Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

I've 3.

It's a 'journey'.

Just in case anyone wants to know another trying her best mum is thinking of them

Aw. Quite different to my daughters ED. I hope she can get the help she needs. She sounds beautiful like a model but of course she won’t see it that way. That age is so difficult with body changes and comments from boys don’t help and can have a huge negative impact. Hopefully with help she will be able to move forward and grow content with who she is, and be able to manage ok. Hopefully you can find sone mental health support. In our area there’s teen support groups to help develop self esteem and bond over activities etc. You are doing a great job of looking out for her, knowing what’s going on and now trying to get her help x

Hi @shmiz - thank you and yes - we have been referred to First Steps I think (it was a letter that came through the other day as a result of our GP referral). I will definitely pursue that.

Will the self harm be considered in the round or will they focus only on the ED? I think both are symptoms of the underlying body image issues. That's what I want to get treated. She tells me the ED is about losing weight so that she can look thinner (I know a lot of EDs aren't actually about losing weight and are more about control), but in DD's case, I do think it's about her looks.

She is gorgeous but she just can't see it - and doesn't want to look like an 18 year old when she's still only 13!

You're right - it's a very tricky age and I am desperately hoping that with help and time, she will learn to love herself. She gets so much love and support at home and always has so it's come as something of a shock that that's not all it takes!

Yes - they should address the body image issues
the emotional regulation difficulties / self harm and promote more functional methods of managing emotions
and ultimately the relationship that she has with herself 👍👍
i recommend :
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Disordered-Eating as a resource for you
but engaging with First Steps Derby is an excellent resource

@losenotloose just wanted to see how you are doing? You are not alone, this is a lovely supportive thread.

Welcome @TeenagersAngst and I'm sorry to hear about your dd, that's so tough.

This organisation isn't about ED specifically but I have heard good things about them

https://www.parentingmentalhealth.org

Hope everyone else is doing ok. Extra hugs for those dc with exams coming up. My dd's start in about 3 weeks and I think she's feeling the pressure. School attendance has dipped again which is frustrating as she is missing valuable revision lessons in school. Only silver lining is that there is a lot on Teams so I just hope she is managing to study at home.

She's been downright rude and demanding to me lately and I feel like it's my fault for allowing it to get this bad. I wish I had nipped it in the bud months ago but now with GCSEs looming there are only so many new boundaries I can put in place now.

@bendmeoverbackwards I'm doing a bit better, thank you. Still finding the ungratefulness and attitude difficult but trying my best to avoid conflict and be positive. it's not easy! Especially when it sometimes feels like you're raising a sociopath. Ds2 seems to be going through something at the moment, keeps massively overreacting to small things.

@TeenagersAngst we are very early days of being under the ED team. I’m my daughters first appointment they asked about self harm which my daughter has stopped doing since the ED developed. They were clear with her that the ED is also a form of self harm as she is hurting herself - so what I’m trying to say is yes, they do consider the self harm in my opinion but as part and parcel.

Thanks, that's good to know. I talked to First Steps yesterday and they said that strictly speaking, it's CAMHS who will diagnose a mental health disorder and treat it; they just try and help minimise the ED.

I'm worried the NHS is siloed in how they treat children rather than looking at the whole picture from the outset.

I just spoke to DD and suggested other ways of coping rather than cutting such as pinching herself and she said it wasn't the same because it wasn't visible. It's like she wants to leave a mark as some sort of validation.

Thank you, I missed your post yesterday, just saw it now. Will check out the link x

How are you all x

Up and down. Easter was amazing. No school. Happy dd
Last week down mental health tanked.

This week bit better So hard.

How to force them to do necessary chores around the home without shouting?
When younger it was a novelty to do stuff, like food preparation, but now it's almost impossible to get him to do anything.
You see videos of kids in other countries, shopping, cooking and holding down a job while studying.

Hi all - long time no post- sorry to see some struggling still. We had an amazing Easter - holiday overseas to stay with family. DC loved it and we’re generally really nice company. DD (12) is v happy to be back at school. DS (14) not and boy do we know it tonight. Anyway, sending hugs to you all.

I'm struggling right now with ds 17 He's just not nice and is so angry, does zero school work or anything around the house and won't engage about future plans. It's just exhausting getting him to put a dirty plate in the dishwasher. He told me tonight he hates being at home and I do nothing for him - I asked him what about the meal's I cook, lifts to work & football and basically everything and his reply was "for fucks sake you just can't be in the wrong can you" and then went on a massive rant.

No MH issues he's chipper as anything the minute he leaves the house but is like a dark cloud at home. I even had a little cry today when I read a friend gushing over her amazing kind and loving son on his birthday. I'm counting down the days until he leaves home as not only is he awful to live with, it's putting a real wedge between DP and I and his younger brother is starting to copy some of his behaviour. Not sure how much more of him I can take

@lechatnoir I see friends gushing on Facebook too and momentarily feel envious. But it's not real life.

It can be heartbreaking dealing with teens, mine won't even watch a film with me anymore (19 & 17) both drive so are out and about loving life.

The vileness seems to be abating, my youngest even unexpectedly bought me chocolate out the blue the other week! But as a single parent it is exceedingly lonely.

Moan to your DP, flick the Vs up behind teenager's back. And remind yourself it WILL get better.

I cry less about them, actually I haven't cried for a month or so. So it must be getting better.

So basically no tips, just hold on and get through it :)

I thought it had gotten better here but GCSEs start on Monday and DD got sent home yesterday at 11am. They had not been to either class this morning they went and hid in the loos and cried.

They are having issues with confidence and are convinced they will fail 95% of their exams. I feel like they've given up before they've started!

I don't know what to do. School are trying but they've just inexplicably changed their pastoral care system from one which was excellent to useless unless you have an EHCP. She went to access help Friday and was told if you have no appointment go away! The door was locked too, it was never like that before.

I hate this so much. I can't cancel the exams!

Thank you @MaybeWednesday I needed to hear that (& feel understanding / solidarity)

@ReformedWaywardTeen that sounds awful your poor dd and no doubt makes life pretty grim at home. I don't miss gcse stress (and that was without any MH battles). It will get better - we had a glorious period post exams last summer with my lovely happy son back for a while.

I've been quiet on here as things were improving - certainly behaviour and attitude at home and school were much better. DD - who's 13 - is out the majority of the weekends and as often as we let her after school, so I barely see her, but that's the worst of it.

On Monday, I found a lighter on the armchair she'd been sitting in. It had obviously fallen out of her pocket. She swore blind it wasn't hers/didn't know anything about it. She was really upset. She knows full well what we think of smoking, and that it caused the deaths of two of her grandparents.

I went in her room today (to collect the dirty crockery). Her bag was wide open on the bed and I could clearly see a packet of Rizlas.

I haven't smelt cigarettes on her - though DH has been suspicious of how much body spray she's used some days. I feel like I'd smell it on her even so, if she was smoking a lot. (Not saying she hasn't tried it - just that I'm not sure how much).

I reckon she wants to be cool around her new group of friends. But what level of punishment/tone do we take?

I am late to the party!!! Can I join? I have a few of them! We are in a period of calm at the moment- long may it last! But we have had every type of behaviour along the way

@AlwaysSomethingWithTeens I found a video of my 13yo vaping. I was so upset. He couldn't deny it but I know he would have said it was his friends if I had just found it in his room.

The way I dealt with it was to say - OK your choice, but I'm not paying for it. Your allowance will be halved next month and then removed the month after.

It was his choice

It was awful. He looked such an idiot in the video. I couldn't believe it was my lovely boy (who is a youth athlete!!). He even said it was to look cool.

Anyway it seemed to have worked (for now). It stopped immediately but I was so shocked about the lying! The boy still sleeps with a teddy. I couldn't get my head round it.

I’ve just been lectured in no uncertain terms by my 16 year old for having different opinions to her.

Oh I get that all the time!

I just nod and smile at the appropriate time.

I sometimes feel so suffocated trying to be the bigger person.

fuck me, ten minutes ago I was the teenager.

Ok, not exactly but still, cut us some slack, we are trying.