back nostalgically at pictures on my phone from not too long ago. It’s life. They grow up. But it’s hard to take and hopefully the vile phase is that, just a phase.