Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

I get similar language - am over bearing, hates me, wishes I was dead ... it really hurts after a while when it's from someone you love the most in the world . I know I won't want to come home after the break. At least we can support each other, at least virtually.

It is so hurtful, and I try to back off and give mine space and then she ends up fainting at the front of a gig because she hasn’t slept/drunk/eaten enough! I know we have to give them space to make their own mistakes, and I was thinking this week I might just back right off and let her get on with it! Makes such a difference knowing there are other mums out there struggling because I really did feel so alone with it. Sending virtual hugs your way! 💐

Bloody hell there are some horrors on here.

Mine isn't speaking to me.

I've just grounded her for a week as she's got another detention at school. It's all just so petty. She eye rolls and is late so teachers punish her. I get the email so then I hear her side after the event. It's just pathetic.

Like others on here she has a lovely little life. No need for the drama!

I think i need to let mine just ‘crack on ‘ and see if she can work out herself why life is going pretty badly for her. Any advice I give is ignored, she screams she is violent and pretty sure she is taking drugs but nothing I say makes any difference to her behaviour. For my own mental health I think I will try backing off to see if she comes to some epiphany herself

DD is going through year 10 mocks
we’ve had tears, panic attacks,
distress texts from the toilets
shes been trying to avoid school
sobbing on the way into school
spending breaks in loos crying not interacting with friends
in pastoral care ALOT

and it’s only the bloody mocks !!!!!

any amount of : it’s just a practice, no one will be disappointed if u don’t get the grades you want,
no one is pushing you to do well etc

results in : you don’t understand……

my biggest concern is that she alienates herself from her peers as she’s always so upset / miserable

it’s horrible to see and feel powerless
to help

I have been reading parenting mental health. Never let go.

Not finished it yet but stepping back is definitely the advice.
Bloody hard when they make such awful decisions.

@tallcypowder it is so hard! And I feel that when I went off the rails as a teenager no one cared or tried to stop me and as a result I made choices as a 16 year old that have negatively impacted the rest of my life and I don’t want that for my kids! But equally I know that the more we try to help them, the more they will rebel. I’m going to check that book out!!

Lots of little things last night - having to nag over homework, being back late (with convoluted excuse around lifts), taking her sister's expensive hoodie and swearing it was her friend's... it's exhausting.

sending you all much love and strength. It’s bloody tough!!

DD1 still not at school. Trying to obtain a private autism diagnosis and we hope to start online school late summer: we have a plan

daily - it’s rocky. Eating issues, agoraphobia, anxiety bla bla. Just hope the others don’t go through this!

I’m finding it really hard having my 19 year old DD back from uni as well. She’s making bad choices all over the place, turned into a completely different person since going to uni, not really bothered to make many friends because she has one close friend (who seems to spend most of her time lying around in bed), stopped doing any of the stuff she’s interested in and refuses to join any clubs or societies because the people that go are “nerds”, lost all her morals. She’s always been big but has put on a huge amount of weight and become really obsessed with food - eats a McDonald’s meal every day, is constantly complaining about being hungry. I just don’t know this person, it’s like sharing my house with a stranger who I don’t like very much!

Lost all of her morals? Really? That’s a bit harsh!

I can relate to the other stuff though!

Fwiw I have two dds at uni atm and both having previously been studious have, shall we say, gone off the rails a bit this year. Not in a bad drink or drugs way but in terms of constant parties, spending too much money , not focusing on studies as much and I personally believe this is a reaction to the totally shit two years during Covid which they spent locked in their bedrooms alone having on-line lessons.

Hopefully it will balance out a bit next year but despite the frustration and lack of cooperation from them it might be worth checking in on your dd’s mh because any sign like putting on a lot of weight or a dramatic change in relationship with food can be a red flag.

So many teens and YAs I know are struggling atm post pandemic and I think in some cases this is still being played out in the home when they come back for holidays or post uni.

So relieved to find this thread! I thought it was just me, I’m crap, etc etc. going to find that book too. Any other tips?!

Caught 15yo daughter vaping today. Urgh.

Said she's lost her allowance, next will be her phone then other privileges.

Obvs sh tried to bullshit me and tell me it's not hers, it's her first time blah blah. What a heap of shit.

@Lightattheendofthetunnel100 Maybe it was a bit harsh, but it’s how it feels. She used to be so brave and bold and be someone who has very strong opinions, morals and beliefs on things and was really welcoming and inclusive to people. Now she judges people really harshly on things like how they look, doesn’t really give a shit about anything, just does whatever this new best friend does (which is nothing so she spends most of her time in her room by herself). I’m sure deep down her morals are still there, but I was venting and that’s what came out! Sorry if it was out of order.

I’m certain her mental health is struggling and I’m certain it is related to the pandemic but every time I try to talk to her she insists that she’s fine fine fine, so how do you support someone who won’t admit anything is wrong?

We ended up falling out again last night, my fault. I overreacted to something that I should have let slide, and ended up ruining a really nice evening. I know that she can tell I’m disappointed in her, despite me trying to hide it. I’m clearly not coping very well with house sale, my mums illness, kids being tricky. I just feel like I’m failing them and doing a crap job and I’m a shit mum. I just don’t know how to get back to a good place with either of my teens. It feels like we used to be in a good groove and now it’s all hard edges and people knocking against each other and no one really gets on.

I hear you. It's like waking on thin ice. Never quite sure when I'm about to fall. But then you have to just get up and keep going. What's the alternative?

I'm trying to see these things (vaping/school detentions) as really normal teenage stuff. I also play the game of 'well at least she's not doing Xyz ' but it's so hard!

Another thread on here has made an op and me also feel bad about parenting. I know the truth really but it can kick you when down. It's the one about being ungrateful for a party.
I think the poor girl has trauma.

Parents that have it easy judge too much and think its down to their great parenting.

Sigh.

It is exhausting. Ds1 just lost his Saturday job, basically I think because of lateness/slowness and is effectively refusing to get another. It’s his post GCSEs summer and he basically wants to do nothing between now and September: get up at lunchtime, go on his computer /phone, have his girlfriend round. He doesn’t exercise or go outside unless he has to and says he is too tired. He doesn’t seem to make the link between that kind of lifestyle and having no energy all the time. Says he doesn’t need money (I don’t give him any, he would rather go without new clothes etc than have to work to earn money for them). I can ‘make’ him do stuff, by taking stuff off him, but it’s like parenting a large toddler. He shuts himself off from us though, which is worrying in terms of his mental health. Roll on September when he will be forced into a routine again.

to everyone with teenagers, he is our eldest and most difficult, I can only hope the others will be easier…

Hi, can I join you. I have ds1 (17), ds2 (15), an almost teenager and 2 in the later stage of primary school. Ds2 has previously attempted suicide so we are having disagreements about how much freedom he can have during the holidays as I'm too scared to let him stay at home on his own or with ds1. He is allowed out into town with friends but if we are going out for more than 30ish minutes he has to come with us.

Hi @elliejjtiny and welcome! I’m so sorry to hear about your son, that must be incredibly hard. I just wanted to drop you a note to say we are all here with you, and give you a virtual hug 🤗

My children have just informed me this hasn't been the best summer & they'd rather be at school. Wtf.

I'm trying not to be insulted. Spoilt brats.

My eldest would rather be at college, although to be fair he is doing a course that he really really likes. My 15 year old would like to spend the entire holidays on the x box or computer and moans if we go out anywhere. I try and involve him in choosing where we go but he doesn't want to go anywhere except to the park with his mates. We aren't even going to that many places and I made sure when I planned everything he would have plenty of time to go out with his mates and use the x box etc.

Just checking in.

this thread still encourages me - I’m so glad I’m not alone in my frequent ‘WTF’ at parenting teens!

l

Grabbing that handhold. Someone said earlier that family relations feel so edgy and scratchy- just the same here. 17 is in his room all day, emerges at 9 to make own dinner, gets asked something mildly irritating and storms off needing 'time alone'. Cue an hour in the bathroom 'getting a bit of peace'. Rinse and repeat. It's so hard to make a relaxed atmosphere when you can only talk through a closed door!

@wickermum @elliejjtiny I feel you!! my 16 year old said yesterday that she doesn’t want to come away to the seaside next week because the holidays are going to fast and she needs more time at home. She finished school mid June and has spent a grand total of 5 days away since then 🫠 I pointed out that the rest of us want to go away so she said she’d just stay home alone then. It’s very hard not to get annoyed when you’ve planned nice stuff and they’re just totally disinterested. @aramox1 Yep! Sounds familiar. 19 and 16 year old have started fighting daily here, queue a lot of storming to rooms and slamming doors. Now 8 year old is getting upset. We’re all meant to be going to London for the day tomorrow and I am feeling v stressed about it!! To make matters worse, my 8 year old always comes back from her dads girlfriends (she also has 3 girls similar ages to mine) and talks about how well everyone gets on, they all play wholesome games together, barely go on screens, love each others company and everything is just fucking perfect!! Is it too early for wine?!

Similar here. When we did go away she had a face like a wet weekend and wanted to go sit in the hotel room on her own.